Joy in the Journey

Morning Story and Dilbert

Vintage Dilbert
July 29, 1998

If you have ever been discouraged because of failure, please read on.

For often, achieving what you set out to do is not the important thing. Let me explain.

Two brothers decided to dig a deep hole behind their house. As they were working, a couple of older boys stopped by to watch.

“What are you doing?” asked one of the visitors.

“We plan to dig a hole all the way through the earth!” one of the brothers volunteered excitedly.

The older boys began to laugh, telling the younger ones that digging a hole all the way through the earth was impossible.

After a long silence, one of the diggers picked up a jar full of spiders, worms and a wide assortment of insects. He removed the lid and showed the wonderful contents to the scoffing visitors.

Then he said quietly and confidently, “Even if…

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Choosing not to have problems- Defining Success

Tags

gratitude, happiness, life, psychology, taoism, uddhism

Now that the problem of what I iwll do for work next year and where I want to be have been solved, praise be, my tendency is to want to pick other areas of my life to improve, or rather, get up to speed.

Because everything is a problem.

Becuase there is some fixed ideal of how I should be.

Because life is meaningless without something going wrong that I need to make ight.

Because my ego wants to cling to the idea that “I” know what’s best for my life and that the means of achieving it are all within my power- related to this being the belief that anything that is “wrong” is a reflection of my lack of worthiness and the fact that I “don’t deserve it.”

Well, Ifinally recognize that this is not the answer.

Achieving goals is not what gves my life meaning- life is meaningful within itslef.

I don’t deserve happiness because I achieve something, I deserve happiness because I  am a child of the light.

I”m not talking about living a life of denial when something’s really wrong. Or being ocmpletely without hopes and dreams.

But desie can be quite empty.

And seeing everything in your life as a project is really exhausting.

Living my life as a problem to be solved or a question to be answered isn’t eally working for me.

So let’s try something else- being happy and going with the flow, and not making my “results” my identity.

Because ‘m a whole lot more than that.

Well, I recognize that living like that is not the answer.

Satisfaction and Peace- Changing the inner landscape

Tags

adventure, expat, immigration, life, psychology, self awareness

So, as mentioned, I do love France, and I feel at home here. I haven’t lost my spirit of adventure, but I’m not looking to leave anytime soon, and if I do leave, I would like to be able to easily come back.

Not everything is perfect in my life, and I am far frmo a perfect person.

But despite my imperfections, I am satisfied.

My life is realy full.

Like I said, that’s not to say ther’s no room for imrovement.

But hey, that’s part of life.

And “m happy, and not looking to be anywhere else or change my life in any particularly dramatic way- except finding love, btu that’s something I really give up to GOd.

I’ve finally come t othe conclusion that no mater how many wants or dreams I achieve with the grace of God, there will always be more. And many times when you get something you want, even though you love it, there will be moments you kind of hate it to.  But it’s worth sticking with.

That might be the most valuable lesson France has taught me.

And somehow, dreamer of many dreams that I am, this is the dream that I least expectedly to come true, least expected to stick  with, and least expected to love so deeply.

Yes, love.

I don’t know what the future holds, and I do hope to continue traveling and maybe one day finding a temporary home.

But you know what, this is it.

I don’t want to say this is as good as it gets, but I do hve to say, in an imperfect world where there’s no where that’s Heaven on Earth,  I have found my little hexagon of preferred residence.

For now, and maybe forever.

And that’s really something.

THis is  huge change to my inner landscape

TO all my “plans,” and schemes

And also, to the false gods of materialism and fashionable pessimism

To melancholy and excess and being a spoiled child.

I can’t go back to th eperson I was, either.

I am truly changed.

Always adaptable, but really not the same, never the same person.

And I dont

This is a big change for me.

It doesn’t show up on my miles logged, but it does feel like I’ve found a completely new wrld within myself.

And this has forced me to see the place that’s now becoming famiiair, and dear, with new eyes.

ANd I”m not tired of it.

Going with the flow, and self acceptance

Tags

20s, expat, france, life, philosophy, self acceptance

For a change, I’m not trying to swim agains the current and buck the tide.

I’m actually overall pretty happyw ith the direction of my life.

I’ve come to see my career as a string of beads with each bead as a unique experience, and not just about a destination. Yes, there is a comon thread, but ultimately each moment is beautiful in itself as well. ANd maybe I’m not yet all i want to be , but it is about the journey- because that’s what ife is.

I cn be fulfilled in my career even if I’m not doing anything and everything I think I might like.

I’m working from a place of satisfaction, allowing my cup to runneth over, and not lack.

I realize now that a happy life is going to have a lot of ups and downs.

The best decisions you make can still leave you guessing, and they are usually the easiest/hardest to make.

ANd now I am here.

And here is really, truly where I want to be.

I’m so blessed.

I have accepted my secret, even from myself, wish to stay in France indefinitely.

I accept that I found myself here, as an expat, and don’t really want to go back, thoughI Love my country and my family and friends.

I thank God for that, and remain open to the universe.

And so, so happy. A deeply satisfied heureuse, and not just a momentary contente.

Good vibrations

Tags

adventure, expat, france, homesickness, life, moving, Paris

So I went back home for vacation and to a wedding in North Carolina. I marveled at the space, at how cheap clothing and shoe are, at how happy and optimistic people can seem, and how I felt like I had taken five pounds weights off my feet I’d forgotten were there. HOw easy it felt, to be at home?

