Getting What You Want Won’t Make You Happy, Unless You LET Yourself Be Happy!

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Really.

I think that’s how I can some up, wel, maybe the last two years.

I wanted to do business school, and get a scholarship to go.

I did it, and I second guessed myself 90% of the way.

I wanted a job, and sometimes I say I see no meaning or purpose to what I do.

Most of all, I wanted to come to Paris mroe than anything, I came here, and I was still miserable.

Maybe not as miserable as before, but still deep in the merde and fog of depression.

Things didn’t seem to go right, even though I had followed my heart- even doing so through pragmatic means, so there was no real reason to fret- both reason and passion should have been satisfied.

But no, I continued my excessive and self destructive and self sabotaging behavior, although perhaps less than before for some things.

I stayed in the fog, felt guilty for being ungrateful and unhappy, ad beat myself up every time a challenge occurred, blaming myself for it all and scorning myself for not having taken an easier- or suposedly easier- path.

In other words, I had everything and more to be happy- nothng at all reallyto complain about- but I still found reasons to complain.

It wasn’t perfect, but it was what I wanted- and I didn’t really want to change it and did nothing to that effect- but I still was not happy.

With every tangible success, with every proof there’s more to me than I thought, with every time I have courage to go for what I really want and face the unknown, with every truly roaring success story that I can only see as a failure in some twisted way, I have faced ever greater resistance.

At one point it was subconscious, but now it’s come out of hiding for what it is- just another form of the inner critic, ego at its worst.

It’s the voice that says, you are a horrible person for not going to the gym.

It’s also the voice that says, it is gonna suck if you go to the gym, you are so out of shape, you’ll be falling behind, you deserve the shame and humiliation.

It is the voice that says, if things were right and you hadn’t fucked up your life you would have no problem going to the gym.

ANd it’s the voice that will say, look I told you so, it’s already been proven before, you have no willpower and you are a failure at everything that matters.

And it gets worse- look at you wasting your most fertile beautiful years being fat, how do you ever expect to meet someone decent looking the way you do? Your stock is going down.

And when I do meet someone who likes me as I am, they are inevitably not good enough for me some how, not compatible, or really the guy is just lying.

So yeah, there are many ups and downs of living in Paris, but it’s nothing compared to the rollercoaster inside my head.

I’m a bit lost and struggling.

My sense is that I just have to push harder, but the more I push thinking the only way to justify myself is to achieve to prove the voice wrong, I’m not sure if it’s just another form of strengthening the voice.

Can’t I just heal, and do things that are good out of love for myself, and not needing to prove something?

Can’t I just be happy, and be motivated positively instead of always thinking I”m not enough?

Can I learn to achieve without hating myself into it?

Can I be happy even when I haven’t made it to the top?

Will I ever be satisfied?

Can I ever just be happy for myself and proud once in a while?

I am getting there, and I think it’s possible. :)

Home Sweet Home

So I have moved, and, been offered a full time permanent position, which would enable me to stay in France indefinitely.

I just got wifi today.

And I feel really happy, and like I belong, and at home.

There have been some tough moments lately.

Yesterday I was tempted to walk away, when faced with a small problem that was actually easily solved. And later on in the day I had an incredible evening at a book signing with the guy who wrote the book “A Year in the Merde” and many others about anglophone impressions of France.

And most of my problems, after all, while they can be aggravated by France, are mostly linked to growing up, and struggling with existential depression/being overly self critical and judgmental/general negativity.

I’ve realized most of my bad habits are actually about self hatred when it comes down to it- not feeling an inherent self worth, I feel an enormous pressure to succeed at the usually unrealistic goals I set for myself. But then when I”m feeling sad or mad especiall, or I go and compare myself to other people, or somethign happens ot pique my self hatred, or really just habitually, I will do the opposite of the thing I know is good for me, which will give me the guilt/shame high that I need to perpetuate the cycle. ANd then I will nurse those feelings in unhealthy ways, and then hate myself more.

I feel like I’ve done this from a young age. I would like to exorcise the self hatred which would also require letting go of control of my life in a big way and not being a perfectionist.

In general I’ve got pretty ogood gig and I want to just go with the flow.

Sometimes it’s the thins that you weren’t supposed to fall in love with that make you the most happy, no matter how hard you try and fight it.

And sometimes misery is just so comfortable, and self criticism is such an ingrained habit, that we waste very precious and special moments of our lives just to gratify the self hating ego.

