I’m about to go out for a grad school friend’s birthday.
It’s one of those days where I am pretty happy where I am. Even got a reed diffuser thing for my room- first non-Paris related decoration I got for it lol.
Having some realizations like I’ve had before.The dude I crushed on for about a year and a half is really my friend, and probably really did feel something in the very brief moment we shared, but nothing more is likely to come from it. And that’s probably more than okay, since there was more to him than I wanted to see, and right now he’s in a bit of a pickle, and I’m not sure when our paths might physically cross again. I’ll keep on being his friend, but I’m honestly not that attracted to him now, or pining over him as a way of being in endless reckless love. It’s just not that important, and I realized during yoga this morning that you do have to give things the freedom to come in their own time.
I turned on my French phone (to get an access code) and nearly all the messages i scrolled through were from Y. I really do miss him, but if I’m honest there were things I did and did not like about him. He hasn’t called, and maybe he will someday, but I can’t wait for him to miss me and tell me about it, or show it demonstrably. I wonder if he’ll call me on V Day out of the blue and I secretly fantasize about being witchy to him for being so annoying at times to make him sweat a little. The truth is that even if I never hear from him again, I KNOW he cared for me and I cared for him and we shared some nice times together. He opened my heart and my mind. Maybe we will meet again, but the time is not now.
I wonder about maybe meeting someone out of the blue like that again. It was a good adventure, in a way the only real adventure. The fact that I knew I was leaving the whole time kind of make it high stakes but also like bowling with a bumper. You knew it either had to be madly in love and try to make a relationship work long distance or that things would just end in good faith when I left Paris. Or maybe the third option Y saw that I didn’t was that we would keep in touch a bit more closely and see what happens, but not really be committed. I was super anxious and weirdly jealous and just mal a laise not knowing where things stood with us in Paris, probably overreacting a lot, but I did just feel uncomfortable without knowing. We were kind of at the point of being a real couple when we parted, which feels like a shame, especially since he was really the nicest guy I’ve ever been with (including the dude I pined for above), but I’m sure God had his reasons. And I knew, from the beginning, that he wasn’t somebody in a rush to settle down but he was a genuinely good guy. No saint, we were actually in enough of a relationship for me to know that, but the kind of guy I was proud to bring him to my parents, language, culture, and religious differences notwithstanding. So there’s really nothing to wait by the phone about, or pray that he’s pining for me, or feel the need for any pining at all. Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened they say. It was a blessing, and I’m sure I’ll find out in God’s good time that God had something better in store for me.
And then there’s that formerly best friend of mine I just have to accept will never be intimate like that with me again. Probably not, anyhow. I hope she hasn’t been going through a ton of tough stuff on her own and I was mistaken about everything. It’s just another thing to let go. Everything changes.
So it’s time to go and celebrate my new friends, wearing my new jeans and shirt, with a new haircut (well, not that new in style but done just today), and be happy. I’ll never have another chance to go to this party again, but there will be other parties to go to. I guess all of life is a party. Pink says God is a DJ.
Why the need for this post? Well, because I seem to be a bit happier and less anxious and overwhelmed today. Feeling a little more trusting, and relaxed from my day off. Also just happy with myself for going to yoga, and not craving sweets as much as usual. Probably has something to do with the yoga and eat pray love watching last night and blogging catharsis. Maybe a change of hormones too.
I used to love change, and think it would always bring something better. i looked into the future without fear because I was nearly always disatisfied with my present. i always thought I should be brighter and better, and a bold future would make all my dreams come true if only I were perfect. But I’ll never be perfect ,and I’ve always been perfect. It’s not given to us to see with the eyes of God, yet we have to accept this life anyway. And it’s been pretty darn good to me so far…
Hoping that each time you say good bye you give life the space, the freedom, to send you a new hello. That you accept that a little dissatisfaction is always a small part of life, and that it is what enables you to grow. There’s nothing wrong with the itch, but there’s no point to it if you aren’t also smelling the roses. Life is both the itch to improve and the roses to smell- yes there’s a thorn but its not meaningless. Maybe it exists to protect the beauty. Who knows.
I could be happy just sitting here. I could probably be happy just sitting anywhere. Maybe my happiness isn’t conditional after all, and I can stop worrying about not getting what I thought I wanted. Maybe if I let go, I’ll find something better, or rather, let it find me.
I think this story about a little girl letting go of her hard earned fake pearls might just say it all. There is a little pause, between breathing in and out. Between day and night. The pause only exists in our minds because it’s all just one continuous loop- maybe just one string vibrating to make the music of the spheres as it were. Yet the message is clear- letting go, being empty, even if just for a second, is where love, enlightenment, and faith are. They aren’t in what you cling to, they are in the void which shouldn’t really be called such. God is in the surrender, He/She was always there. You were just too busy looking at something else to see (Him).
We try to be grateful of what we have, but we should also be grateful of what we have not.
Love and peace and Namaste,