True Love

Tags

dating, friendship, life, long distance, love, philsophy, romance, soulmate, true love

True love is letting go.
Sad and sweet and true, painful but beautiful.
This is life.

There is a being out there that I do love.
It took me a long time to realize what love is, even though Forrest Gump knows.
For a long time, I tortured myself and him by trying to hold on. Grasping, clingy, believing that no one else could or would ever make me as happy as he could, and that I had to do everything in my power to make it happen, because without all the blood sweat and tears I could muster, the one would get away, true love would pass me by, and I’d lose him forever.

Well, he was never mine to start with.

And I’ll never be his.
A part of me sighs in joyful release at that, because I will always, always be mine.

I heard all that “if you love something let it go,” stuff for a long time. Who doesn’t know Christina Aguilera “What a Girl Wants?”
I always thought the letting it go was a test. Or rather, looking at Noah from the Notebook, for the weak.
Or the monstruous and unlovable, like the Beast.

But Paulo Coelho says you can never lose me because you never had me, love is freedom, and plenty of other awesome quotes I’m a little too lazy to Google and set up for you at the moment. Just read Eleven Minutes.

So yeah, I love him in my way. I will always see that spark of the divine in him. We’re friends. I couldn’t tell you, at this particular moment, that I would unequivocally want to be in a relationship with him if it was possible, but for whatever reason, I just care about him. There are a thousand well dreamt out reasons to obsess over him, but what made the magic happen is something I’ll never really know.

In fact, he’s going to try to have a far flung life, and I genuinely don’t know when I’ll see him again. It’s been more than two years since the last time, and despite all attemps we were in the same city twice this year and it didn’t work out. I know that doesn’t sound like ironclad friendship, but some things are just not meant to be, at least at that moment.

So here’s to really letting go, and enjoying this person, and not trying to find some way against he odds for us to be together or make him love me. Here’s to realizing how much he does care and always has for me, and that there is no contradiction between that and him ALWAYS encouraging me to pursue my dreams and letting me go.

Isn’t that what love is?

I can’t hold on to him any more. I’m not even sure if he’s best for me. I guess we’ll have to let go and let God.

But it is a blessing on me to have this person to wish blessings for, and to have felt this way.

Some people wait a moment for a moment like this.

Love is true, even if the relationship doesn’t last forever.

Love is eternal, even if its manifestation doesn’t stand the test of our temporal human lives, if it doesn’t withstand the ravages of fate.

I still love him, and I always will.

There are other people I will always love, but he’s special.
And not mine, and maybe never will be.

And it’s okay, and beautiful, and a blessing.

Love,
MJ

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Love Means Giving Up

Tags

boyfriend, cross-cultural, dating, future, happy ending, life, long distance, marriage, planning, relationships, twenties

I met someone unexpectedly and started to care from him. Misunderstandings arose, the time came for us to part ways, he never fit the bill of what I was looking for anyway, and my expectations for what a friendship/courtship deepened by distance might be were never realized. I saw him a few months ago, which was for the first time in months, and it wasn’t the tear stained, steamy passionate reunion I had hoped for, and which I gauged in my mind as his feelings for me and our ‘potential’ as a couple, much as during the time we were more or less together I didn’t really think of us as a couple sice it didn’t happen, or at least, I wasn’t aware of it happening until the time came to leave.
I leave off writing him emails for a while, and think he’s just forgotten about me and will just go away, since I feel like I’m the one initiating everything, and then he gets in touch when I least expect it. I know that might seem like a red flag of a sort of abusive, well not abusive, but unhealthy relationship, and it’s not ideal, but maybe it is also proof that sometimes love doesn’t always speak; sometimes it just listens. And just because someone doesn’t hold on to you, doesn’t premature cleave to you, doesn’t mean that you are nothing to them. Just because there’s not a clear label on it, and nothing seems to go as you expect, doesn’t mean there’s nothing there.
And, as I have learned time and again, that there is even anything worth stressing about. it’s not always the stupid dude, the truth is it’s your own expectations and clinging and attachment to a certain ideal of what love should look like that is making you suffer. Love actually is all around, and not having a dude to cling to makes you realize how much stable and deep the relationship S in your life already are. When he does show some sign of affection, it IS just gravy.
Sometimes this guy makes me feel crazy because I am crazy. I am crazy like every unenlightened being, although we’ve all got Buddha nature or amazing grace or something like that. I am crazy because I know what love should look like. I am crazy because I’ve got it all planned out. I am crazy because I have deadlines and milestones and an idea of what I should be doing five or ten years from now. I am crazy because I am tempted to close my heart to someone wonderful just because they come from a differet religious and cultural background from mine. I am crazy because I don’t neven want to be tied down to him from the second I return to France but I want him to pursue me and try to lock me down. I am crazy because my friends don’t really like the idea of him that much and maybe they are right but the truth is that I know that I am a crazy one in this relationship and the tales I tell them and myself are SO distorted by all the expectations I have laid on them. I am crazy because I expect to get what I want even though I’m afraid to even tell this poor guy what that is, and then get mad at him because I don’t trust him because I don’t trust he really likes me because sometimes I don’t really like myself or ever feel I’m good enough even though I’m working on that.