WHich is the only real mistake you can make, becausyou are depriving yourself of experiencing life.

And that’s the only thing thatwe can’t in the end get more of.

I finally have come home- it just wasn’t on the same side of the ocean as I intended.

And that’s finally ok.

The Journey to Wholeness

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“You are never farther than when you don’t know where you are going.”

THe past few years have been really tough, but I’ve gotten to a point where I have accepted the place of not knowing. so much of my life was spent chasing after illusory certainty; in the form of achievement, co-dependent relationships, and trying to fit an ideal of beauty, goodness, correctness.

Though I met with uncommon success in many endeavors, I never really felt happier than I have at some of the lowest moments, when I just relaxed and prayed and smiled at the fact it was such a beautiful day. Or just the peace and joy of being alive, although growth often means following rocky roads. I have grown exponentially, I have shed misguided paradigms and let go of neuroses: coming to a point of realization, beyond jadedness and cynicism, to this; this is it, and reality- including the real me- is enough.

There was perhaps no more vicious battleground in the conquest of success to wipe away the constant feeling of shame and unworthiness than my body. I truly believed I had to have a certain body to be worthy of love, and to call myself a successful person. Recently I have rebelled against this idea, and gone to the extreme of sensual abandon and gluttony- but overindulgence is just another form of the same disease as self-starvation. I really can’t remember any moments in my life, except recently, where I felt perfectly at home in my body and happy with it. WOrking out helped me embrace my power, as well as beauty, and my sexuality helped me turn inwards to appreciate all that I am capable of experiencing in this form. The admiring, accepting, non-judgmental eyes of men were incredibly therapeutic to be quite frank. And seeing other women with similar forms as beautiful in the “embrace your curves” campaigns has been really helpful as well. Incredibly, even when I was losing weight and quite healthy without making any real effort to watch my weight, I still didn’t really feel happy with myself and mourned the fact that no matter what I did, I would always e “too big”- never a size 0 or 2 or even a 6 or 8, never tiny and petite and delicate, never willowy or really slender. And eventually I turned to food in times of stress, since I never really felt good anyway, and gained quite a bit of weight. Through the grace of god, this weight has shown me what unconditional love people have for me- that I don’t have to be perfect, or striving to be, that even if I fall of the wagon for a moment or even if I stop off of it entirely, there are still things about me to be proud of, and there’s ultimately nothing wrong with me. And it’s in this body, with more than a little extra, that I could love myself as I am, that I could love the so-called imperfections, that I could be not just slightly rebelliously overweight, but just cheerily thick and plump. I htink in the beginning it was partially to draw attention to my inner suffering, and to ward off men, and in away to express how unlovable I felt on the inside and how much I feared my own deep desires. Now it feels more like a much beloved home that I have neglected a bit, and I feel like I am finally able ot focus on being healthy instead of only being healthy in order to be thin. I htink I can finally do good for myself without being motivated by shame that I”m not good enough as I am or that there is something inherently wrong with me and I need to fix myself.  I don’t even need to be striving for the perfect body; I can just take care of myself- out of love, never shame.

So yeah, I’m feeling good.

Pretty much for the first time in my life.

In terms of going to business school, where I put on most of said weight and generally suffered a lot on the inside, even though on the outside things seemed to be going really well, I just realized the depth of the friends that I formed, and that alone was worth something- a lot actually. I found a career that I like, that I never would have imagined doing, that was never my plan, but works for me and lets me live a life I love right now. ANd to be honest, I really like my job most of the time. Leadership, communication, travel, cross-cultural stuff are my passions, and I get all of that in my current career. I have changed a lot, but in general it’s for the better. I do miss teaching at times and I would like to be some kind of freelance writer, but those things will come with time I think. And whatever I do in the future, even if it has nothing to do with business, I’m learning life lessons and how to work with people, which will be valuable my whole life. Plus, it helps me stay in France, and French is a really passion for me.

SOme days I feel closer to being able to put my finger on why. I am very articulate in giving a brekadown of what doenst work here, whereas what does work is much more difficult to put in the words. Suffice it to say I’m happy here for the moment, and that is enough. ANd I am learning and growing a lot.

