I feel like i’m coming home to myself after a long long time. I’m in my near to Paris apartment of which I am the proud owner with my kitty, a very sweet girl cat, and I feel the possibility waiting to burst through the mists of interbeing.

I’ve spent the past few months travelling and wondering if Paris was still my place- it is for now, unless love brings me someplace else, but I do want to stay in France with all my soul, and have ready access to Paris. That is my wish.

Instead of 25 like when a lot of this blog was written I’m 35. I spent a few hours reading old entries and yes, I’m really the same person, jus tmore things are fleshed out and concrete about me. More of my intenstions have come into material form.

The husband and child(ren) have not yet, and I am awaiting them with rather bated breath but a lot of faith. Doing my part and letting God do the rest.

I am also waiting in stillness for my next job. I did leave the big steady stable corporate job for the unknown, when the corporate job literally was killin gme with a thousand different cuts, hard to say which one would have been the most likely to be fatal. But I left.

I left and I thought I had the material stability part figured out anyway but oops, I did not read some dotted lines and it would be truly helpful for me to bring money in. After a decade of learning independence to a fault, I’m now learning interdependence and to lean on people when I need it. And not to hate myself for it.

I am not with the man I loved so much, I don’t think too much of that love was illusion but a lot of the promise of our relationship was never fulfilled. In my story, he left me alone, cold, and naked feeling, totally bereft. Reconstructing myself after that loss, even if it wasn’t really a loss in terms of what the relaitonship actually was at that time, has been a big, big work.

I think this is probably one of the biggest lessons I’ve come to life on earth to learn. It feels like one of the biggest challenges of a lifetime.

And I tried to do my coaching business, but by try I mean mostly focus on general self recovery and travel and take clients as they came. It was my highest capacity at the time, and I deserved and needed some indolence. I really hate not having a stable income, so I’m not sure that the coaching business is for me right now. And I miss having colleagues, who better to potentially fall in love with.

I miss my old life in some ways, yet I don’t want to go back to exactly that. I have been practicing the pause, studying the actions and courses available to me, and learning to trust the inner voice and my sacred NO, and as always, let go and let God.

Just today I feel myself, especially reading and writing these blogs but not only, fully at home in who I am and who I’ll be. That there is no other place I am supposed to be, let alone would rather me. I am deeply, deeply content with my lot, including its seeming challenges. Which I have turned over to God.

So I guess they are not really challenges anymore.

I see how the red thread of my life has been very true and very constant. I’m still writing about the same things and I just got a literal degree in them an dhow to help people find their way.

Not that there is any one way to find, but to help them choose the path that’s their own. Maybe that would be a good name for a coaching business.

I’m happy with myself, despite or because of it all. Every pound, every penny. Every cell, every story.

I am exactly where I’m meant to be. This is my deep knowing.

The only thing that has changed through the years is how much access I have to that. Oh how I am not afraid of growing not old, but wise.

Being 35 is actually awesome. There was a lot of trepidation around age and fertilty and will men still find me attrative and bla blah, but honestly I am looking quite fine, even with a couple of extra pounds, I feel gorgeous. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more beautiful in all my life. I really do like myself.

I’m happy.

Well, content if not always joyous.

I am finding my voice again.

I am my voice.

It feels so good to be me and I feel a strange kind of comfort reading these blogs and thinking, yes, I am still the same sort of person! This is me! I was so wise. I am exactly the same as I am now.

As much as I have sometimes beat myself up for my choices, my core values are strong and consistent. I am remarkably consistent for someone sometimes pegged as will o the wisp. Honestly I’m anything but.

And this makes me realize that though job and life’s work don’t have to be the same thing, I’ve been doing the same kind of work all my life, thinking about the same big questions, and coming up with similar answers everytime. Especially when I listen to what my past self said about listening to my body, trusting my intuition, wanting to live in France, and motherhood is not the be-all, end-all. As much as I very much want to be a mother, and I want to do it from a healthy place of something that enhances my already full life, not something that gives meaning to it. I don’t want to put that on my kid’s shoulders. I have already lived a beautiful, marvelous and meaningful life. Almost 60 countries visited. An MBA, a flat near Paris, and a lot of deep passionate life and love. My life is juicy beyond beleif.

Thank God I didn’t try to put myself in a box of what I thought I was supposed to be. How stale those crumbs would have been in my mouth, that might have been a feast for someone else.