Hey-o! Long time no speak! Or so it feels.
Things are pretty busy. I’m doing well, have been going to yoga really regularly with this great beginning deal. It’s really nice to pursue health in such a healthy and warm environment, and the teachers at the studio are very kind. Going there has gotten me into a bit of a rhythm, and things are starting to be routine in a good way. i’m starting to feel the little burst of comfort and happiness when I get off at my metro stop or walk into my new room. I’m almost feeling like I’m betraying Paris by liking it here, and I want to think Paris will always be better and superior to Philadelphia, but it’s just different. There are different comforts here, and different challenges. It’s nice having a roommate I can talk to, for one, and Philly feels a little familiar. And cities are cities.
I just got back from yoga as it were, and I feel a little sad. I guess that happens sometimes with poses that are supposed to open your heart and get all the energy flowing.
I miss Y, the guy I left in Paris. I’m sad that he hasn’t called or emailed me yet. I’m kind of annoyed at him for acting like nothing would change after I left, but I’ve already let him know about that. he says he doesn’t like to open up when it comes to being sad and doesn’t like to dramatize things. Oh well. I had told him before leaving I didn’t want him honeying me anymore since we weren’t an item, and I feel a little bad about confronting him about his seeming lack of emotion, like I should be more comfortable with ambiguity than I am. It’s just that everything seems ambiguous and unknown now, and I do put a lot of myself into my relationships and try to derive a certain stability and comfort from them, so I do feel more at ease knowing what the deal is.
It’s been about a month since I’ve seen him, and I guess about a week since I last emailed him (he didn’t respond to my response to his response). In a way I’d like to see how things go because it’s possible I could route a flight towards Paris for a long stopover to see him again, although that’s a long way away (though buying the tickets is not). I just miss him though. I do kind of see what was good and what seemed to be lacking and what could have been awkward because of the situation. I’m pretty sure if I were still in Paris we’d still be seeing each other. It makes me sad sometimes. I just miss him, though I don’t really see anything to do about it. Back to waiting till he calls, I guess. Certainly not waiting idly by though.
I’m back in touch with the dude I fell in love with a few years ago, and it’s a little weird and a little hard. He’s going though the quarter life crisis kind of thing, and I’m there as a help and guide I guess. I’ve always felt kind of nurturing towards him and the things he’s been more open about recently have only heightened the feeling. Of course, he’s on break with his gf he had been at the point of cohabitating with, so it’s really not a great time for all that. Plus, honestly, knowing what I know now, I just want to be with somebody who is at their best, or at least at their ok. This dude is much stronger than he realizes, and I know deep down he’s really fine. I’m just not attracted to somebody who doesn’t see me that way anymore. I know he appreciates me as a friend and cares about me that way, and if he doesn’t see me otherwise it’s fine. I can now see it’s really not a reflection on me. But since we do have such a good emotional connection, similar ways of seeing the world, common interests, etc, it’s something that despite all my yogic concentration I can’t help but wonder about. It’s niggling in the back of my mind, and I’m a little confused about how I feel about it all. Almost guilty for not liking him as much for not liking me and for realizing the depth of his problems. Strike that. I feel like I should still like him, but I just don’t have the energy. Not to mention all the obstacles of distance and neither of us really having a stable life path to plan with someone at the moment (though is life ever stable?) . Not to mention, another slightly new development.
I am 100% definitely going to do my darndest to get back to Paris. I was waffling a bit before, thinking why should place be so important, and maybe I should establish a life in the US or Paris doesn’t have the job I want, etc, but the truth is, there’s no way to know till I find out. By trying, and maybe failing, or rather, being directed towards something better. I talked to my mom last week, really unloaded on her about everything on my mind including missing Y, seeing everybody on facebook get engaged, and being freaked out about the job search, and guilty about looking in Paris, and she really got it. She totally gave me the green light, if in a subtle way. I am really lucky to have the best parents in the world. So incredibly blessed. I’ve also communicated my intentions to a bunch of important people in my life and professional network, so we’ll have to let the chips fall where they may. Which means essentially, do my absolute BEST and let go and let God. Good thing I’m enrolled in yoga.
So that’s my big release- the big area of tension in my life that has given way. Not really anything new, but certainly a less burdened feeling. now the work begins, but I hope it will go easier with some kind of goal in sight.
So yeah that would kind of complicate things with the dude. I kind of want him to fall in love with me to validate my ego and then have the sick pleasure of turning him down the way he rejected me, if I’m honest with myself. But I don’t really want that, I just want to stop wondering and worrying about it. A little love and appreciation might be helpful though. Sometimes I do get tired of the nurturer role, and just want some validation myself. Although to be fair he’s definitely been there for me a few times when I really needed it, and I do think that in his own way he’s a real friend. Will definitely continue to be a part of my life, as confusing as that is.
I do kind of want to date while I’m here. Could be a good experience. Although with the whole going to paris thing could get tricky too. I feel so much conflict in two major areas:
1 being intellectual and wanting to work with ideas and be appreciated for my thoughts VS getting my energy from people and wanting to share, teach, etc
2 enjoying variety and travel vs wanting long term relationships- this one should get resolved once I get a real job, assuming it’s not some rotational program where I’m moving every six months. I’m just tired of doing that at this point.
And also just working on the whole finding a job, doing my work, dealing with a bit less motivation for schoolwork (I think it’s because I need more “me” time, I like to work at my own pace and right now it’s just a crazy hectic schedule, all I want to do is yoga), and breathing. That’s always the most important one.
Le sigh. Yes, I’ve actually gone to bed and woke up just feeling stable this week. I KNOW i’m in the right place for me and I’m happy with all my choices. Heck, I really like being a grad student. I really like the people and the atmosphere and being in class most of the time. Don’t know when I’ll get the opportunity again. And I like yoga too!
Breathe in, breathe out. Release. Repeat.
Life is a succession of seasons, nothing will ever happen the same way twice. There is no better or best, just different. Just as it is. Each moment has its charms that will never return. Each new breathe transforms, renews, heals. Each day has its surprise.