For my love life, I feel much more like a complete person already, which is great. I feel less and less ned of love, though more and more want of it. But I realize it will be an exhilarating and terrifying at times new adventure. I am getting used to the idea that with the right person, I won’t be held back but rather lifted to the sky; and I am also more open to who that right person might be and how he may come to me. I don’t think real love is the clingy, saccharine, linear,well-defined thing I learned about in films and movies and even in the supposed parable of my own parent’s marriage. And I feel more and more confidence that it will come in it own time, when I am busy making other plans- although maybe I will leave a bit of room in them. At this point though there are still miles of things left to do on my bucket list, and I am not always the person I would like to be, I am a pretty awesome work in progress and whole as I am. Maybe in the future I”ll look back and say, wow, I didn’t know shit back then. But at the moment, I feel calmness and relief and spaciousness and peace like I didn’t ever really know before. ANd I think if someone wanted oto come share some of that space now, it would be ok.

ANd I hope he will stay forever and our paths will never part, but I know I will be ok without him if it comes to that. I don’t think true love is about fear of losing someone as much as it is what you gain by loving them, and letting yourself be loved. Love is powerful stuff and if you let someone love you, it certainly will change your life.

My perfect man is probably not a Catholic, white American like the cheese, slightly right wing, adorably in touch with his feminine side, Notebook-loving Marine turned economist anymore. Especially not when that person is not really open to giving and receiving love, and the timing is not right, let alone all the other ways in which the person may be great in theory but in practice probably couldn’t love me the way that I want to be loved. Who would love like a settling down but not necessarily an adventure, who is not necessarily able to put more out there and risk more than he has to give. My true love is not someone I have save, or teach, or make excuses for, but he may not match up to the fantasies of my fragile ego and will belong to the path I am actually on, and not the road not taken, that I always thought I would take by default.

No, maybe my lover is a true man like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-tW0CkvdDI

incredibly masculine and proud and strong and beautiful, though maybe not muscle bound and straight-edge.

ON an even deeper level, I’d say my vision of God him/herself has changed too. I continue to practice as a Catholic and even participate in special prayer novenas, but I definitely don’t take the pope as God’s representative on earth and instead of calling myself a progressive Catholic on the edges of the community and posessed of the most genuine spirit of Catholicism and not the anti-body, neo-Platonic bs, I’d say that my walk towards GOd, while enriched by my Catholic community, is more of an individual path through the twists and turns of my life more so than the institutional CHurch. I would still want to baptise my baby and probably celebrate my marriage in a church, but I know that churches are there for men and not for GOd, GOd does not need the big beautiful building but we so often do. ANd it’s beautiful and in service to God, so there’s nothing wrong with it, but there’s also nothing wrong with realizing He really is everywhere and in everything. I haven’t really worked it out yet and I don’t expect to. I want very sincerely to please God and I hope I am corrected if it is obstinacy and not genuine understanding that makes me take space from the church, but at this time I remember the spiritual courage of all those once excluded by the church now revered as saints and I feel that that is also a way to God, and quite possibly a truer one.

So my understanding of God, life, love, and even having a body, has expanded considerably. I no longer have a goal or welldefined ideal; I’m not even trying to define one. But what I do have is a direction, and the whisper of my heart, and the lapping of the oars against the water as I row further and further away from the shore, not really sure of where I am going, but ever more sure of the Way.

~

I am actually about to move to a new apartment and won’t have internet there for a few weeks. i’m also going to morocco and very excited about that. I”m not really sure about whether I’ll start up the blog again, this seems as beautiful an ending to a tumultuous and incredible time in my life that prompted me to write the blog as any.  So maybe I will see you again, and maybe I wont; or perhaps it will be in another form.

In any event, please know that your support has been incredibly transformative for me. You have been a big part of the path and I want to thank every one of you who read even just one time. I hope I’ve been able to give you something as well.

God bless you and namaste.

MJ

Silence is a good sign!

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I feel like I have less to say and think, and more that I am just accepting.

I’ve been tortured over whether to stay or go, but I know I”m going to stay, and I’ll find a way to make it financially viable.

I’ve found my voice, and learned to listen to my heart, so while I will deal with practical matters, I won’t let greed or ambition or social pressure drown out my inner voice.

Most of all, I won’t let my need for achievement crowd out my happiness in the moment. I will let myself feel happy no matter how “imperfect,” I may be or how far I have strayed from the plan.

I will let myself find my center, and my bottom, and feel my bottomless ego driven desires fulfilled by something deeper and more spiritual.

