Stumbling on Purpose

Tags

faith, life, meaning, philosophy, procrastination, purpose, travel, wisdom

I guess one can see procrastination, going to business school, and my first time living in France as an English teacher’s assistant kind of all going to the same place. I felt lost, I tried to do something goal-directed. Maybe practical, maybe consciously fighting the drift into the abyss I was feeling, like an animal that senses it’s on its way to the slaughter. Eww. what an analogy.

But I think in spite of our desire to lead teleological, goal directed, white picket fenced in lives, purpose and meaning are things we stumble upon. And action and contemplation will bring you to the same place.

Recently I haven’t been dealing very well with the practical aspects of my life. I’ve been paralyzed by self doubt, confused, and wanting a way to “optimize,” plan, and make sense of what I want.

Which is still to go to France though even now I worry it is just an escape.

I’m an adventurer, and the best things in life are those I haven’t found my looking. I’d even say that tehy sought me out.

So instead of feeling this guilt and shame and confusion and hurt at how I’ve procrastinated and haven’t done the best I could have done under other mental circumstances, and seeing all this anxiety, insecurity, and procrastination as a problem to be solved, a disease to be cured, I’m just going to let it be.

Chances are, it will probably go away,

and leave in its wake something of value.

In fact, right now I think it is the humility of these experiences I need to keep on being a student. Yes, I can claim that I don’t know why I’m here besides not to fail and I don’t see the point of what I’m learning, but I will let my lack of curiosity be tempered by a bit of humility.

Because no, I really don’t know what’s coming next.

I might be able to ask and receive, and whether I’m certain or not of what I’ve asked for, whether I’m happy with the choices I’ve made, I have to believe, somehow, that it will lead me to tmorrow. And somehow all those tomorrows will lead to forever, and there’s something more to it than I see right now.

I certainly wouldn’t have gotten this philsophical if I didn’t have a boring paper to write.

Then I ask myself, what wouldn’t be boring? What should I do instead?

Peace Corps? Teach for America? the Foreign Service? Teaching English again?

Well you know what, I’m here now. And I’m going to make the best of it.

And here’s to believing that in stumbling, I will only came back up stronger, if not in the way I expected and maybe going in a different direction.

Here’s to faith, that helps us get p when we stumble, and see what’s worth stumbling towards.

God Bless.

MJ

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Head Work Vs. Heart Work

And I am weeping with the uncomfortable truth that all that matters is how you touch others, not how fast the wheels spin in your head or what pretty dreams you can dream up.

No, the smallest big of heart work is infinitesimally superior to head work. Providing for our bodies, and creating this world where I am able to read philosophy on a laptop computer and share with you all is important.  It is good that life is not nasty, brutish, and short.

But I was 10,000 times more productive in one day of substitute teaching than I have ever felt in 7 months of business school. I wasn’t very intellectually engaged when i was doing that- teaching decimal places to 9 year olds is about the most demanding thing I ever had to do- but I would say that being a parent is a thousand times more important than being a CEO.  One may be able to “bring down” a nation or provoke an economic catastrophe, but I can tell you who has a lot more responsibility.

I wish I could bring something in here about a life without love, but what I can tell you is an unattached, independent life with nothing to block the pursuit of my “dreams” of material success feels a lot less empty than when I had the specter of a shadow of someone I loved who loved me, even though we didn’t plan together or posess each other. maybe that’s why it seemed so much more bearable last semester.

Or maybe it was because I was in France, where I really did experience and learn something new every day. Something besides how to sit in a chair, pretend to listen, and do as I’m told without really stretching my mind 99% of the time.

I’m an explorer with a heart, but right now, I just hope I can put those humors in balance somehow.

 

Taking Responsibility, Taking Care of Myself

Tags

life, mindfulness, procrastination, school

So I’m super tempted to just hit up this dude since he did finally call me back. Because I would probably be more efficient at finding a mutually convenient time and calling him back in a reasonable amount of time. However, given the fact I feel like he’s been more than adequately encouraged and adequately informed of my schedule (although I might shoot another email to say I’ll be free tomorrow morning…) I’m not going to call him. [Because if I do, I will always end up calling him. And I did text him and he did not text me back. He probably fell asleep, or maybe he just didn’t care. Or maybe theres something big going on in his life. The truth is that the difference of a few days, or even a few weeks, won’t make a big practical impact on our relationship. But it might change the way I feel about him, a bit, if he can go three months without having a good chat with me.] My life is stressful enough, and if I go chasing him, or making it too easy, or trying to pursue someone who’s just not there, it will only add to my stress.

That won’t stop me from wondering a bit about him, and realizing how very nice to have him around it actually was. And what might happen when i get back, although I’ll be a different person by then.