I have tried to push him away so many times, to box him into a corner of disappointing me. I have fantasized about him acting so inappropriately I had to end things and just revise my vision of him as a total cad from day one, a very simple BLACK in a world of black and white where I am always the helpless wronged, self righteous victim. I have feared and hoped and tried somehow to label the boxes in my mind in some way that I can just kick him to the curb like so much trash because he TERRIFIES me.

not him, actually. I knew from the moment I met him that he’s a gentle soul, and in over a year of knowing him I can’t think of one unkind thing he’s sad to me. I can think of countless times I wished he would say more and there have been so many times I wished he would just call or write or tell me in some unmistakable unshakably certain way that he loves me and wants me and needs me and all of my care is not for naught, but I honestly can’t think of any times he has deliberately hurt me. He has been thoughtless and careless bordering on rude, and he can be, like the rest of us, a bit selfish at times, but never ill-intentioned. Not so far as I can tell, much as I’m always slightly afraid he just wants a little American princess arm candy golden ticket to the US but I know him well enough to think his pride and principles make that an unlikely scenario, and last time I checked he didn’t treat me like a princess. He treats me like a person, which I have always demanded but sometimes love and sometimes hate.

The truth is that all I want to do, really, is crawl into his lap, for him to take my hand, to embrace him and cry like I did when he left and see he’s crying too because he’s so moved at seeing me again and the fact that we have another shot. That as much as I have long drawn out sex fantasies with him, it’s really just the time that he reached over and pulled my legs into his lap and put his arm around me while we watched tv, or when he called me my heart just after we made love or had sex or something like that and we were both clothed and he was attending to dinner.

And how all this could be reconciled with the fact that j’aime Paris I ❤ Paris, and supposedly to be a Parisian is not to be born there but to be reborn there, that that place makes me happiest and most content in all the world, even though I feel like I should put mind over matter and be happy anyplace but that's where my heart is. ANd that's where he is, where I met him, and I have learned through the cold spells and frustrations of our long distance communication that it is definitely not him that I am coming back for. And he loves New York, thinks Friends is a good tv show over How I met Your Mother (facepalm!), would rather be in America, would probably trade and suffer a lot to get here when it's my birthright to be here, and all that jazz. The fact that I don't want to get too caught up in SUVs and big houses full of stuff and a consumerist workaholic lifestyle, and in some way that's something he wouldn't mid having. The fact that I read, and he watches TV. I do yoga and lift weights and go to the gym for fitness, and he plays soccer and swims and even watches sports on TV. The way he gels his hair and I hate it and just ignore it in favor of his other charms. The fact that I am a crazy free spirit cum careerist with an MBA who loves living abroad, and he just wants his family to be happy and feels stuck working very hard and is in Paris for a bette job, a better life that stresses even him out.

I thought he was just a naturally happy go lucky easy going person. Now he seems worn out and busy. Maybe he was just happy to see me.

They say not everything has to be serious, and it was a good lesson to learn. I never thought this would have even a hope of being serious in my rational mind, or maybe that was just a defense mechanism that actually enabled me to let go and enjoy the moment for change and actually enabled this to manifest.

I don't know if it will last forever, if he's the one, if we are perfect for each other. He's not my best friend, and he hasn't been my lover for a long while. I don't really know if we want the same things, and I often suspect that we don't. I say I want a chance at a serious long term relationship, a real boyfriend, that I can see a future with, and that said guy has to have XYZ qualities and has to do what I want as I want it and no friction and no deal breakers. That guy hasn't shown up yet, there's a chance he might but I suspect that's not the answer.

