I take to the internet, asking a group of digital nomads the eternal question-
Should I stay or should I go now?
Stay, and build, and get citizenship maybe. Go, on a new adventure, hoping that somewhere else is better, and maybe a bit better paying.
The answer was overwhelming “STAY”
A kind soul took the time to message me directly- “It’s not about France, it’s about you. What do you really want to do? Write that memoir. In the time it takes to get citizenship you can have sold the book and be planning book tours.”
And i can get to be a hotshot in content marketing and social media and enhance my professional reputation and pay off date and get that passport that will let me come back to France, always. Because I still love it and always will- even if at some point, I let go.
I talked to my good friend, who has also read the Alchemist a thousand times.
“Right now you’re the shiney shop guy who wants to go to Mecca, because you are comfortable and it might be good or bad”
So what is my Mecca- everywhere and nowhere, the road.
Space without center or limit.
Freedom.
Living out of a suitcase.
Being able to experience the world in all its diversity and beauty, and owning next to nothing.
At least for a time. To go, and support myself as I go, to have roots in the earth itself-
after having spent my youth in France incha allah.
As for the man and the baby? If they come to me, when I am my full, lovely, enchantress, free spirit, arms wide open, travelling fool aspiring surfer girl and mountain mama self, why not?
If someone can take me with my philosophy, with my Buddhism, with my extraversion, with my sensuality and all my fire, YES.
But I am done trying to fit into a box- whether it be for a man or money or motherhood.
I am not an earth creature. I come from the fire, I fly in the sky. The earth is my friend, not my property. I flow like the ocean, in big waves, and sometimes in alpine lakes tucked high in the clouds.
I write and I speak and I tell my tales.
So I realized I’ve been to forty countries, and I hadn’t even realized it at the time.
“Your blog is about seeking and finding,” said my wise friend, my guardian angel.
I would rather have forty countries than forty blocks of gold. I want to be rich, yes, rich in experience and luxury and full of abundance and true prosperity.
YES money, but so much else.
So maybe I don’t want a cat and or a baby in such desperation as I thought before, even if I think babies are cute.
And as for a lover, I’m ready, but I’m not waiting for anyone.
I’m not a nun or a monk or anything like that, but I am vowed to the sky quand meme.
I am radiance, come what may, and that’s more important than trying to snare a man or rushing to be on time for a baby.
If they are mine, they will come.
And maybe I won’t be in the mood to roam forever.
Nothing is forever, all compounded things are impermanent.
And I am a Buddhist, whether I have taken refuge in the Buddha or not.
I have taken refuge in the sweet sad impermanence of the beauty, ugly, and ever changing world. I take refuge in the path, that never leads exactly where we think. I have taken refuge in joy and wonder and most of all, surprise.
I have taken refuge not in a country, but in liberte, egalite, fraternite
Joyeux fete de la Bastille
May we storm the prisons of our minds and gain victory every day.
I used to think fragility was about letting a crystal glass fall to the floor and shatter, and berating myself for mourning it when I knew it was going to break anyway.
It was more about pushing the hero off the pedestal, making demands that time wouldn’t allow him to meet,
showing more of myself than I was ready to tell.
It meant saying I love you to someone who didn’t have the time of day for me, because I couldn’t be less than honest, I couldn’t do less than strive, no matter how hopeless the situation.
It meant letting someone let you down over and over again, until the Sevres plate was chipped beyond all recognition and had to be thrown out.
It was about leaving silk out in the rain and knowing you’d have to throw it out, but not being willing to take it out of the elements since that was where it was left, where you wanted to put it.
It was more about putting myself in the way of disappointment, and hopeless, Candide faith that wasn’t worth a damn. It was about letting life let you down, letting people let you down, opening yourself up to be eaten alive, diving in knowing you were going to drown.
There was a certain self abnegating, Rainbow fish quality to it. LIke the giving tree left as a stump, it seemed like love, even though it just left me as a stump.
It came somehow out of the feeling that my feelings weren’t really worth much, and a resignation, a fatalism that any slipper than that wasn’t a perfect fit was futile- even if the perfect one was made of glass and even after searching every cellar and table, there was no Cinderella to found.
And no one but you had seen Cinderella at the ball, but if you squinted just so, there was a prince instead of a toad.
And you just kept on kissing him, only to find he’d given you warts!
And the same thing happened, when you ate the magic apple and fell into a deathlike stupor,
And history repeated itself again and again until finally, you kissed the wolf in Grandma’s clothing and he ate you whole.
Then finally, by the grace of God, the whale spit you out on the shores of Ninevah and I stopped mixing metaphors.
