I think that’s how I can some up, wel, maybe the last two years.
I wanted to do business school, and get a scholarship to go.
I did it, and I second guessed myself 90% of the way.
I wanted a job, and sometimes I say I see no meaning or purpose to what I do.
Most of all, I wanted to come to Paris mroe than anything, I came here, and I was still miserable.
Maybe not as miserable as before, but still deep in the merde and fog of depression.
Things didn’t seem to go right, even though I had followed my heart- even doing so through pragmatic means, so there was no real reason to fret- both reason and passion should have been satisfied.
But no, I continued my excessive and self destructive and self sabotaging behavior, although perhaps less than before for some things.
I stayed in the fog, felt guilty for being ungrateful and unhappy, ad beat myself up every time a challenge occurred, blaming myself for it all and scorning myself for not having taken an easier- or suposedly easier- path.
In other words, I had everything and more to be happy- nothng at all reallyto complain about- but I still found reasons to complain.
It wasn’t perfect, but it was what I wanted- and I didn’t really want to change it and did nothing to that effect- but I still was not happy.
With every tangible success, with every proof there’s more to me than I thought, with every time I have courage to go for what I really want and face the unknown, with every truly roaring success story that I can only see as a failure in some twisted way, I have faced ever greater resistance.
At one point it was subconscious, but now it’s come out of hiding for what it is- just another form of the inner critic, ego at its worst.
It’s the voice that says, you are a horrible person for not going to the gym.
It’s also the voice that says, it is gonna suck if you go to the gym, you are so out of shape, you’ll be falling behind, you deserve the shame and humiliation.
It is the voice that says, if things were right and you hadn’t fucked up your life you would have no problem going to the gym.
ANd it’s the voice that will say, look I told you so, it’s already been proven before, you have no willpower and you are a failure at everything that matters.
And it gets worse- look at you wasting your most fertile beautiful years being fat, how do you ever expect to meet someone decent looking the way you do? Your stock is going down.
And when I do meet someone who likes me as I am, they are inevitably not good enough for me some how, not compatible, or really the guy is just lying.
So yeah, there are many ups and downs of living in Paris, but it’s nothing compared to the rollercoaster inside my head.
I’m a bit lost and struggling.
My sense is that I just have to push harder, but the more I push thinking the only way to justify myself is to achieve to prove the voice wrong, I’m not sure if it’s just another form of strengthening the voice.
Can’t I just heal, and do things that are good out of love for myself, and not needing to prove something?
Can’t I just be happy, and be motivated positively instead of always thinking I”m not enough?
Can I learn to achieve without hating myself into it?
Can I be happy even when I haven’t made it to the top?
Will I ever be satisfied?
Can I ever just be happy for myself and proud once in a while?
I am getting there, and I think it’s possible. 🙂