Today I feel bathed in goodness and light. I think it might have to do with getting some answers about my upcoming visa to France and more importantly, with relaxing and going with the flow even though it’s not what I planned.
Been thinking a lot about my beau over there , who hasn’t really done a great job of staying in contact. Life happens though, I guess, and sometimes people are not really connected to you when they don’t know when or if you’ll be staying around for the ride in their life.
I missed him, so contrary to what my ego and my brain said, I emailed him. I won’ say it’s one less time, because in all honesty I fully expect him to respond favorably. And if he doesn’t, I haven’ lost anything by reaching out my hand. Maybe a little sanity waching and wondering whether and how he’ll get back to me, but really if that’s the case it’s my problem.
because if I can’t let go, I don’t deserve to hold on.
I’ve spent so many blog entries dramatizing “Will he call or not?” which is basically a cover for “Does he like me or not?” which basically cuts hard only because I wonder if I am really likeable or not. So any relationship where I don’t totally take the other person for granted is going to be a much bigger neurotically emotional rollercoaster than it needs to be.
And the truth is, I’m grateful. I’m grateful to have the chance to se someone I cared so much for and had to let go of and see how it goes.
It is not however, a referendum on the worthof our previous relationship if this doesn’t take off. It’s nothing to be ashamed of if he’s moved on and doesn’t want to give it another try or has realized we aren’t right for each other though we had fun before.
And it’s not a bad thing at all that I have feelings for him. It’s normal, i’s human, it’s loyal. I am vulnerable. I am capable of great love. Whether it’s with him or not, only time will tell.
And the one thing I can’t and must stop myself from wondering about is “what if?” once I drove myself crazy wondering about “the one,” who circumstances simply made things impossible with. And the guy, recognizing that, didn’t want a Greek tragedy of a relationship or outlook on life thinking that “the one and only” had got away. Sadly, I clung to it, but I’m not sure if that was just a consolation prize or a way of covering up the joie de vivre and love of singleness I had in that moment.
And since I m not afraid, since I don’t need anyone to provide the illusion of certainy in my life, since I realize finally that with relationships, there’s not always going to be a clear black and white and searching for my true love won’t be about avoiding disappointment of another failed relationship, but discovery.
And that this email is really just one part of the adventure.
Call me weak, call me sweet, call me stupid.
All I know is there’s nothing I’d rather do than enjoy the ride. The alternative, trying to control it, is the real blunder, the true madness.
It’s all part of the adventure of being alive, of being human, and yes, of love.