The answer is to stay open, realizing that this guy, the one that is actually a presence in my life, the real person who responds to my emails and who I will have a very good shot at seeing in less than a month, and with whom a relationship might be logistically possible, is going to shatter my expectations. If a real love relationship blossoms, I will not get what I thought I wanted, and I will not likely get everything I want based on what I already know about him and is quite unlikely to change. If I walk away from him and somehow cut him off in order to make room for some new relationship to manifest that meets those expectations, I wont have him, and my heart still aches for him at times, quite frankly, even though I know I don't need him and nostalgia might make things seem better than they were though hindsight is twenty twenty. I wonder what it would be like to be intimate again though I wonder if things should be slower this time, and at the same time it seems like it would be a silly denial to artificially pace according to some ideal of courtship.

It's true, I don't always have the talk all night conversations with him I dreamed about, but the truth is, I'm still dreaming about him.

So something is going to give. I'm not sure how things will work out, but whatever circumstance emerges, it will be ME that gives way to a more genuine, peaceful person, unattached in the positive sense of Buddhism, who is more able to accept and receive and attract love into her life.

I lose, whatever I choose. I choose to lose my expectations. And to give up planning my future to be fully present in the now. One of these days, Mr Right Now will turn out to be Mr Right, but I can't get to Mr Right any time other than in the Now.

My expectations aren't real. But he, and the way I feel about him (however that is), is.

And more importantly, I'd rather be the loving compassionate person who doesn't discard or attach to people according to her own whims of how things "should" be. I'd rather be a true lover true to my true nature of goodness that is everyone's birthright.

A happy ending, worth the sacrifice.

Namaste,
MJ

Waiting for the Phone to Ring (again)

Tags

dating, france, guys, life, long distance, love, phone call, waiting

So I took the honest, healthy, or insecure, silly, self-serving, step of calling my former lover who just happens to live in Paris and who I’ve kept in touch with for the past year. There have definitely been a lot of times it has felt much more like it was me who wanted the touching than him, but htat could also be my insecurity speaking. The one time we saw each other over the course of the year, it seemed like we all but had a fight and wanted completely different things from life. But maybe that’s just jetlag and me going through a little depressive state and him being overworked.
Sometimes it feels like this is all a cruel joke of fate, a lesson in letting go. When I first met him, I wasn’t sure our acquaintance would last the night. About a week in, we made plans three months away, and at the point where we would be separated by an ocean, we decided to stay in touch, whatever that means. It wasn’t enough clarity for me, so in a fit of frustration with him I told him I wanted to break up, and basically within a day totally regretted it and tried to get in touch with him. We finally talked a week later and it was clear we weren’t ever going to be in a relationship and he seemed distant and I felt sad and embarrassed. Then we stayed in touch.
I emailed him about once a week from January to June, and he always responded within a few days. Sometimes I’d email him more often and he didn’t always get back to me right away. Finally I saw him in June and it was weird, more like meeting an ex than a long-awaited reunion with a lost lover despite the constant contact.
And then we stayed in contact. I skipped emailing him at some point curious to see if he’d take some initiative and he did. My initial plans to go to France got derailed and I emailed him saying I was sorry not to get a chance to see how things would have worked out between us and wishing him every happiness and of course I’d like to stay in contact. He said he’d try to call more often. He never called for like three months. Eventually I emailed him and didn’t hear. Then I did or something like that. But then I got a job in France as I hoped and I emailed him to let him know once the deal was signed sealed and delivered. No response in the morning, but he texted me wishing Happy Thanksgiving and I asked him if he’d read his email, he hadn’t, and then he called later that day and we spoke briefly. I didn’t want to let him go.
Sent him an email of a photo my mom found of us from last year. He responded a week later with gratitude.
Today I gave him a call. He asked if I’d mind if he called later.
So now it is well after midnight over in France, he has work tomorrow I’m sure, and I’ll just have to wait.
I know I’m not that important, as he’s not that important to me. I never realized that more than when I was going through the interview process for my new job, signing the contract and now working on visa and apartment stuff. When I woke up and looked for emails from France, or simply noticed the joy and excitement that started my day just thinking about the possibility of returning, I didn’t think immediately of him.
And I wouldn’t make any decision for him. I left him, and France, to beter my career prospects and now I’m able to come back and better than ever due to those new experiences.
So now I am waiting by the phone, as I have many times for him before. Wondering if he’ll call this weekend like he said he would. Up until this autumn, he never disappointed me, though it always seemed like a nail biter. I guess I didn’t trust him, or maybe just didn’t trust myself to have someone interested in me.
This time waiting by the phone, I’m struck by the two seeming biggest “problems” in my life: my weight and more or less empty romantic love life. Funny how it’d all be much simpler if I could articulate that I wanted self-acceptance and to feel beautiful and kindness, especially from myself, and not to need the validation of a man or the scale or even the way men look at women or looking like healthy and fit is supposed to look according to the magazines and finally meeting the female ideal of “perfect.” I’m far from there but I don’t hate myself like I used to.
So I am waiting by the phone, curious about my own detachment and how I still crave to hear his voice and I want so bad to believe in him, for him to want me, to feel like he might be waiting for me against all odds. I’m curious about whether it was love I was in love with or there really is something special between him and I, and if the fact that I wonder proves there’s not. But staying in touch counts for something, and love is more than roses.
So I’m waiting, and hoping, not for a Godot in the form of this man, but for myself. To stop waiting for love and give it to myself, and finally know that I can trust myself in a relationship. That I can be with someone without letting myself be taken advantage of. That the right person will not block out the sun of my own energy and independence and self-validation but will only make me shine brighter.
If it’s him, let it be. If it’s not him, let it be as well.