And finally, you began to understand. It took some locust eating in the desert and some more imagery from the accursed city where you fasted and prayed, but it happened.
one day, you found that the tree that had been sheltering you had become a friend. ANd the tree had a soul, and even eyes and ears and lips.
The tree was not a feature of the landscape, but he might as well have been since you decided he wasn’t Prince Charming. His skin was mere bark to you, his shade just a moment of respite.
Until the tree, or rather the man, earned your trust. It took a while, but then all of a sudden, your body began to recognize him. Your skin felt it first- not bark, not plastic, not stone- not a statue, not an idol, not a carven image, but a real man.
But he didn’t look like Prince Charming, and he wasn’t treating you like a princess either, so you continued not paying too much attention to him- or he to you, honestly- and you just enjoyed his shade from time to time.
It was companionable, much as it was disconcerting for you both to look each other in the eyes.
Then one day the message finally traveled to your head- This is a real boy! And your mind had plans for him.
What role could he play? WHat mask should he wear? How can he be seamlessly integrated into the soap opera of your life?
Which of the 12 storylines in the world is this, and how can we edit the story so, “it had to be you?” and by what means can we catch him, uproot him, and plant him in our garden? No better, how can we take off a branch in the briefest of spring flowers, and make it stay as a flower forever, under glass, unchanging, un growing, un dying.
And how could you bare your heart to him in a way that would make him give up his? How could you use your honesty to manipulate him? How could you make sure you got the happy ending, finally, and make sense of all those past wrongs and hurts and mostof all, your own mistakes? How could you keep the story going, so you never had to settle, so you were always the victim, if only ofyour own desire, how could you kep the dream of riding off into the sunset alive?
Finally, it became clear, listening to all that nonsense.
You said, “I don’t want to turn someone into a prop in my fantasy.”
You said, “I want to find someone to love who will become my fantasy, and my reality.”
You said, “I want someone who feeds my imagination, but I want to let go of my illusions and delusion.”
And at that moment, it was a new story.
You turned to another chaper, where the plot was as yet uncharted, the end unwritten.
This was a story you couldn’t quite predict, and you wrote it with care.
First, you stopped thinking of him as a tree, or Mr Prince CHarming. ANd you noticed how over time, you liked him more.
Second, instead of telling this being that you loved him, you waited. And you decided to get to know him.
Third, you were patient, and you didn’t try to force an opening when there was none. You stopped playing tennis without a partner. You were interested but not obsessed.
and Fourth, you let him go, when life was calling him elsewhere. (He wasn’t a tree after all.)
Knowing that he didn’t have to be Prince Charming, knowing that you didn’t have to control the end, and most of all, that you could wait to see what happens, that was your Valentine’s Day present to yourself.
ANd just knowing that it will all be ok, regardless of how it turns out, was monomental.
Now you are fragile, in love with your garden, with your puppy, and not with your reflection in the funhouse mirror.
Now you are building something,and letting all roads lead to Rome which wasn’t built in a day after all.
Now, you are letting things go, simply because they are too heavy. ANd that includes the checklist an dall your far too heavy expectations and that narrow box you wanted to put him in.
Now you are letting things go, letting your old self go, your old patterns and habits.
And ou are makign some space to, when the time comes, let someone in.
And until then, you are just happy.
And after, whatever may happen, you are just happy.
Because love is not te crystal glass or the diamond ring. It is the light hat makes them shine and cast rainbows on the wall, and it is yours, from deep within.
Today I went to McDonald’s for dinner. I do that a lot, sometimes. I thought I was just cranky and it was PMS, and I could feel a bit of neuroticism and anxiety rising up in me, seeming to confirm it.
one of the big draws to McDo’s is that there is a tv going, and I don’t have tv. it’s a chance to watch the new, which takes on a whole new level of meaning and satire when you do it in French, especially when they make fun of France’s current president.
Seeing the news makes me feel good about not going into politics or public policy- there are no easy answers to the world’s problems and to push for systemic change just seems so vast. Sometimes I am happy to be a humble marketer, not least because I am no longer an unpaid intern and having McDonald’s for dinner, even in overpriced France, while not exactly in my most ambitious is not going to break the bank either. And I enjoy my work, and basically do the same stuff as I did when I interned in Washington.
I realized that sometimes I eat out because I feel lonely and want to be around people, and because I’m afraid that once I climb the staits to my bedroom I’m just going to stay there and while away the night mostly on facebook and reading random articles. I also realized that planning a trip wiwth a friend who’s coming to see me has made me aware of just how far I’ve come, and just how little desire I sometimes have to go back. And hings are just going better and better here.