I will let myself love France, and Paris.

I will even let myself love my corporate job. I’m not working for the man; I’m working for me.

ANd most of all, I will open my heart to love in all its forms. Even if it doesn’t come the way I expected, even if it doesn’t fit the checklist, I will receive the person who fills my HEART with JOY and my soul wih Rapture, and I will let this person into my life and give him a place to stay, permanently.

I will let myself commit.

I will let myself folow God’s path for me an dnot the one that I planned on.

I will let myself love life.

I will stop striving for any outside ideal of perfection.

I won’t put off being happy.

I won’t be fooled into thinking that things or achievements are what life is about.

I will find my meaning in discovery, in giving, in learning and leading, and teaching, and most of all in loving.

I will finally let me love myself.

I will throw away the checklist I had for myself, asking only that I b happy, healthy, truly wealthy, loved, in love, loving, kind, and wise- to be radiant, inside and out.

I am so grateful, and so ready for more good things no matter how far they take me off course! Life is for living.  I’m glad I finally get that.

Truly I am better off than a mere billionaire= while I am open ot change in my life, at this moment I am really, truly, happy an dI have the grace to know it.

I pray the same for you.

Namaste,

MJ

A Time to Write

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So I haven’t been writing as much in the past couple of weeks and I think that’s for two main reasons

1) Have been trying to listen rather than speak

2) Have been trying to feel instead of think.

Instead of having long and convoluted thoughts about the universe I needed to share or honestly just things to complain and wonder about, I’ve been out there living life and most importantly, trying to get in touch with my deep self and wondering why things aren’t going in the direction I wanted.  And things have been a little stressful in general.

I also don’t have so many certainties to share. There’s no one in my life that I’m convinced is the one or am completely blown away by. I do have a friend that maybe will one day be more than a friend, and thinking of him feels me with something quiet, soft, and sweet. It’s a subtle feeling that seems private and probably more genuine, and the thing is, he’s real- and as such doesn’t meet all of my sometimes silly expectations, and perhaps even more scarily, he’s a real person in my life who is accessible and kind and seems to want to be a constant figure in my life. He’s left Paris physically, but as a presence in my life he does not seem to be going anywhere. ANd this is someone I have told some deep dark secrets too, who has seen me as I am. Regardless of what he outcome might be, he is a healing positive presence, he is not an opium dream I”vebecome addicted to, and did I mention? He’s not a dream, he’s real.

It seems as though letting go of expectations is a huge theme in my life right now. I was hoping that things would work so I could stay at my job and get a big bump in salary and that I would know by April. I am really happy with the people I work with and the content of my job has gotten more and more interesting, but as it turns out my beloved manager may be leaving.  And who knows what may happen but the big salary bump seems less and less likely, a permanent job is not entirely ruled out but does not seem like a strong possibility, and I may have to take a significant amount of time- say 4 months- between contracts for legal reasons- which woud more than negate any small bump in salary. Although when I first heard about it, it didn’t seem so bad, just a big challenge to save up for and a good opportunity to travel.  Actually it did seem bad. ANd it’s really challenging not to compare myself to others and feel I deserve better, not to mention it is increasingly painful to think of th salary I am foregoing and theadditional taxes I am paying by staying here.

ANd yet…

I walked around Paris and had a moment of clarity. FOr me clarity and really listening to myself is not always easy. I tend to process the outside world and ask everyone for advice and just do anything besides admit to my subjective well being. I want to be good, I want to be the best, I want to be successful, I odn’t want to be lacking in any area, Iwant to be outstanding, and I want to feel good enough. It’s a feling I have struggled for for a long time, and the moment where I feel like I’ve made it seems elusive. And there are so many metrics in which I am not “winning,” at this particular moment. I fel like I fucked up and everyone else is doing better than me, is more mature, more realistic, less silly and romantic, more responsible.

And then I saw the sunset.

I realized that I have made it- I have been living a childhood dream. For reasons beyond my comprehension ever since I was a child I wanted to speak French fluently, and I do.

MOre than that, though my love affair with Paris was anything but a coup de foudre “at first sight,” I do love it. WHy? Because it’s beatiful ad charming and yes, romantic. America is my country, but France is my home.

There are many good things that have happened to me, and sharing a special moment with friends and many things that could have happened anywhere, but there are those moments walking into the sunset where I know I am right where I am supposed to be, and I love it even if I don’t always understand why. I am committed, and with commitment things begin to work when you do.

