I am an extremely accomplished, well traveled, multilingual, professionally successful, pretty, ahead of the pack overachiever. I am also nice, diplomatic, ad able to work with people from other cultures well.
But for this world, I will never be enough.
THere’s either that pretty face wasted on an overweight body, the last ten pounds, the fact that I should be doing X instead of Y, the fact that I am single, the fact that I rely on a man and don’t do it all on my own, the fact that I have am not a full time artist or blogger or something creative. Having a stable job but not having a creative entrepreneurial freelance busness.
There is literaly nothing you can do to please everyone.
Religious/atheist. Corporate drone vs childish hippie.
I’ve never really felt proud of myself my whole life. I”ve been happy to make other ppeople proud, but I’ve never ben able to talk pride in my own wrk and in myself.
Even when I followed my drream and moved to France, the voices in my head only got harsher about how I should either quit my job and travel the world or buckle down and go make money back in the states.
Any dress I pick up and say I like is wrong unless someone in my entourage likes it.
Every part of me is ridiculed and blamed and stigmatized by society in some way- like Starbucks? too basic. Post quotes about travel and enlightenment? Too out there.
Tell a guy how you feel? Desperate, that’s why you can’t catch a man.
Play games? Someone always plays them better.
So I thought that if I did follow the things I wanted, I would actually eb happy.
Well, that was only half of the battle.
I got what I wanted, AND I am ecstatic!
But I still have that voice in my head- it’s not enough, I’m not enough, my dream isn’t the right dream, other people are having a better time, I”m a fuck up, I”m better than them, He’s too good for me, O he’s not good enough…
And on and on.
Fuck off, ego.
Fuck off, society.
I don’t need to flip you the bird, I don’t need to throw my life away, I don’t need to lose a few pounds, I don’t need to eat whatever I want when I want, I don’t need to change jobs or countries, I don’t need a partner or not to want a partner so badly.
All I need to do is get you fucking monkeys off of my shoulders and chest.
Get the fuck away from me.
Go fuck yourself.
I don’t need your applause.
I don’t need your validation.
I don’t need your punishment.
I don’t need your anything.
All I need is real love, from myself and also from real others.
All I need is to say No to all the lies floating through my mind.
All I need is to pull the plug on the matrix of hollow so-called “truths,” my mind created.
All I need is to wake up and live.
I say yes to life.
No matter how hard it is, no matter ho wmany tears I shed, no matter how many smiles stretch my cheeks, no matter how many frowns crinkle my brow, no matter how much wonder and mystery and uncertainy an dchange I have to put up with, no matter how man comfortable illusions I give up,n o matter how many idols I slash.
It’s always been within.