So then I went to monoprix, a grocery store here, and I bought a reusable tote. Which is something of a staple item here, the ones from Monoprix in particular. So French. And I look at the things I buy in my basket, and I realize, so French, or at least so not what I used to eat. Salad because it tastes good, wine because I know how to pick a good cheap one, a good cheese because cheese, and I also picked up some american mini cinnamon rolls that I HAD TO have,e ven though I had already eaten well at McDonald’s. These were the goodies that I couldn’t stop myself from stuffing down on more than one occassion, that come in packs of thirty from Costco and have haunted me during family events when we buy goodies in industrial size contianers.
So I walked back home, remembering just how much I like grocery shopping in France, and really engaged my surroundings. Just really enjoyed them. And realized I have no real desire to go to India or anywhere else for that matter, regardless of if it’s the thing to do careerwise hot topic wise or not. And at this moment, I have no strong desire to go home either. I really could stay here forever, and want to stay here for the near future. I really could have kids with names like Guillame and Manon, really could be shocked at my own reflection in a shop window-elegant, classic, and rapidly slimming with very little conscious effort on my part. You look more European every day, said a facebook friend of my most recent photo- I made it my profile pic.
I ate the mini cinnamon rolls, even though they were disgustingly too sweet and the pastry was just gross. Not up to my textural standards and they gave me a real sugar and fat industrial production high. They did taste better the more I ate. Why did I keep eating them? I could have just thrown one or two of the three away. I just wanted to fully satiate the craving, and I fell into the old habit of not wanting to stop what I had started eating. I had the feeling this was a situation where a stop back would springboard into two steps or more forward. My awareness was flooded with these remembered as tasty, delicious, uncontrollably scrumptious snacks but they were actually horrible, and you had to eat more in order for them to taste good, somehow. And I just remembered all the holiday parties and days and nights of temptation when they were just the best thing I could imagine at that moment. And I was almost sad to realize I’d lose my taste for them. To be fair, they were slighly past the best by date.
I don’t see disliking some of the things of my youh and that I associate with home as a sign of rejecting my roots- if anything, on a subconscious level I’ve been trying to keep some American in me if only in the form of junk food. In fact, I feel like a child again and more aware of my love for my parents especially than ever. But I do find it hard to imagine going bak- although I’d certainly be seeing my native home with new eyes.
The truth is, I’m happy where I am.
Now I don’t know if that has to do with self acceptance, or maturity, or the fact that things really are totally awesome when it comes down to it. Is it the inner or the outer happiness, or is there really any differene between them?
Honestly, I have found a way of life I like a lot- enough that many of my earlier fears and cravings-believing the perfect partner, job, or body would fix everything and I couldn’t be happy without everything in place, perfectionism fueld by a real lack of self love- have sort of faded away, and for that I am graeful.
And as my shell cracks away, I realize I may have ugly duckling moments, but when it comes down to it, I see in myself a swan. And that has made all the difference.
Pretty much all of my life, I’ve believed that being witht he right person was almost like a foolproof key to hapiness. With my first boyfriend, I truly believed he was the one and even after we broke up (very painfully), I still believed it was a question of being with someone. I fell in lust/addiction/toxic love quite quickly after that, and in the absence of the person I pined for who was not really emotionally available and more of a lesson than a source of joy in my life, I made stronger friendships, tried new things, and found parts of myself I hadn’t felt able to fully expose with my first boyfriend. With this less healthy love, I was hurt in predictable ways based on my own self loathing and the things my ex didn’t like about me but most of the time was kind enough not to point out, and I just kept coming back for more over the course of three years. It even alienated my close friends who just got tired of hearing about my obsssion. I couldn’t get over my initial image of him, and when he eventually fell from that pedestal, I still craved his approval even though being with him didn’t give me the same high it once did-a classic symptom of addiction as my friend pointed out. Eventually things finally ended when I got an internship in another city, although the actual breakup trigger was a really trivial and hurtful thing which finally showed me the kind of person I was really dealing with, and I didn’t beg him to stay.
The summer I met someone I thought was the love of my life. Due to extenuating circumstances, we were not able to be together and both of us were leaving after the summer. We had a solid friendship, and something just clicked. Saying goodbye to him was really hard, and the sadness didn’t go away. I told him how I really felt and asked him for us to try and be together, but he (probably kindly) just told me with the distance it just couldn’t work but he’d like to remain friends if I can forgive him.
