So I was consoling myself from a minor but chronic complaint I don’t want to disclose on the interwebs. Nothing life threatening, nothing painful, just annoying and embarassing. The stuff of life we try to say is our own fault but is also part of just rolling the dice. (Or maybe it’s just the fact that everybody is getting married and I haven’t been on a decent first date in forever and it seems the pool of people I could potentially have an interest in shrinks every moment and that right person is probably on another goddamn continent, if he exists at all.) I’m sure something comes to your mind- be it credit card debt, a washing machine that leaks, that guy next door that coughs every morning, that touch of a cold you just can’t seem to shake you probably got from being out too late and drinking too much and now you can’t seem to get through a conversation ithout having to blow your nose though you aren’t quite sick enough to stay at home–
so let’s get to the reasons
1) because sometimes when you spin the wheel of fortune, you lose.
For all the encouragement to take risks and all the exhortations to be bold, it still hurts to lose. And every once in a while, every body does. No one is immune to the whims of fate. Whether good or bad, it could happen to you. You can help work towards good things and help protect against bad, but ultimately a lot of what happens to us is outside of our control. ANd most of the good things in life carry a risk of some amount of bad things, or are bad in themselves in excess.
And some people find the right person in college, and now find their engagement so likely as not to be worth posting about on facebook.
and others, often the best people, don’t go on areal date until they have gotten their first job.
kissing frogs is tough.
kissing toads is worse.
and we can beat ourselves up every day about not knowing which way it would go from the beginning, and it’s true that sometimes we ignore the little voice, but sometimes you have to live and learn.
Sometimes you go to the ball and come home with a sprained ankle and didn’t get a chance to dance. But at least you were there, and you’ve licked your wounds to be able to fight another day. Once you learn how to fight that is.
2) you are so used to your solitay, comfortless, comfort eating mindless self indulgence ritual that you are too numb and dull to actually connect with the present moment and too damn chickenshit to actually feel your pain.
it’s to simple to just let the tape keep rolling and go through the routine.
sometimes life hits so hard or just stings so bad that it feels like you need that routine. Pussy. maybe you do.
and you hope that maybe one day, the conveyor belt will stop rolling, the director will yell cut, and like lucy you can stop stuffing those bon bons away to any part of you you can reach.
the problem is, you are the director.
but see #1. you can to a certain extend control your actions, but remember you’ll never really be in control.
and those bon bons are just weighing you down.
but you are human.
And for this too, you need to forgive yourself.
Although you will always be stuck on the wheel…
3) being human sucks.
it does really. we have the capacity for great joy and great suffering. we often suffer. suffering is often the motor of positive change. its a hard knocks life.
4) you just won’t open up. you won’t open up your mind to new ways of thinking. you won’t open your heart to the person you’d least expect but who will be your best and truest friend. You will continue to fantasize about the unavailable person who doesn’t love you but fits your bill while you will turn away empty all those who sought to win your love honestly.
you won’t give up on the dream you had as a child, even if it doesn’t bring you joy anymore. you won’t drop the job that you din’t like, because you are too busy trying to excel. you won’t stop telling yourself, it would be different if X, this is not my real life, and you just dig your heels into a fantasy world of perfection making the real world just get farther and farther away.
life will just keep breaking your heart until it opens…
and then you will think you know something, and it will break your heart some more.
5) and you just won’t get over that one fucker who broke your heart. or the dog who died, taking a piece of you with him. You won’t get over the race you didn’t win in elementary school that wrecked your hopes of an Olympic medal. YOu won’t let go what’s gone, and you are afraid to reach for anything new because it may not last either. ANd you know what, it will probably hurt even worse than before because you will be wondering why the fuck you gave it a chance, you should have known better, it was all your fault, but they’re all the same.
get used to it. impermanence is a thing.
and until youaccept that pain, until you realize there’s nothing you can do to escape but to live in the shadows of a half lived life, and not even that works too well, you can move forward and stop bitching and maybe make something. it might last, it might not, you can win or you canlose. But stop being a loser and get in the game.
6) you look in the mirror, and you don’t like what you see.
Change it. Well you can’t change everything. So yeah change it but…
love yourself now. Life is too short. ANd that’s the only key to real change anyhow.
You wil never feel the love from the world if you can’t feel it inyourself.
So man up.
Lucky 7) It’s not your time. time waits for no man, but you can’t hurry love. accept where you are in this moment. struggling isn’t going to chance it. So just be where you are, and breathe.
That’s a second that’s already gone, taking you somewhere you’ve never been, and that breath will never be again.