Also, I’m not going to feel guilty about doing yoga and decompressing and even being mostly unproductive. I don’t know why it’s so hard- wel, actually i do, I just don’t like it that much- because if I don’t take care of me, no one will. That’s not to say other people can’t help me up out of the pit, but I’m the one who’s got to save me.

During yoga today, the instructor intoned “you have the key to free yourself, and only you can save yourself.” I’m going to do it. From not having a soda this evening to going to yoga to just plugging through my work, I am going to get my act together. And delaying action isn’t always bad. I just need to trust my own judgement so I’m not paralyzed by analysis paralysis, and be willing to learn by doing a bit more. I realize that probably a good bit of why I’ve been procrastinating so much actualy does have to do with perfection- I feel like no matter what I do, I won’t/can’t be satisfied, so what’s the point?  I cannot get trapped in this. And I do need to genuinely relax when I relax, not feel guilty and unrested when I do it. And not spend my whole day wondering about the future so I am completely immobilized in the face of the present.

The more I think about it, all of my problems are caused by overthinking things, but not really being mindful. My mind is always somewhere else, usually in a pain point or other times calculating the odds of some fantasy working out and what I need to do to get there instead of just accepting things as they come. I spend so much time feeling confused because I don’t know what optimal would look like or be able to tell if I had “won,” “sold out” or even just “did my best.” I bought into the myth that it’s all about “talent,” and “potential” and you’re only born with a certain amoutn in high school, causing me to doubt myself at every opportunity and get worse with lack of confidence even at things I was “naturally” good at, like public speaking, where my scores actually decreased with practice because I was so nerous about not having “it.”[ What a big fat lie propagated by a schoolteacher who went to some school formerly related to Yale who wanted to think she was “better” than that. So many things wrong with that- amazing the wounds adolescence leaves behind and I’m only an “emerging adult” in my “extended adolescence” (and sometimes I’ve got the acne to prove it). ]

The problem with the slogan “just do it” is that sometimes I just can’t. Because I’m just not present to do it. My body may be there, but my mind has locked itself away in a dark corner, and my heart is hurting. It’s kind of like in yoga where I feel like the biggest lazybones in the world but sometimes I’m stiff and sore and my body just can’t physically do that (yet). Even if I “should” because I “should” be young and limber and slim like the yoga babies in the “all levels” aka not beginner, classes. Maybe part of the reason b school is difficult for me is because I’m still young and idealistic and havne’t sold my soul to boring things and just am not as interested in ractical things as my classmtes. Not all of them are particularly imaginative. Besides, one of them, a former salesperson, talked about writing two novels. Today I found out that one of them was like more than half in her old phone which she dictated into during her commute. Lovely, but not quite what I had pictured, because I always picture myself as grossly inadequate in comparison to the people around me, and I will explode if I don’t stop stressing about the fact I’m the only one no one has given a J-O-B too, evne though I’ve had some super cool experiences, and believe I do have a productive aka paid contribution to make to society that people will exchange money for because it is of real value they perceive and they can’t get otherwise.

Well I got a little work done tonight instead of procrastinating entirely, and I’ve figured out some of the magnitude of what I need to do tomorrow. Surely not such a bad ting, and the fact that I sat here this long with so little to show for it is not entirely an “academic” exercise. [Why do I have to be the only one that gets existential crises? maybe I’m nto that special after all, I’m pretty sure most b school students think its a load of bs anyway]

Yes, i will be happy again. I will believe in myself and love and life again.

And now it’s how I met your mother time.

 

Practical Philosophy and Philosophers

Tags

business, career, goals, life, philosophy, practice, strategy

I’m currently reading the book Antifragile by Nassim Nicholas Taleb. It’s the kind of thing that for me is a “can’t put down,” and might make me look either like a nerdy loser or a real intellectual (whichever is worse) in cocktail party conversation. The author sort of predicted that big old financial crisis which impacted so many of our lives in ways big and small, and takes on a risk-management based critique of pretty much everything. He was a trader or some such before becoming a philosopher/professor of risk so what he’s saying is grounded in practice, at least in some way. I suggested tthe book to my Operations professor and he said that Taleb is arrogant. I very much agree, but ti’s nice to see someone take on the establishment, invent his own rhetorical style, and kind of give shape to some of the things I was just getting a vague intuition of in my own life. One of the main things he takes on is the idea that goal-directed projects are more succesful than mere tinkering, which gives me some heart for my own life. He also advocates the life of action as part of a reflective life, which encouraged me and made me not feel like the ultimate sell out by going to business school. [I guess we all find things that make us feel better about the choices we have made- confirmation basis- though I do my best to thoroughly evaluate things, even post mortem, and when I don’t end up worrying myself sick and annoying everyone around me by not just plowing through and sticking with my decisions. Maybe being a normal person is overrated though. Because I’d rther be wondering and writing and doing that kidn of stuff than doing anything else, but sure as heck avoiding work gives me a lot to write about ! And luckily I’m catching a little bit of a break tonight and hopefully will be slightly ahead of the game, planted as I am in this cafe and having decompressed a bit already.]