We have remained friends, and he’s been a big source of support when I’ve been going through some major life changes, and I like to think that I have been helpful to him too. In the past couple weeks he has felt a lot less present to me, which may well mean he has other suff going on or another girlfriend or something. I don’t blame him, whatever it might be. But I do finally reocgonize that the man of my dreams may be just that- the man of my dreams, and while I will always love him as a friend and as a human and am unspeakably grateful to have found a human I connect with on such a soul level, I have stopped chasing him and will let Destiny decide. Maybe we would be great together, but he’s on a different continent and happy where he is, as I am happy where I am. While I probably would have been willing to try something long distance if I was convinved he was committed, I recognize that the larger issue is that for whatever reason, he’s not willing or able to be present to me in the way I want and need from a partner. Or at least, not now. And for a HUGE change, I’m going to let it go.
I’ve felt so sad and disappointed in him, realizing that if i dont make the first move or chat him up, he won’t often reach out to me and sometimes when he does and I get back to him, he’s stiill not really there. It could just be a question of timing, I don’t assume any ill-will on his part. But sometimes it is all in the timing.
And I deserve to be where I am right now, happy. I don’t have to miss him. He’s not the one that got away. He was the right person at the wrong time, and while it’s taken me a while to really understand it, I’m glad I finally do.
And now I am faced with all the mental space I have frieed up from not worrying about whether he does secretly likeme back or not, whether i should be oquettish or direct, and just like, chillax and not worry about whether/where our paths will cross and what I’d ahve to give up in order to be with him.
Because the truth is, for him or anyone, there are certain things I’m just not willing to give up. Most of all, I dodn’t want to sacrifice the sense of aliveness, of personal growth and adventure, taht comes when I follow my heart. Love is the greatest adventure, and if you are trying to plan and scheme ot make it come true, it’s not the real thing. It would be one thing to follow my heart and make a drastic change for love if my heart was in it aand so was the other person’s. But to hypothetical think about how things might happen in the future is missing out on all the possibilities for love now.
I recently met someone I enjoy as a person with what little I know him and who gave me great pleasure. He is nothing like the guy I left behind, physically or in many aspects of personality and temperament. In fact, he’s much more like me. While this dude is actually leaving for adventure, I would have liked to have the chance to know him more and am happy for the time we did spend together. While I was afraid it would turn into another episode of loving someone far away, or worse, not loving every since because letting of C the other guy I have felt a certain snse of numbness, and as well as spaciousness- giving him up mad e a ton of room in my mind and heart, he took up so much space- or liking someone just because they gave you pleasure and you feel guilty for NOT having more fo an emotional connction, I’m just so happy to have found that maybe love is available to me in places and people I didn’t expect. Maybe every guy I wrote off as an impossible prospect but just interesting enough to date is actually my true love in disguise, and my image of true love only looks a certain way because I have been in denial of who I really am and ashamed of myself.
I may not get everything I think I want in a partner, but I will get what I really need and more. Even if it doesn’t happen in the way I expected.
So for the first time since I heard a fairytale, I’m not obsessed with having my Prince. Even more of a change, I’m not in search of where I belong, my mission in life, or obsessed with meeting my next objective. Life is less dramatic, but infused with joy and space to really breathe. I”m not thinking of a thousand things at once and worried about an imaginary problem, I’m just content in the moment for the most part.
And I think this is really how things get better, and how people really fall in love. With life, with themselves, forever.
Sometimes saying Yes to Life is having a drink with a handsome stranger. Sometimes it’s following you rheart thousands of miles from where your head and everybody else say you should be .Sometimes saying Yes to Life is letting go of someone you love.
And today, it’s going to be sitting in the park drinking champagne.
Can’t beat that, right?
I found myself, and lost my self. At least the part of me that was weighing me down.
I lost the drama of unrequited love, of regret, of living in the past.
I lost the heartbreak, the guilt of denying my deepest desires, the fear of my own satisfaction.
And most of all, I have given up on the things that aren’t meant for me, and found my path, all the while realizing that my path is wherever I am now, and God can and will and DOES meet me everywhere I go, I cannot flee or escape him, no amount of betises (stupid acts) on my part can drive him away, He’ll meet me wherever I am.
What I guess I’m trying to say is, I’m here now, and it feels soo good.
I gave up on someone who doesn’t love me. I gave up on the life I thought I was going to live. I gave up on trying to make my path straight, and the constant drama of believing I need to be anything other than where I am.
I gave up on trying to plan my future. I gave up on condemning my past. I gave up the guilt I feel for my desires and appetites, I gave up on the guilt I feel when I am satisfied.
I gave up on always constantly striving for more, more, more.
