The all-consuming question, which, really is irrelevant, cause how much will I deliberate plan and choose my path versus have my future emerge from primordial ooze? Well, why not muse out loud on the bloggy blog? Isn’t that what blogs are for?
So let’s talk about things I have felt good about doing. Shit is about to get real here, about my real non virtual life, albeit I’m going to skip providing a ton of context since I like a little semi anonymity and I’m lazy
Things that make me feel like I’ve accomplished something and how I feel about them
Writing on my bloggy- I feel good, like I am creating something cool and original, but hey, isn’t figuring out the meaning of life the meaning of life? Not sure if this is it exactly, or I want it to become my dayjob. Where would I get the fodder for posts? Lone solitary contemplation- ehh, do enough of that already.
Explaining one culture to another- God, I feel good about myself when I do this. What a diplomat, but not under the constraints of working for a government, just one private citizen to another, promoting international understanding. But man, is it draining, troubling, and necessary.
Pondering the big questions of creating the good society. Not exactly a day job, maybe at a think tank with major credentials and possibly having done stuff in the world, Not very satisfying since there are no solid answers and you don’t get to make that much impact.
Writing poetry- God, I feel bad for my next boyfriend sometimes. Moving on. We’ll publish it someday for posterity I guess, or maybe just keep scribbling for now.
Explaining shit to the poor tired huddled masses who aren’t exactly yearning to think freely- Ding ding ding. I do find this rewarding, but also gosh darn draining. Not necessarily the route to appreciation, but impact, maybe. Could have been a public school teacher, but since critical thinking is off the menu in Texas and isn’t really the main course anywhere but academia (is it, even there?) Guess Facebook it is, for now.
Maybe I could work someone with some chillens or young adults, because I like them. I do, maybe it is not just the whole maternal instinct (gasp- don’t we live in a post-feminist society).
But I like to think big, and I want to make some kind of tangible impact too, or at least get government/business to do smarter things. Why the hell can’t we think of out of the box and do things new and differently?
A mentor told me my greatest strength is thinking strategically, and recently in b-school, I’ve been coming off in the personality tests as a visionary/symbolic leader. This kind of makes sense, since I did really enjoy communication theory and rhetorical analysis when I was doing speech and debate. Plus, I’m Catholic (sometimes against all odds) but anyway, here’s hoping I kind of figure it out soonish. Every day is a step closer, and I have a feeling I’ll be making some major breakthroughs soon since I’m in a good place.
I really just want to be free to dream and inspire, and translate a little of that into reality. For me, the point is often innovation itself. I am particularly attracted to education, but well, that is the future and the place most ripe for change, or so I believe. I just want to be in a place where people appreciate me and my talents can shine, instead of being reminded constantly of my weaknesses and being a square peg in a round hole. I guess that’s what leadership can be, and its not an easy path. You have to really believe in what you are doing in order to run against the tide.
Anyway, I do have some status/wealth needs too, especially with the constraints of my school loans. Not totally sure how this is going to work out. I really just want to write and consult and have speaking engagements and a leadership seminar. Totally just want to be called upon for advice and have a little something I provide strategic direction for but don’t have to do too much executing or administrative details. God, I can’t believe I’m about to admit that on the internet. If you can dream it, you can do it right? I guess the thing is that even for myself, I don’t want the well-worn path, maybe I just think I’m special and unique and it’s gotta be different for me than for everyone else, but I’ve put in some of those 10000 hours to be great and have learned a lot. I’m always learning and trying to be better, I just haven’t had a work environment that really tapped into my full potential or productivity. SO yeah, still not sure but thoughts out there for all to see are much more cohesive and reassuring than journal scribble, and I can always make it private. Think I’ll keep it public long enough for somebody to see and maybe suggest anyway. It makes me feel like a better future is coming anyhow.
Somehow since I started writing this blog, which also coincided with some other interesting life events, I feel like I really can and will get the things I want in life, and that I know who i am and what I want. I am not so lost, just having trouble picking between A B and C when I really want to break the mold, because that’s just how I roll, I guess. I already have though, and I probably will continue. My experiences don’t define me but the insights I have gotten from them have. I do really want to make an impact and define them. I’m ot totally okay with just writing things in academic journals and I really don’t like being by myself all the time anyway. I’m more into what is produced than the task by task thing, and sometimes I put myself down because in that whole organized detail oriented thing I feel like I am so much worse but really all weakness is relative and i’m doing pretty okay in life. It’s amazing how being an MBA candidate, and being around awesome people all the time, will really make you feel like a boss. Master of te Universe in trainign/ Master of being awesome. That’s the noblesse oblige of the future private sector leaders for you. O there’s that word leadership again…
Well, I always loved French. Sometimes, not often, i wonder if I would have been hpapy just being a French teacher, that was one possible path that was like, Plan B if the b school thing didn’t work out. I guess, when I was talking to my mom not long ago about how someone I know’s potential got wasted because of the French system, she said that this friend of mine did have a good life, and so did she and the other non-world changing people. You know, she was right. And no matter how awesome my career is, I cant get all my life fulfillment from it. I mean, I could, but I really won’t because that’s not who I am. I do sometimes really just want to have real true love and a family. I do want a career as well, sans question, but I am awesome whether I get paid for my awesomeness or not. I think that’s why this blog is making me feel so good, it makes me feel less stress and less defined by my career path. I also get to feel alone and yet not alone at the same time whcih is good.
I also spend a ton of time thinking about my future location and where I want to live, since that has a ton to do with the career puzzle, and also with the family thing(both the one I have and the dude I hope to marry and have babies with) . In a way, I’ll be happy to stay or too go, really I just want good people around me and lifelong friends, but I do know now that however much it hurts to find the people that aren’t, it is your life long friends who it doesn’t matter where you go either. Maybe I should start watching How I Met Your Mother. French people like it and the philsophy is supposed to be all about accepting life’s twists and turns.
I guess I just want a job that reflects who I am ad allows me to use my abilities. i actually have a fairly good idea of what that might entail, though don’t know exactly where to find it. Thankfully, life will probably direct me where the world needs me most as long as i keep on being me. Keep on, keeping on.
It’s that weird parodoxical realizing there’s no right answer, and what will happen, happnes for a reason. Like the whole, why am I not already rich and famous and married to the love of my lfie thing? Obvs rich and famous are kind of superfluous, though at least for me, the love thing is not, at least at first glance. But you know, will figure it out by hook or by crook, and if it doesn’t happen, I will be just damn ducky anyway. There is no optimal life, some shady universe where I am perfect anyway. I’ve decided to stop competing with that version of my self that doesn’t really exist anyway and start just trying to love the imperfect one that is. It’s a decision, an aesethic choice, like all love. But yes, it is happening and it will happen and I just need ot sleep and meditate and do some homework. Deep breath.