Letting go of the life I planned

Tags

catholic, cross-cultural, dating, human, inspiration, interfaith, life, long distance, love, Muslim, new york, Paris, relationship, romance

It’s amazing looking over these pasts few months how much has not gone according to plan, and how beautiful it’s been.  It’s also interesting to note how, basically, it became clear that I can still have the life I planned after going to business school is a real possibility. I can finish school and the study abroad that goes with it, and come back to America to start my real adult life. I have significant possibilities in terms of a job I didn’t even look for directly.  But you know what? That’s not really the life I want anymore.

Yesterday I talked to an old lover, the guy I thought was the love of my life and the perfect man for me. We commiserated as two idealistic, romantic dreamers assailed by the bounty of choices available and the difficulties of the search for fulfillment aka we talked about jobs a bit. We are friends now, and I don’t think I’ll ever “love” him the way I thought I loved the romantic image of him I’d created in the lack of other evidence, or the seemingly predictable success of our coupling.

No, when I wake up in the morning, I check my email for something from Y, the person I left in Paris. When I met him, I didn’t think much past saying yes to having a drink for one evening.  Somehow it’s been almost 7 months we’ve known each other, although not technically coupled off exactly. I miss him so bad. And somehow I fell for someday I never really had those soul searching conversations with. I appreciated his everyday goodness, and little by little, we get to talking of more mystical things. By the way, he’s Muslim, which honestly is more difficult than the fact he comes from a different country or doesn’t speak English. But obviously, not impossible. It wasn’t in my plan to buck conventional wisdom in this particular way, and like most people I’m a bit jealous of the safety of my heart, but there it is.

It’s definitely an ongoing saga, mostly complicated by the fact I can just never get myself to believe he really likes me. At this pretty non-serious stage, I can’t say there have been any conflicts or dificulties because of religious or cultural differences, except the fact I think it just makes it harder to distinguish where the misunderstandings comes from when they do arise.  The fact he doesn’t eat pork isn’t a deal breaker; as in any relationship, showing serious disrespect of who I am would be.

And I just called him, and he was busy. But he picked up. I wanted to wait for him to call me, but I was thinking of him, so I didn’t. Sometimes it’s not bad to make sure the person on earth checks out with the person in our heads. And if I can’t feel comfortable calling him when I want to, what kind of relationship is that?

I’m so afraid and nervous and jealous without even knowing if I have a reason to be. I miss him so much. And sometimes even I wonder if it’s all just because I want a boyfriend or timing or chance or wanderlust or who knows what?

The truth is, I have to let go of the life I planned to just live life and take it as it comes. It’s part of my personal religion to try to live it to the fullest, let the people you care about know, and be honest with myself in trying to follow the call of my dreams.

And maybe the reason I want to call him is because of my pretty good though not in Paris possibility of a job news. And I know he won’t want to influence me, and maybe we should keep our distance, but I want to be open and honest with him anyway. Maybe a small aprt of me wants to see how he reacts.  I can’t say he’s not a small part of my desire to want to go back to Paris, but I can say he’s not all of it. He’s just proof that if you follow your dreams, you will find someone to come along for a while even in the most unexpected places. I still dream of taking some more journeys with him though…Even though it seemed to come so easy and be so ordinary and who knows how many other people I could fall in love with, that doesn’t stop him from being special, irreplaceable.