And it’s a waste of my life, of my time and energy and mental health, asking why do I feel this way, why do I have to feel this way, why can’t I be an automaton just seeking the most optimal, self interested linear path to my goals. But whatever else I have not accomplished, I have followed my dream and even better, achieved it which is not given to everyone. My heart is teaching me to be happy if I’ll just listen and let go of things that don’t really matter that much in the end. Because in general, I love my life. This is it. There’s no lack of authenticity, no lack of heart. The ups and downs of life are quite real, and I am completely real here, as I am living my dream and creating a life.

I don’t know if I’ll stay in Paris forever of course, but with Paris and France in general I htink it’s a place I’ll always want to go back to. Yes, I am spending very formative years here and that is embuing everything with a certain primordial fondness, but I chose to. Despite many obstacles. And that says a lot.

So I’m asically at a point where I need to accept and be grateful for my subjective well being, my true wealth, and let the objective measures take care of themselves and be patient. There is no one to compare to when you are living your own truest life.

And to really do that with an open heart, I have to let go of my expectations, which are just a huge burden. I have to find happiness and peace and self worth within.

And I need to just face my problems, say a prayer, and do my best. NO one can ask me for anything more, and many things are really not in my control.

But I”m happy that I am doing what I think is the most important thing in life, and that is making the msot of the time that’s given to you.

I don’t have any answers or slutions or plans to make any big changes now, no grnad conclusions except to share the whispering of my heart: You are home.

Namaste,

MJ

Space, Commitment, and Freedom

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It’s one thing to know what you want, it’s another to create or attract it. But the very act of naming it is a first step. Having had as many miracles as I”ve had in my life, I know there’s a lot just to saying a little prayer and wishing on a star.

But there is of course more to it than that, and not just brute force effort.

We have to create the space for that change to happen.

In my case, that will probably mean waking up earlier every day to write, every day, even if it’s just a small amount.

ANd in terms of attracting love, I need to have my own life uncluttered in order to make room for someone new.

It’s quite real, this feeling of wanting something real and solid, not just an ethereal rainbow you try in vain to hold in your hand, but the solid gem your finger, a new part of you as permanently etched as a tattoo, that throws the light on the walls.

Someone to hold in your arms, someone to make plans with, someone to eat with- that’s what I”m looking for.

I don’t need a platonic image, something so perfect it can’t survive, a bit of lightning that strikes once and never again, lighting up everything around it for a brief moment only to cede abruptly to the dark of night.

Not an image of what could have been, or what should be; not someone to demand approval from, not someone from the life I thought I was supposed to lead.  Someone to free me instead of domestic me; someone to tousle my hair instead of straighten it; someone to love me, 20 extra pounds or not.  Someone who doesn’t provide a real incentive to change, but encourages me to be more of who I am.

Someone who I look forward to giving and receiving daily acts of kindness with, and not just grand romantic gestures of high romance.

A commitment that will make me freer to do the things I really want to do, because I’ll have someone to encourage the best in me and whose vision of life will make mine richer.

The Meaning of Life- Part Infinity

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The second you realize writing is one of the most important things n your life, and actually the main thing you’d like to do with it, the blank page gets a lot scarier.

It was much easier to hide behind this being a hobby and thinking my day job was my real raison d’etre.

But really, my day job is what gives me material and perspective. I still have a lot to learn.

After only a year in business, I”m pretty sure that it’s really not for me. Funny how I also had this feeling all throughout grad school. But when I asked myself the question, if not this, what else? I had a pretty blank response except something about teaching.

But what would I teach? that’s always been the baffling part. Maybe I will be a business professor someday, but ultimately I”m happy for this time I”m working on geting mastery in something and exposure to a whole new world. I have the best day job in the world. It definitely aligns with my purpose and has helped me to discover it more and more.  Just because it may not be the ultimate vehicle doesn’t mean it’s bad in any way.

But the truth is, I have felt like what I am doing is a little empty. I enjoy succeeding and being a fly on the wall to observe everything. I”m learning a lot. But when I picture success, it’s not necesarily the corner office- or at least not that alone.

Success for me is having freedom in terms of both time and money. And mostly, just doing things I actually want to do with my life. SO the boring and difficult things feel like they are going towards something I really care about, in addition to paying the bills and providing a distraction outside of work.