Life without this drama is very interesting. It lacks the sharp tang of bitterness and the constant flurry of motion without progress. My mind is empty a lot more of the time. I don’t feel violence towards myself- I feel whole, beautiful, complete as I am.
Life is not a self improvement game.
The ego still plays its tricks, trying to get me to identify with something but I accept the shapeless, infinite nature of reality, and the fact that everything changes and dissolves to be reborn in its way. I also feel a deep connection with myself, especially my body, so I am aware of myself not as a collection of choices or identities, but an awareness that is quite literally bigger than my body and yet so accepting and infinitely tender with the incredible gift that I have in a body, in the role I am playing in this life. And it feels less and less like searching for the perfect dress, or taking a personality quiz to figure out my type, or deciding what mask to where to the ball. In a sense, I’ve accepted the mask I’m wearing now and it has become a part of me, and in the acceptance of it, it has dissolved, making m part of something larger, yet completely myself, at home in my skin in a way I’ve never been before.
I’ve been able to accept my depression, my weight gain, my running after someone who didn’t love me the way I wanted, and all of my young and wild and unwise bullshit, all the mistakes I’ve made, as part of the path. Doing all of those things didn’t mean I was off track- they were just part of the course.
And the end is the beginning, the end of one story the commencement of another, coming into port just a sign you’re about to set sail. And yet, there is no path, that is a trick of the mind, there only ever was and is and will be, NOW. And both are true.
Just letting go of the idea that my life has to be a certain way, that I am responsible, that it is all about teh climb, is the biggest stress relief I have ever tasted. I feel it in my bones. And for the second time in my adult life, I can say I am truly happy exactly where I am, and I won’t move unless I need to, in which case I will just trust God.
So a lot of my inner conflicts are gone. I would like to fall in love, and have a baby, but I trust God that it will happen at the right time. I am not really worried about finding a partner, I know he’ll find me when the time is right. And it doesn’t have to be the person I thought I always wanted either. Who knows, maybe it will be, but it doesn’t ahve to be him or anyone just like him either.
I feel so free. I realized that I can and will be happy in my life, and that only helps other people do what they truly desire and be happy as well. I am a joy to myself and others.
I am finally happy with my body. I want to get healthier, and thinner, and I can just feel the layers of emotional weight and undigested negative emotions release as I am just accepting of life. I don’t need to fight with life or myself anymore.
And maybe it wasn’t the dream I thought I always wanted, but being here, with all the ups and downs, is wonderful for me. IT is just one of thousands of paths I could have taken and lives I could have lived, but it is MY path, and I love it as such. And I really, relaly, like my life.
I’ve also found that as soon as the secret shame is spoken, or the not actually harmful but unconventional desire one harbored but abhorred is explored, it loses its power and charge. SOme things are only atractiv because we feel like we can’t, or shouldn’t, and the real problem is the obsession, the hiding and shame, much more so than the thing itself.
And perfection isn’t something to be searched for, or defined. Your life doesn’t need to be perfect, what’s most important is that you find it satisfying. Even if you are trying to change it, be happy in the process! It’s free and it’s good for you- suffering is not automatically good for the soul. Growth doesn’t always have to be painful. Letting go of old pain is a real sign of growth!
And to release the psychodrama, the constant flow of not good enough, not going in the right direction, must work harder, must plan, what’s wrong with me, why doesn’t he want me, wouldn’t I be lovely with a few extra pounds, I love you but…what a gift. Probably the best gift I’ve given myself, up there with Crossfit, massage, moving to France, yoga, the wall stickers in my room, and my ukelele which is a dlight yet to be discovered.
Everything’s really ok just the way it is, and yet it is getting even better.
Did I mention, my body is beautiful, just as it is? I feel beautiful in my body, I’m finally comfortable in my skin.
And no, he doesn’t love me, a least no the way I wanted him to, but I love myself and that’s the most important thing.
The pearl of great price, my birthright.
And I just feel this incredible sense of completeness, an immense peace.
There’s nothing wrong iwhth my contradictions, there is nothing more than my flawed hummanity, I too posess basic goodness and am as worthy of my love and compassion as any other pbeing.
And life is just so, so good.
And I’m curious to see what happens next 😉
Antonio Machado: Traveller, There Is No Path
Everything passes on and everything remains,
But our lot is to pass on,
To go on making paths,
Paths across the sea.
I never sought glory,
Nor to leave my song
In the memory of man;
I love those subtle worlds,
Weightless and graceful,
As bubbles of soap.