I have to give up the life I’ve planned, and not give up hope, but give up a lot of my planning. I have to give up my expectations and double down in my faith in God, and in myself, to make the most of this wonderful world. It’s amazing how not doing something-planning, scheming, expecting- turns out to be the hardest thing to do. And even more surprising is that when you don’t force anything, God is right there to just GIVE you everything.

Namaste,

MJ

 

 

When I Love Him

Tags

dating, long distance, love, poems, poetry, romance

When I love him,

the birds scream his name,

every block I walk has a treasure to share,

he’s my faraway angel.

Not sure to come back.

 

When I love him,

I’m filled with woe,

I eat too much,

And don’t sleep well.

My heart won’t be quiet,

My feet can’t keep still.

He’s so far away.

And he’s probably already forgotten me, I fear.

 

But someday,

Maybe I’ll still love him

When he’s an everyday annoyance

When he stops being Prince Charming,

When yells at me for leaving dirty socks on the floor.

Maybe I’ll still love him

When he’s close by to love.

 

When he loved me,

I was confused.

When he loved me,

I didn’t believe it.

When he loved back,

I thought it was a mirage

In the desert of my loneliness,

Heart so thirsty for him, for love and life.

It made me irritable.

 

And maybe he’ll still love me,

When I’m far away,

But I send him poetry at the speed of light

In a language he doesn’t understand.

Maybe he’ll still love me,

When he finds out who and what I am,

So silly, and so far from perfect.

Beautiful, insecure, pale, frivolous, spoiled,

Scared, frightened, lily-livered, jealous.

And so much more.

 

So maybe one day,

Our paths will cross again,

I’ll know my long-lost friend,

And we will be lovers, not strangers.

Lovers who know, not infatuated spoiled brats

Maybe more than children,

who found a treasure in the sandbox once together.

And maybe, only that.

Or maybe, someday, far away-

we’ll be everything that once was, is, and shall be-

Lovers, not strangers, once more.

(No more) Waiting: On me

Tags

dating, inspiration, long distance, love, relationships, self, waiting by the phone

I have written an essay about waiting for the dude who was more or less mine in Paris to call pretty much every week we saw each other.  I wondered if he would actually call, what it would mean, why he hadn’t responded to a text in four seconds, of he could really be serious about me and sincere knowing I would leave, thinking about potential cross-cultural issues, wondering if my prince had finally come, and maybe, on some level, if I was ready for him.

It wasn’t the simplest situation, although I guess you could call it a fling-but he met my family, and they liked him.  And we have kept in touch I guess you could say.

I recently (as in yesterday) emailed him about potentially meeting up, a few months from now, when I’m going to another study abroad. I haven’t gotten a response yet, which is probably pretty normal considering I told him I didn’t have school if he wanted to call, it’s several months out, and he probably needed to think about it and research prices, and I think he’s just getting out of work now.

Or maybe he’s dating someone, maybe he secretly wants to surprise me with a trip to America, maybe it just doesn’t mean that much to him and he doesn’t want to lead me on.  Maybe he doesn’t want to get any more involved without knowing if it will work out geographically, if I’ll find a job in proximity.  Maybe he doesn’t want anything serious, or to make plans too far out.  Maybe he just doesn’t know.

What it comes down to is that I can’t bring my life to a dramatic halt and wait and wonder if he wants to go to London with me because I think it will change the course of my life, or that this relationship will fundamentally alter who I am. It might, and if he doesn’t want to go for whatever reason, it will change things. I will not think he cares the same way, and I will probably be sad. If he says yes, I will probably still wonder a bit about how he feels, but have something to point to and look forward to. And if he says maybe, well, I will just be confused and stressed out and anxious. Whatever happens, I’ll wonder why. I’ll wonder if he is sincere, if he is denying his emotions, if it’s too good to be true, or what have you.

But I can’t live like that anymore, and my life does not depend on him. Yes, I am emotionally vulnerable, and I do care, and it will change things.

Whatever he says or does or doesn’t will not set me off my path, though.

I wonder if I posed the question in the right time, in the right way, if my motivations were right, if I’m just lonely, and on and on and on.

Whatever happens, is what happens.

With or without him, I’m on the right track. I am on my path, I don’t know where it leads. Recently I’ve been feeling loneliness, ambivalence, and lack of motivation, but I know that the freedom is mine, as is the responsibility, and I have faith that I can bear it.