I can’t be too tough on myself- another lesson from this year. Perfection is for amateurs playing video games- making mistakes is for warriors making life or death decisions.  Life during my schooling was pretty easy in the sense that you just had to folow the rules exert a little bit of effort and pass go, hopefully winning a little medal or something. And everyone got a door prize. Now, I also feel like I”m in high schoool. To a large extent, I have greater autonomy than I did, but my time is very structured and while it is probably good for me at this point, I know that this is a skin I am growing out of. I haven’t learned all it has to teach me yet, and for the moment I like my job and it’s all quite bearable, but you know the way you boil a frog is by raising the temperature a little at a time.  And despite my “bonne eleve,” type A tendencies, I have made some mistakes and failed to plan in a big way. I find it really hard to muster the discipline to order my life outside of work, and I feel like work really drains me.

Now I know work really drains everyone and adult life is hard, but I want something better for myself. Something a little lighter.

A little more woo woo and fluffy for some.

But once when I thought of success, I thought of a big beautiful house in the country, writing/teaching/researchin ga few hours per day, and spending the rest of the time in wonder, and with my family.

NoW I think maybe I”ll ahve that house in the country, or a big apartment in Paris waiting for me, but that lifewill involve many quests, many adventures.  And the itchy feet will always lead me home.

But home is where the heart is. It is not always where my family is physically located.

It is France, though it is also being home home with my family for Christmas.

It is that guy that I may or may not have met yet, the person who really knows me and loves me and accepts me.

And maybe someday it will b the pitter patter of little feet, an extension of myself yet completely separate, completely their own personalities.

Maybe the point of the journey is not to get all that you always wanted at the end. The purpose is not even to help you set a goal- to to define exactly what you want, in minute detail, so you can make it a reality sheer force. Maybe it’s more about being open to all that life can bring.

Maybe it’s a love of life that transcends everything, just a giant, blanketing, pervasive love that goes beyond countries, religions, mountains, oceans, continents, languages, from philosophy to accounting and back again.

And beyond bestowing any skill or material resource, the fruit of the quest is the courage to just keep going, over and over, to keep scaling that hilltop to see the sun rise, to see the sun set. Knowing it will do the same tomorrow, and yet being grateful and amazed to see it one more time.  To love this day, even though it will never come again.

~

Finally, we kill the buddha. We let go of the biggest of all illusions- that there is somewhere to get to, that we are ever anything other than cosmic children, swinging on stars.  There is no where to get to. There is no where to go back to. There is no real forward or back, only now. And each now will have its blessings and sorrows. There will be moments of great triumph, there will be treasures found and unburied and taken home.  But every ending is another beginning. And to ask for a new beginning, you must accept an ending.

So in the time that remains to us, though life is never really lost, living- with enough vulnerability to miss the sun when it sets at night and enough courage to venture out into the darkness to see the stars-is the power and the glory, from now till kingdom come.

The Frog Prince

I often make the joke that maybe I will someday meet my “frog prince,” aka a French Prince Charming. I have kissed a few, or so, and so far none has transformed into the man of my dreams.

Some versions of the original Frog Prince

http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-stories/UBooks/FrogPrin.shtml

http://www.surlalunefairytales.com/frogking/index.html

Apparently the kissing the frog part wasn’t added until modern times.

But then, the joke is really on me because the story of the Frog Prince is about seeing beyond appearances and us vs them. It’s not really a story about a princess making the frog transform, it’s about the frog helping the princess grow (and relying on her to help him become his true self).

I have been the spoiled princess. And there have been times I have been so focused on trying to find my own true love, in the only way I could imagine he could show up, that I may have been blind to other possibilities.

And yes, maybe a frog could be my one true love. In general, I do rather like/LOVE France.

I like the older version of the story. It’s not the kiss, it’s the intimacy that helps break the spell. Which was in no way the prince’s fault.

And maybe I just need to realize that there is more to people than what it seems on the surface, and see the beauty within no matter how unexpected the form my true love takes.