I like to watch as they paint themselves
In sunlight and scarlet, floating
Beneath the blue sky, trembling
Suddenly then popping…
I never sought glory.
Traveller, your footprints
Are the path and nothing more;
Traveller, there is no path,
The path is made by walking.
By walking the path is made
And when you look back
You’ll see a road
Never to be trodden again.
Traveller, there is no path,
Only trails across the sea…
Some time past in that place
Where today the forests are dressed in barbs
A poet was heard to cry
“Traveller, there is no path,
The path is made by walking…”
Beat by beat, verse by verse…
The poet died far from home.
He lies beneath the dust of a neighbouring land.
As he walked away he was seen to weep.
“Traveller, there is no path,
The path is made by walking…”
Beat by beat, verse by verse…
When the goldfinch cannot sing,
When the poet is a pilgrim,
When prayer will do us no good.
“Traveller, there is no path,
The path is made by walking…”
Beat by beat, verse by verse.
Ithaka by Constantine P Cavafy
As you set out for Ithaka
hope the voyage is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
angry Poseidon—don’t be afraid of them:
you’ll never find things like that on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
wild Poseidon—you won’t encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.
Hope the voyage is a long one.
May there be many a summer morning when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you come into harbors seen for the first time;
may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfume of every kind—
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to gather stores of knowledge from their scholars.
Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you are destined for.
But do not hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you are old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.
Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her you would not have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.
And if you find her poor, Ithaka won’t have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you will have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.
” O Siddhartha, truly you are a worthy seeker.
What could I say to you that would be of value, except that perhaps you seek too much, that as a result of your seeking you cannot find.”
― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha
So, I’m at the point in my life where I sometimes feel like I have run out of dreams- at least big, hairy dreams that take a lot of commitment and aren’t just like getting married and making a baby. That one can wait, I think. And like everything else, it’s not really my control.
SO I don’t have a plan or a big overarching goal.
So I don’t see myself in five years or twenty years or even one year. All I know is, onward and upward, and I don’t want to stay here indefinitely.
But maybe faith is not scouring the internet taking personality tests and flipping coins to see which direction to go in and getting yourself so worked up trying to solve a problem that doesn’t exist.
THe problem is actually just life- the rise and fall of the tides of the river in perpetual onward motion- effortless.
I will make it to the other shore, the water will find its way back ot the ocean.
And what happens in the meantime is just fun.
Adventure.
LIFE
something not to be quivered at, or sneered at, or to cause you to bust into tears. Not something to cause you to run forever without stopping, or latch on to the closest thing and hold on tight refusing to be dragged.
life is really just admitting I don’t know.
And when I do know, to say, yes or know as appropriate.
I’m not a woman in search of a dream, or as Eat Pray Love lady called herself, a woman in search of her word, I’m just a fellow traveler, a pilgrim on this earth.
Even if sometimes, I am feeling a desire for greater stability, even if stability is an illusion.
Maybe not stability, but commitment and connectedness, though thankfully I am developing here some real ties that will stay with me anywhere I will go.
But to let go, even of the need to have a goal, to do anything beyond this moment.
To plan, strive, connive, “achieve.”
Because yes, delayed gratification is a great thing, but only if you are fully living in the moment.
And also letting go means to admit that I don’t really want to stop being young, I want to alway sbe this full of potential, of love, so open.
“When someone seeks,” said Siddhartha, “then it easily happens that his eyes see only the thing that he seeks, and he is able to find nothing, to take in nothing because he always thinks only about the thing he is seeking, because he has one goal, because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: having a goal. But finding means: being free, being open, having no goal.”
― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha
I met someone a few years ago, just before I went to France to live here for the first time. Even before I knew his name, I saw him from afar and was like, HELL YEAH. And then one day I met him one on one for the first time, and when he walked towards me, my soul had something very special to say about it, and the closer he got to me physically, and the more we talked, the better I felt.
Timing was not right then, as it is not now. It’s been about three years. I have confessed my love to him multiple times, and he has responded with variations of it being the wrong moment. I’ve been sad, but never destroyed by this, he’s never made me feel bad about myself. Our friendship has had ups and downs and there have been times I’ve cut him out of my life, only to try to rekindle what I have with him, the strange feeling that not a day has passed and no one will ever get me like he does, nor I him. Because we are ridiculously the same, though also on the surface pretty different. I’ve never found anyone whose values resonated more with mine, nor have I felt such a deep, wordless, magical connection that at first I took for granted since I didn’t have a lot of experience until I started thinking I was crazy for how I seemed to just know his thoughts.
I don’t know if it’s the same for me, but somehow being with him is always a release. He knows which buttons to press.
