So I realized that I have become pretty calcified in the way I view my life- not being willing to move, to change, to grow beyond what I already have, being afraid of the future, afraid to take risks, etc.
The truth is that I still do long for transformation in my life, most especially in the area of love.
But I haven’t been willing to change my plans or even theoretically give up anything for anyone. I haven’t been willing to grow.
Looking back continually on the past, I’ve been afraid that if I was in a relationship, I would stop growing, and I would have missed out on so many of the wonderful opportunities that I’ve been able to seize.
But the truth is that love helped create those opportunities, both directly and indirectly.
Maybe my ex boyfriend din’t appreciate travel, but his grandparents did.
They continue to inspire me.
Maybe the one that it wasn’t meant to be with didn’t end up inspiring me to move back to Washington, but he did provide a lot of support for me and my life in France, and I think that he ultimately pulled the plug on our friendship because he felt it would block me from taking advantage of all life has to offer here. The lat time I heard for him, I told him I was hesitating to renew my contract, and all I really wanted was to go home and settle down.
Lies, though it didn’t seem that way at the time.
I have had very specific visions of what I wanted from life, and I thought I had hit the end of the road with my permanent contract and job I like in Paris.
But this is only the beginning of the road.
Whether I stay in France for the rest of my life, or I leave to go somewhere new in a heartbeat, I have to stay fresh and ready to transform.
And that special someone is going to change me. He is going to challenge me, and knock my life off course. He is going to ask questions that disturb me, and because of him, I’ll have hard choices to make- not only my interests vs theinterests of the relationship, but also as I ask the question, ” Who am I and what do I want?” that will change too.
If I fall in love, I am going to make some mistakes and sacrifices. Even if it all works out and the next day I date is the one I remain happily married to for the rest of my life, it’s not going to be easy, and no matter how compatible we might be, this person is going to change me, and I him.
There will be opportunities missed and paths I didn’t get to reach the end of.
But there will also be something real, a true story instead of the many possible futures. And it won’t all be perfect and easy and yes, it will change me.
Just as I was beginning to get this self love thing down, it will change me.
Just as I thought I knew what I wanted and could predict my life, another person will come along and mess all my calculations up.
I will hae to give up te illusion f control even more, and I will have to give up te idea that only I will influence where I am going.
t is a hard thing, to trust someone else to influence you.
It is a hard thing, to be vulnerable that way.
It’s a hard thing, that someday there will be a sacrifice- actually everday.
But I will get much more than I give, I do believe.
And I do get to keep my boundaries, and my power and autonomy, just not my certainty.
And not my heart.
THis will be the scariest thing I ever do, to fall in love as an adult, especially as a young adult, who is still impressionable and does’t have everything figured out.
I thought maybe I could wait until I was fixed in stone and my personality and life totally perfected befor efinding love.
Well, as it turns out, I am never going to be beyond improving, and love is about being imperfect and vulnerable and letting someone adore you anyway.
I am ready to be adored, and influenced, and protected and cared for, and advised, and sacrificed for. Iam ready to love and be loved, and to let it change me.
Love is the only true adventure.
And I am committed to it, with head and heart.