Namaste,

MJ

Why I am still single, overweight, and struggling Part Eleventy billion

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So I was consoling myself from a minor but chronic complaint I don’t want to disclose on the interwebs. Nothing life threatening, nothing painful, just annoying and embarassing. The stuff of life we try to say is our own fault but is also part of just rolling the dice.  (Or maybe it’s just the fact that everybody is getting married and I haven’t been on a decent first date in forever and it seems the pool of people I could potentially have an interest in shrinks every moment and that right person is probably on another goddamn continent, if he exists at all.) I’m sure something comes to your mind- be it credit card debt, a washing machine that leaks, that guy next door that coughs every morning, that touch of a cold you just can’t seem to shake you probably got from being out too late and drinking too much and now you can’t seem to get through a conversation ithout having to blow your nose though you aren’t quite sick enough to stay at home–

so let’s get to the reasons

1) because sometimes when you spin the wheel of fortune, you lose.

For all the encouragement to take risks and all the exhortations to be bold, it still hurts to lose. And every once in a while, every body does. No one is immune to the whims of fate.  Whether good or bad, it could happen to you.  You can help work towards good things and help protect against bad, but ultimately a lot of what happens to us is outside of our control. ANd most of the good things in life carry a risk of some amount of bad things, or are bad in themselves in excess.

And some people find the right person in college, and now find their engagement so likely as not to be worth posting about on facebook.

and others, often the best people, don’t go on areal date until they have gotten their first job.

kissing frogs is tough.

kissing toads is worse.

and we can beat ourselves up every day about not knowing which way it would go from the beginning, and it’s true that sometimes we ignore the little voice, but sometimes you have to live and learn.

Sometimes you go to the ball and come home with a sprained ankle and didn’t get a chance to dance. But at least you were there, and you’ve licked your wounds to be able to fight another day.  Once you learn how to fight that is.

2) you are so used to your solitay, comfortless, comfort eating mindless self indulgence ritual that you are too numb and dull to actually connect with the present moment and too damn chickenshit to actually feel your pain.

it’s to simple to just let the tape keep rolling and go through the routine.

sometimes life hits so hard or just stings so bad that it feels like you need that routine. Pussy. maybe you do.

and you hope that maybe one day, the conveyor belt will stop rolling, the director will yell cut, and like lucy you can stop stuffing those bon bons away to any part of you you can reach.

the problem is, you are the director.

but see #1. you can to a certain extend control your actions, but remember you’ll never really be in control.

and those bon bons are just weighing you down.

but you are human.

And for this too, you need to forgive yourself.

Although you will always be stuck on the wheel…

3) being human sucks.

it does really. we have the capacity for great joy and great suffering. we often suffer. suffering is often the motor of positive change. its a hard knocks life.

4) you just won’t open up. you won’t open up your mind to new ways of thinking. you won’t open your heart to the person you’d least expect but who will be your best and truest friend. You will continue to fantasize about the unavailable person who doesn’t love you but fits your bill while you will turn away empty all those who sought to win your love honestly.

you won’t give up on the dream you had as a child, even if it doesn’t bring you joy anymore. you won’t drop the job that you din’t like, because you are too busy trying to excel. you won’t stop telling yourself, it would be different if X, this is not my real life, and you just dig your heels into a fantasy world of perfection making the real world just get farther and farther away.

life will just keep breaking your heart until it opens…

and then you will think you know something, and it will break your heart some more.

5) and you just won’t get over that one fucker who broke your heart. or the dog who died, taking a piece of you with him. You won’t get over the race you didn’t win in elementary school that wrecked your hopes of an Olympic medal. YOu won’t let go what’s gone, and you are afraid to reach for anything new because it may not last either. ANd you know what, it will probably hurt even worse than before because you will be wondering why the fuck you gave it a chance, you should have known better, it was all your fault, but they’re all the same.

get used to it. impermanence is a thing.

and until youaccept that pain, until you realize there’s nothing you can do to escape but to live in the shadows of a half lived life, and not even that works too well, you can move forward and stop bitching and maybe make something. it might last, it might not, you can win or you canlose. But stop being a loser and get in the game.

6) you look in the mirror, and you don’t like what you see.

Change it. Well you can’t change everything. So yeah change it but…

love yourself now. Life is too short. ANd that’s the only key to real change anyhow.

You wil never feel the love from the world if you can’t feel it inyourself.

So man up.

Lucky 7) It’s not your time. time waits for no man, but you can’t hurry love. accept where you are in this moment. struggling isn’t going to chance it. So just be where you are, and breathe.

That’s a second that’s already gone, taking you somewhere you’ve never been, and that breath will never be again.

Let go.

Namaste,

MJ

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