I also know that I don’t really like ambiguity, and the fact that I have all these little minor break downs has as much to do with him as with me. It’s been a confusing time and we’ve just been getting to know each other, but I know I haven’t felt perfectly comfortable in the relationship and probably his own not wanting to show vulnerability has played a part in that. It may be my crazy coming out, but I wouldn’t feel crazy if he wasn’t driving me there. Maybe he has no idea how I see things and why I get upset, but sharing is caring when it comes to feelings. Being in the dark is what’s hard, and even if it’s part of someone’s habits doesn’t mean that I just have to accept it. Maybe I can’t change the person, but it’s fair to let them know that I’m uncomfortable.

Whatever way this goes, I’ll find a reason to be happy about it. I will make the best of it. I’ll find love, one way or one person or the other. It doesn’t change who I am. It doesn’t make me any more awkward or less worthy of love.

I am who I am, as I once told someone. Take it or leave it, this is my story. It might be our love story or it might not, but I am the main character in my life, you, whether subplot or supporting role, are not what my future or present happiness hinges on.

This whole somewhat difficult, could be worse, could be better, not sure if I’m dying a slow death of mediocrity or lack of passion or just trudging through tough stuff and seeing a decision through, stage of my life is not going to make or break it either.

I don’t have to be waiting in agony to know how I feel about you.  I don’t have to know your answer to feel good or bad about myself.

Even if someday, you’re my everything, my relationship with myself will always be more important than my relationship with you.

So I’m going to relax, wait, and be excited, not stressed. I’m going to congratulate myself for being ballsy/awkward, and knowing that I’m becoming a more loving person everyday, and realizing I’m more than worthy of love, yours or anyone’s. But especially my own.

Namaste,

MJ

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Art of Letting Go

Tags

dating, forgiveness, letting go, life, long distance, love, philosophy, relationship, romance

There are a few things I need to let go of, starting today.

One is my  belief that I have to have everything in place in order to be happy. That is simply not true. I WILL NEVER HAVE EVERYTHING IN PLACE- hopefully I will always be growing, living organism responsive to my changing environment. I won’t ever have it all figured out.  There is no destination.

Secondly, I need to stop trying to be the person I thought I should be. I need to stop seeking other people’s definitions of happiness and security. I need to follow my own wisdom, and make my own mistakes.  And mostly, listen to my heart.

My heart has been hurting recently. It’s been about the time I knew Y, my dude in paris, as the the time since I’ve seen him. ANd the last time I saw him, while good, wasn’t particularly close or intimate feeling partially cause we were with my family and in America. I’ve been in contact with him since then but he said he’d call me very soon last Monday and I still haven’t heard from him. Supposedly he called me the Friday before that, when my phone was actually having trouble so I don’t doubt him. I don’t really understand why he wouldn’t want to talk to me before now though, and my anglo-saxon feeling about that kidn of stuff is where there’s a will there’s a way despite the time difference.

I realize now that no one can heal the hurt inside you and no one can fulfill your life. When you seek for someone desperately, sometimes you just want something to anesthetize the pain from other areas of your life. When you seek fulfillment in another person, you are withdrawing from your own life and not taking responsibility for your own happiness.

And putting a burden on someone that they just can’t bear. And probably won’t, and will shy away from.

If I’ve loved more, it’s not because I’m more sensitive, or more attached, or more trusting- it’s because I’m more daring. Love takes courage, especially in difficult circumstances. In love, as in many other things, I have gained the willingness to fail- because I have accepted past failures. Sometimes I obsess too much thinking nothing could ever top the magnitude of my first love, and in doing so I am blocking out all future loves.

Does this hurt worse though? More keenly, maybe, because I’m in touch with my feelings and hwo I am in a way I wasn’t then. More honestly, more cleanly, more simply.  More truly, maybe.

And also its just more confusing, because what does “talk to you soon” mean when you’re an ocean away and the earliest you might see the person is september? And you might just be reluctatnt to hurt yourself or the other person? And you are someone who hides your “negative” feelings? And you’re life has gone on as before you met me? And you think I loved you too much for such a short period of time, that I am naiive, and spoiled, and silly?

Maybe you never said anything like that, and maybe it was me who thought that, not you.

I don’t know.

But good bye, until we speak again.

I tried.

I gave it my all.

I have no regrets.

I’m pretty sure this is my final limit.

And look I’m not chasing you.

And sometimes, I just want to hang up on you. I’m not sure if that’s the right thing to do. Sometimes I just want to make an excuse and be passive aggressive and see if you call back. Sometimes I want to try to play games with you to see if you’ll play.

Sometimes I’d rather do anything than be honest with you agian, because you weren’t honest with me.