The songs he suggests stay stuck in my head for days, and his jokes make me laugh hours later. I see him everywhere I go, I see his dog, and sometimes for no apparent reason I see his face in my mind’s eye clear as day.
There are times many times that he hasn’t been all I wanted in a friend. He has deeply disappointed me. I don’t really know if he feels the same way that I do, although he has said that we share a deep connection and he appreciates my loyalty and depth of feeling. But he’s a little older, and he has never done anything to hold me back, and I think he just accepts the situation of no being able to be together better than I do. The circumstances that have prevented us meeting despite our best efforts are almost comical.
Some things just aren’t meant to be, at least not yet.
The belief that he’s the one has made it hard for me to establish other connections. On his side, he says he wants to love people, even if it will end up hurting him. I know he’s not waiting for me.
I SEnt him a postcard, and he emailed me right away to say thank you.
I wonder if he will send one back.
There’s a package waiting for me I haven’t been able o pick up yet. Not sure if it’s from Amazon or my mom. Every day I check the mail hoping he sent me something, since I gave him my address.
Sometimes I almost don’t trust him, to be good to me and be my friend and especially not to shut me out if there’s another girl in his life. We have both tried to move on.
It was important for me to write this before finding out what that package is, and before having received something from him.
Because the truth is, I have to let him go, and I do, bit by bit. he becomes a dear and intimate friend. I Can’t love him anymore if he won’t let me. And I have so much love to give.
I know that we weren’t ready the last time we met. And maybe someday we will meet in the future.
I thought, o maybe, I just need another big strong American man like him. Maybe I should go back to the scene of the crime, where he now lives. Which is my first favorite city in America, and is almost equally tied with my current city, Paris. It might be a better city to live whereas Paris might be better for an extended visit. In any event, like me, he’d like to live abroad…
I haven’t met anyone I liked half as much as I liked him yet. Or rather, I haven’t met anyone I feel as intimate with on that deeper level. I honestly don’t think he’s the cutest guy I’ve ever been with, though I prefer his beefcake body type best. We might well be compatible on every level, and see the world in pretty much the same way.
But he’s not here right now, and I deserve love in this moment. I do want love to be a grand adventure in my life, and I have crafted a beautiful story with him.
It hurts, it makes me sad and tired, but I just have to let him go. God always has something better in mind than what we had. And maybe when we meet again, things will be different.
In the meantime, I’m lucky to have a friend I feel such a strong karmic link to who understands me well. Today I did something nearly unprecedented for me- I published the previous blog post as a Facebook note, allowing pretty much everyone I know to see it.
I sent it to him first, don’t know when he will read it or how he will respond. Sometimes I think I leave him at a loss.
Sometimes I just want him to tell me what to do and come rescue me, or compel me to come to him. Mostly I want him to worry about me, and save me when I’m feeling down. I don’t know if he just doesn’t always, can’t always care, or perhaps-
“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”
~ Anais Nin
I don’t know.
A part of me does know, and I love him not only for himself but for the fact that some part of me believes his hand is mine to hold.
But for now, I have to let go of it- mind, body, and spirit, leaving the memories, but, remembering-
Some of the best days of our lives haven’t happened yet.
My heart will go on and on…
He says, “If I had a family like yours, I would never want to leave.”
I should never want to leave. As I’ve long suspected, my love of travel is some sort of psychosis, a fear of commitment, something that shows I’m maladjusted and warped.
He says, “If I could get a job in NYC, I would never go back to Paris.”
What is wrong with me? My parents live within commuting distance of New York but I LOVE PARIS AND IT IS MY DEEPEST DESIRE TO LIVE THERE!
He loves sports.
I’m abnormal, since the last thing I would do is watch sports. But hey, I can read a book on the couch while he watches, right?
He loves dogs.
Yeah, I know there’s something wrong with me that I’m not obsessed with pets. Liking babies more and not really being interested in pets that much is just a sign I’m a little too Holly Homemaker and not cool and chill and happy with a pet.
He has douchebag friends and seems popular.
I’m just not cool enough. I know he secretly digs my inspirational quotes on Facebook but I should be more like him and actually fit in with people.
He plays games and doesn’t always respond to my texts and other messages.
Yeah, I know I’m overeager. I should have just played “The Rules,” like Mom said and let him text me first. I should be the woman in the relationship. Why is he the one all hot and cold?
He doesn’t make plans.
Yeah, I should just care less and be more of a free spirit.
He won’t commit to just being with me during the time that I’m in his life, aka on the same continent.