NOw that I’ve accepted a permanent contract in France, spending time at home doesn’t feel like a quick break to see family but rather a real vacation, something different entirely. Kind of the level of ease of sitting on the beach at an all inclusive resort all day. It doesn’t feel like going home, really, it feels like going to see my parents and family and friends where I grew up. Because I come “home,” to France.

I couldn’t believe what I put myself through on an everyday basis being in France. It felt kind of sadomasochistic to force myself to go so far in the name of growth.

But actually that’s a big fat lie, “m not forcing anything. And it’s not only for growth or to accomplish something that “m here. I don’t feel like I have anything to prove. I do want to stay here longenough to be bi-cultural, but it’s not like I have a specific timeframe on a to-do list, except to speak even more kick-ass French.

I went to Philly, where I went to grad school after studying abroad in Paris and was miserable. Seeing it with fresh eyes, it was a cute little city with a fair amount of cultural stuff, a nice downtown, and wasn’t too expensive. Not a snooty place either. What’s not to like? I asked myself, why didnt I like living there? WOuld I try it again someday?

And the answer is, much as i enjoyed revisiting to my little haunts of an afternoon, I just felt a bit out of sync with the city. SOmething just felt off. ANd i could see how it was like trying to play a piano that was out of tune. THe vibration was just off. Ijust didn’t feel good there. WHile i can think of many potential explanations, the shseer fct tht was it just didn’t fit.

And I”m beginning to think fit is one of the most important things in life.

So I had another perspective on why I got so down in the dumps /I thik if I hdn’t already experienced Paris, or even DC, I might hve really enjoyed PHilly.OR maybe it was just never meant to be amy city, I don’t know. I di dhve some goo times there, but it just wasnt’ quite right and no amount of trying to convince myself would change the feeling.

I cme back to Paris, in my “populaire” neighborhood with concrete high rises and not just Hausmanien facades, and I felt good. I was really happy to be there.

When I went to go red a book next to the Canal, I felt the concrete welcome me.

Inexplicable, or t east, not entirely rational, but very real.

So her I am, loving Paris. ompletely aware of its flaws, swept up into the rhythms of dily life, having learned to coplain like the best of them, but here nd quite happy, and all me.

And I”ve accepted the fact that the center of gravity of my life, personal and professional, has shifted here.

And I’ve accepted myself nd the fact that I love it.

This has made a huge difference in my quality of life the last few days, realizing this.

Makes me feel a ton of gratitude.

And more confident in myself for having taking the leap.

And quite proud of myself in a way for having left to continue my studies. It was really brave of me to leave the firt place I ever felt truly at home and accepted, and I did it. I saw the the whole world and this is where I’ve chosen to stake my claim.

And someday, I hope, I’ll have the guts and opportunity to try something else for a little while, if only to come back. If only to make me appreciate more where I am home, and feel again the sweetness of first discovery.

But here is where I did it first,where I lived on myown as an expat, and some part of me took root here, and also, perhaps I did always feeel a bt of a call.

Even if I did’t dare admit it to myself.

My life is not maximized here, nd I can’t optimize everything because I am not a robot. I am not the person that I thought I should be eiher. I think I’m a prson that somewhere deep down I really wanted to be and didn’t dare, including my flaws which I ow and try to take responsibility for.

But I have anything I need to be the person and live my lfe the way I want to, nd this is the background tapestry I chose for my life.

THere’s no place I rather be.

Even harder truths

Tags

adventure, love, philosophy

So I just talked to my friend whose place I’m staying in now. just before he left to go to brazil indefinitely i realized i might possibly be able to develop feelings for him, so i was sad to hear he’s probably not coming back any time soon.

anway we did some talking about life

i told him i really want to find true love, and he says it doesn’t exist in a person

it exists in realizing the truth of what you are

– part of the universe, not separate, all that jazz, part of God

so yeah, he’s right of course

i think that’s reallyimportant to remember

i just came from a friend’s wedding, where finding a soulmate seemed to be pretty paramount

but yeah, finding your soul is more important, even if your ego would rather prefer you to go chasing your own tail on match.com

have also realized i would much prefer to work in an academic environment and be some kind of teacher- in a way i feel like i didn’t do a good job of answering the earlier calling but i did the best i could

and the truth is that just because you are standing in front of a classroom doesn’t really make you a teacher

you can be in a purpose driven environment with much nicer people working for a huge coproration rather than in a backbiting non profit or in academia where people are so worried about their careers they don’t have academic freedom

there is hypocrisy everywhere

but

luckily

th epurpose of my life is not my job

or my marriage

and whether i am good or not doesn’t depend on my weight or income or place of residence

i am part of the unvierse, and it’s really alll good

and there is purpose, but it is not to be found easily looking just at my individual life

and there is love, all around me, regarldess of whether it has manifested in a relationship recently, and i am love

quite literally

and maybe i can cut myself some slack for my dark night of the soul, my weight gain, my mba, my career ups ad downs, my escapades,

even the risks I took

becuase it is kind of all part of the dance

it doesn’t have to all be resolved and make sense right now inmy life

i don’t have to hae all my desires fulfilled

and even if i did i would still have more, and be unsatisfied

and that’s ok

just part of the dance

so yeah maybe my biggest problems are not tactical, they are mystical and philosophical

there are some beliefs i’ve been holding on to that i need to let go

life will make sense regardless of when i get what i want

life is good now

there’s nothing to worryabout

even with all the death and destruction and corruption

there is a grand design

and maybe that’s what we need to remember more than anything else