Maybe we will meet again, maybe we won’t.

No thanks to you for being stoic about it.  I’m going to not be bitter though.

Good bye.  Be well. Take care.

I love you, I loved you, I don’t know how much. But I was brave enough to do so.  And now I’m brave enough to say good bye, unless you say hello again.

 

 

 

Le Petit Prince and Wild Love

Tags

dating, france, joy, life, long distance, love, Paris, petit prince, philosophy, romance

If you aren’t familiar with Antoine de Saint Exupery’s Le Petit Prince (The Little Prince), you should be. It is the story of a little boy who has his own planet, with a rose a three small volcanoes to tend, who decides to leave his pretty little planet. He finally finds in all the universe, a friend in the narrator, and also in the fox he meets.  The fox explains that the important things are seen with the heart, and not the eyes, and to truly know something, you must love it. And that to be tamed may cause some tears but makes the world more sweet.

So I heard back from my dude in Paris today. yeah, I guess he’s my dude again. He sounded excited to hear from me. I know he loves me, at least a little bit. I have no idea where this could possibly “go,” or why it might be worth the effort, and the sadness, to keep in touch. But oh, I miss him. And I can’t wait to hear his voice again.

This is the guy I met walking down the street, who is pretty far from what I defined as my ideal guy. We dated for two months, knowing I would soon leave Paris. When pressed, I can recall the details of his face but for me, it’s more the feelings I felt from him that recall him to me.

So I’m just going to love him for no reason. I do love him. I don’t know if we’ll ever be together, or if we’ll see each other again or when, or even if we’d be a good couple, from our different personalities to our different cultures.

Before I met him, I was lonely, yes, and a little sad, but I was hard and tough. Then after a little time spent with him, no promises exchanged, but a few kisses and texts and hand holdings, I was all soft and doughy and moux. Something became tender and alive and young and vital that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I loved him like it was the first time, with all the grace I’ve gained from the years.

When they talk about love without expectation, I don’t think they are talking about losing your self respect, or giving to people because you don’t like yourself. I think they are talking about this- just doing it because it feels good, for no other reason.

Sure, I enjoy some company, and there’s something especially comforting about bitching to my dude, and he’s cute, but yeah I don’t need anything more than that. Just a really really romantic reunion when he picks me up at the airport in Paris someday soon. Kind of like our super romantic parting, where he went all stoic and I later got mad at him for not being weepy like me.

Because damn, I felt something. I had no words. I had nothing to say, nothing in my head. It was almost like a meditative state.

Kind of the opposite of some other states where I just felt kind of satisfied bliss and/or warm and cozy.  Stroking a girl’s hair will do that.

So yeah, I need to just hope a little bit, and let it be. And let him be his disorganized, will o the wisp self. And, in this situation let both him and I see other  people if that’s how it rolls. We are an ocean apart.

I was so mad about that. About how I FINALLY met someone and then because I had to go being all mobile and travelling and getting a master’s degree I had to leave him, when I had kind of just started loving him.

And now I think I’m just starting to love him, because I’m accepting who he is and not waiting for him to turn into Prince Charming. But a phone call in the near future would be nice, dear heart!

Expectation creates suffering, and is the enemy of true, pure love. The love you feel as a child, when you never want to leave the person but aren’t thinking about their financial prospects or baptising your children either. I loved like this once before, the summer before my first boyfriend went away to college, and I thought that there was really no way it could last, and we were young [mama says I should stop comparing everything to my first boyfriend, who called me EVERY DAY 😉 ] and we did end up being together for almost 3 years after that, a good amount of that time happy, another part of it just clinging and friends but not really lovers anymore. And that has nothing to do with what is physically expected of lovers.

But o, I love him, even though I can’t touch him till God knows when. It might be easier to love him from afar, and my rich fantasy life won’t be so interrupted by him being a dude just like so many others who watches MMA and drinks beer when he gets home from work [nor is he a very good trip planner. But don’t we all like to feel needed 😉 ]

And yes, I will leave behind my steely protective outer layer but I won’t forget my far more powerful inner shield and purity of my soul, and the protection of Mary. Whether you are catholic or not, I think it’s fair to say that the Father/Mother above, within, below, and all through us will keep their eye out.

Maybe someday he’ll tame me and I’ll tame him, but today is not that day. And even if it ever happens, we will not forget that we are wild and whole and innocent and pure and all knowing with the history of all our times behind us. I won’t forget that mon petit chiou is really a wolf in disguise, and he’s gentle by choice and because of my own gentleness. And he won’t forget I’m not quite a lamb either. The wildness is not about hurting or tearing throats or hearts out. The wildness is in knowing you are whole and free and happy to be alive, strong, and FREE! To love, to be loved, to see the world, to grow wings, to grow roots, to be YOUNG!

