I’ve been waiting to hear back about a job since about Thursday. I know I did well during my interviews, and I’ve been excitedly checking my email.
I could go on and tell you all about how this job is ideal and how it’s my destiny and fate and I wouldn’t be happy with anything else, but that’s not true.
What I will tell you is that with every moment, I feel more faith that what will be will be.
It’s been less hard than I expected to focus on what’s in front of me; Despite my yearnings for ailleurs, for elsewhere, for another pilgrim quest out of the country, I am actually quite content where I am, for the most part. I am surrounded by a loving family, have a roof over my head and more than I need to eat, every reason to believe I will get a job before the heftiest part of my student loans kick in, and more than ever, I’m aware of the friendships that have sustained me through thick and thin. As much as coming back after a long absence can make you feel separate, I feel so much more secure in myself, and so much wiser from my peregrinations, that I feel more whole and integrated and part of the human family and my own than I ever have. I recently turned 25 and found with contentment that yes, as I hoped I do know myself fairly well at this stage. Now that I am 25 I see more and more why a mentor told me not to get married till you are 30 and know yourself, but I do feel more confident that I still have room to grow and always will, and am beginning to see where the path might take me.
Uncertainty is part of the sweetness of life, and I’ve learned it’s not just me that never really knows what is going to happen next.
I have an idea of my personality, and that just helps a lot with the self acceptance thing. Why and how I am different and how it makes me strong is becoming more apparent.
I think the most important thing that has happened to me, or rather, direction in which I’ve chosen to evolve, is that I see life much more as the spiritual journey than the contest for achievement as the ultimate means and measure of self-actualization, whatever that means. The ups and downs of life just seem like part of the pattern, and things stopped feeling quite so personal.
In terms of finding my purpose, I haven’t come up with an ultimate bullet point type answer, but I do have some idea of what it’s all about. I’ve struggled and still do to put it into the box of one particular occupation, and now I know that it is beyond all that. The angels haven’t appeared to me blazing in their full glory as they did to Joan of Arc, but they are there and their magnificent sweet presence is felt all the same.
By my own measure, I guess, I’m doing pretty good with my life.
Getting the interviews for this position really boosted my self esteem, and finding my worth within is something I’m still working on. I know once I get into my job and I’m in action, I’ll feel my strength. And thankfully, having had the luxury and blessing of a little quiet time at home, I am just feeling so much better and am able to think clearly and not be depressed anymore. That is an enormous gift, just to wake everyday and not feel like I’m in a fog of my own negativity.
In terms of regrets, don’t really have many thankfully. Wish I was more emotionally present and less self centered at times, and also that I walked away sooner from people who continually hurt me. But I walked away. I’m happy for this moment in my life, for a clean slate on many things, and finally feeling like myself again. Funny how much we worry about money and career but regretting money I could have saved somewhere along the line doesn’t really come to mind. I like money for the experiences and comforts it brings me and allows me to give to others, but it’s only money.
So this is me checking in, rambling off about myself and my life as I wait to hear from a company.
You know what, I’d hire me.
The suspense isn’t killing me. A wise friend once said, nothing will ever happen in the same way twice so cherish it. This moment, which will soon give way to the next, is enough for me and I am enough in it.
That’s right, I would hire myself, pay myself well, and treat myself with dignity. And I will take care of me, come what may.
Hallelujah! I can trust myself!
And that is enough.