Yeah, if I were in his position I’d want to keep my options open too. And yeah, it seems like I’m the only one and that’s what he says. Who am I to stop him if he meets the One and I’m still hanging around…..
He won’t break his plans to go to the gym in order to meet me when I’m in town, though we haven’t seen each other in 2.5 years.
Okay, I guess this one sounds a little psychotic. I thought he was the one and tried to maintain a close connection. We tried to make plans but it wasn’t in the cards. Because he wouldn’t give up a day at the gym. FACEPALM. This was my wakeup call moment.
He goes to the gym all the time and berates me for drinking diet soda.
Yeah, I know, I should be healthier, I should hate on myself too for being imperfect..
He shames me for being overweight.
I deserve it, don’t I? I’m in the wrong here, why should he be anything less than honest? I am beneath him since I’m not in the best of shape and he is a lot more dedicated to fitness.
He tells me I like sex too much.
Maybe I do…If a guy’s telling me that, maybe there is something wrong with me…
He eats less than me and tells me I eat too much.
Well, maybe he’s kind of right, he’s just trying to motivate me- I should be more like him.
He doesn’t go out of his way for me.
I should be more independent too.
He uses silence to tell me he’s just not into me while keeping the door open.
Damn, I should be the woman in the relationship. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I play that game.
*These scenarios come from different dudes at different times, though there are some that are sadly common across all of them*
This is why I am single. Not because I am some horrifically unattractive mannish troll, not because I lack communication skills, not because of some bad ex experience or family issues or whatever.
It just comes down to a plain old lack of self acceptance.
There’s nothing wrong with me. If you are wondering from the comments, I am technically overweight but I am healthy and physically active. I gained weight due to emotional eating and am well on my way back to my happiness and my happy weight.
I’ve made the same “mistakes,” over and over again. With different guys in different times.
I’ve continued to throw myself at people who don’t care for me.
Why? because I thought there was something wrong with myself.
But no more. That ends now.
Today is the day that I get picky, that I don’t need to protect myself from emotional harm by closing myself off entirely. Today is the day I say yes to all the possibilities in the universe and take the first step on the staircase even though I don’t know where it will take me.
When I met someone who I loved but who is no longer right from me, I told him that I said yes to him and yes to life.
Well, today I say yes to myself.
And everyday hereafter.
Love starts from within.
And I will follow my path, no matter how far it seems to take me from where I think I will meet Mr Right. Because Mr Right is there somewhere on the path.
I will say yes to romances along the way, knowing that each day I’m getting a little closer.
Today, I am going to stop needing to prove myself to those people who sounded so much like the voices inside my head.
I’m going to stop trying to people please my way into someone’s heart that just isn’t into me and make myself open to receive love, pleasure, kindness, and generosity.
Today is the day I stop chasing what’s wrong and closing off the flow of life with all the “should” s that were never mine in the first place.
Today is the day I blocked a person who I thought I would marry because he didn’t take an active role in our friendship. Today is the day I reached out to someone who had kept saying he would call but hasn’t and that didn’t even prompt a conversation, and I give up on this disappointment and let him go.
may have heard the saying before, but talking about life with one of my best friends today, it took on a whole new meaning.
He said I need to accept the periods in my life- particularly with my relationships.
He said love is like emotional tennis, but obsession is like one person passing one ball and the other hanging on to it.
I’ve been the one hanging on to it.
There’s no need to be delusional about what’s gone because I have no idea how things might come to me in the future.
There’s no need to hang on to illusions and keep holding on to fantasies that don’t come true- that’s just stopping me from achieving my real dreams.
So yes, I might just want to cuddle.
But I can’t go back to the past.
I can smile in remembrance, but I can’t try to make it happen again.
If it was meant to be, I’d already be there now.
Life gets in the way- well that is life, and it happens for a reason.
My choices are taking me away from people I have loved.
I don’t have the same friends I did before, and my perspective has shifted immeasurably.
And I’m going to go even farther, where my dreams call me, my soul calls me, in a direction that seems so far from home, and that might change what home means to me.
THe love from the people who are really going to always be forever friends and family will always be there.
And there are people that pass in and out of our lives, but that doesn’t make their part of the journey less special.
And to ignore those feelings that told me, even when I was some of those people, that it wasn’t going to be forever, that we weren’t really in sync, is a disservice to all involve.
There was nothing wrong with the fact that it ended. The choices that I made that caused to it end weren’t wrong. If it was meant to be, it would have been.
And the only way to be free is to let go.
Those circumstances were there for a reason. It was a period- the fact that it felt out of my control doesn’t turn it into a question mark.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.