We are young.

May we remain forever young.

 

He loves me, he loves me not- He loves me!

Tags

dating, long distance, love, romance

or at least is excited to hear from me and wants to talk soon! Apparently he called on Friday and I didn’t pick up, weird I was having problems with my phone that day of course.

And there are those three little words I wanted to hear- I miss you.

Even though I told him not to anymore, he sent me some bisous too.  I might send some back.

🙂 I have so much work to do but o, I feel better now.

bisous,

MJ

Letting him go, I surrender

Tags

breakup, dating, hope, life, long distance, relationship, romance, travel, wish

I gave love one last final nudge, or maybe I pushed it away for good. It’s hard to say.  I told Y I hoped he was doing well, and he could call me if he wanted. If not, good bye.

I emailed the dude in Paris who said he would call me “soon” about two weeks ago now. I’m not indifferent, so I do care that it is taking him so long. That being said, i have no idea what is going on with his life and it might be hard to find time with the time difference. However, it is my firm belief that people who want to do something will find a way.  And if he doesn’t want me, I don’t need him.

I was watching How I Met Your Mother and it was noted that women act crazy because men give them mixed signals. I feel like that sums up my situation. I also feel like there has to be some kind of limit to what effort I can make or how long I can wait before all my self esteem drains away.  Honestly, I don’t really think the guy I last spoke to is the guy I was starting to really fall in love with.  If he is, he is a coward for not reassuring me of his feelings.

It’s a shame, really. If I was still in Paris, I’m pretty sure we’d be quite happy together. Not that any road is totally without bumps but I’m sure that we’d either be seeing each other today or have gone out last night.  I would probably be smiling and writing love poetry and thanking Destiny for having met him.

I can still smile and thank Destiny, but I feel like I’ve reached or should have reached my maximum effort I’m willing to put in, because he’s not really giving me anything.

I know that love is patient and kind and worth saving and conquers all and forgives but I can love him as a Christian without loving him as a woman.

And I hate being this way because I’m a romantic and have waited around and dealt with much more BS for much less worthy guys who were a lot less involved in my life.

But I’m not that person anymore.

I’ve got my own dreams to make come true, with the grace of God.

And I just love myself too much for this right now. I guess he’d prefer I feel indifferent and let it be super casual without cutting him off, but even for keeping in touch, I can’t be with someone who doesn’t keep his promises and forgets about me so easily.

Sometimes I feel like he confused me on purpose, because he wanted all the bells and whistles and trappings and intimacy and affection of a relationship without putting himself out there or taking a risk by opening up and committing to me.

I don’t really know, and I don’t want to argue with myself about what he had or cite all the instances that aroused my suspicions when we were in Paris together. I don’t really understand his motives for anything, and I’m having trouble feeling like he cares about me. Mentally I know he did but I’m just not feeling out, and that is making me want to cry.

I wouldn’t be so in my head and crazy and overanalyzing if he gave me something solid to hold on to, or if he gave me less time and reason to wonder.

I am not crazy, and I won’t be involved with someone who makes me this way.

Beyond Y, i am done with this version of love, this sick pattern of reaching out and getting nothing in return, of putting yourself out there knowing the other person feels something but tries to hide it, of knowing that there’s something there but not the courage to realize it. I’ve done this too long and too many times. There must be something better out there. And if there isn’t at the moment, I’m better off alone anyway, since in these twisted relationships you are more alone than if you’d never met the person.

I could try and explain all this to Y, everything I’ve felt and experienced from my side, but if he doesn’t get it and doesn’t choose to reach out to me, it’s not something I’ll ever be able to explain.  If he can’t understand how I feel, we can never have anything more than a good time together, which has now been compromised by this idk lack of trust.

So now, I give up. I just plain give up. I hate giving up, I hate letting something good go. But I did and I have. It’s in his hands now. I hope I’m not being too immature or cold or cruel or crazy. But I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’d rather hope for other things than for him in vain.

So it hurts. I feel scared and guilty of giving up, but really that’s the only thing there was left for me to do. He was a good guy, I would never say anything opposite to that, but I don’t know if he’s good enough. Or strong enough to be my man, ever, or faithful enough to be my friend.

In faith that better times are coming,

MJ