In any case, it seems to me that philosophy and living the well-examined (but hopefully not too-examined monkey mind head’s on fire ) life should go together. And ultimately it’s much nobler to scorn money you already have than to say poverty is virtuous because you are poor and don’t “have what it takes” to make money. He talks about how it’s better for artists to be financially independent of their art and I have to agree. I’ve wracked my brain for ways to do stuff I really wanted and turn a penny but haven’t hit on any that didn’t make me feel squeamish, though I don’t think there’s anything wrong with art to sell. I’m definitely not in the business of judging anyone else just trying to figure things out for myself and what works for me.

Strategy professors seem to have a philosophical bent. They include lines of poetry in their introductions and convey a certain amount of erudition. If they are teaching, they are doing so because they like it, not because they can’t find anything else to do and have probably taken a financial loss, or rather, are not making as much money as they possibly could. Such is true of most b school profs, and I feel that it gives them credibility in a way that other instructors who have only worked in academia lack.

This Taleb book takes on the whole notion of academia even in science ever doing anything productive for society, and the fact that sometimes the cure is worse than the disease, especially in economics. Besides the fact that this is all intellectually intriguing, the practical benefits on a personal level seem fairly clear-you don’t need a theory to be successful, and having one probably hinders you. Also my whole dream of creating my own utopian vision is probably not even the service to humanity that I envisioned, particularly if it’s not grounded in some kind of practical knowledge. So I feel a bit better about the path I have chosen- I genuinely think that outside of learning how to be a researcher, I’m coming close to my limit of how much classroom knowledge I can take in and digest advantageously. It became grossly apparent to me how inadequate good grades were to getting ajob, and hence doing something productive. There is certainly a link but it’s a pretty indirect one- it’s the person’s abilities and commitment that will make the difference.

I’m trying to believe that I have something to offer the world, particularly the world of paid work. I’m trying to build my confidence and have some faith that the risks I’ve made- particularly in getting more education- will paid off, since at least busienss school doesn’t seem very much like an end in itself at this point, much as I like my classmates.  heck, I probably wouldn’t have that much good stuff to write about if I just lounged in my pajamas all day and faced no stressors and caused no growth.

I thought about trying to relax for a while to try to figure stuff out, but I think the answers can only come in the thick of things. Not to mention, I just don’t have much time to be truly relaxed. I was also beating myself up for not getting enough done and feeling like whatever I did I would never feel satisfied, and I’m going to leave that paralyzing self criticism behind. It’s just not healthy and it’s not productive either. So I don’t have a master plan- I don’t needone. And more importantly, I will learn to accept my best and give my best. Recently, it’s felt like I only had 20% of my full will power and capacity.  I’m getting back up there, and I think my capacity will also improve. Right now, I’d say I’m at about 65% and that makes a huge difference. Setting a timelimit on how much work I’m going to do helps too. So does procrastinating productively by doing another task. And taking Taleb’s point that procrastinating is nature’s way of showing us what’s unessential, because you don’t procrastinate running away from a dinosaur! (not that dinosaurs and humans concurrently roamed the earth)

I also bought a new backpack today which should literally take a bit of the load off.

But really it comes down to the fact that I need to believe I can do it- that I can handle both success and failure, and that somehow, things will work out. This is really hard. It’s freeing to realize I don’t need a big picture grand purpose, and I can work for some kind of extrinsic motivation without a goal in mind. I can just accept that business school is what it is and that’s where I am right now, it seems the best chocie given the information I have and the best I can do is all I can do after all.

But yeah, I can’t be unhappy and depressed and unmotivated all the time. It’s bad for my waistline, my health, my productivity, and general self esteem as well as just not making me happy. I thought that unhappiness was a signal I needed to make a change, but maybe that change is more with me than with my environment, and I need to consciously believe things will work out instead of constantly wondering how. I need to discipline my mind and look at all of this as practice.

Maybe school work and looking for a job, while important, are ust fodder for my real work.

And I need a break from all this philosophizing too!

As well as a little good old fashioned faith.

Namaste,

MJ

Mindfulness, Freedom, and What You Can’t Not Do

Tags

career, confidence, dating, dieting, food, life, love, mindfulness, philosophy, psychology, self love

Yesterday night, after being late for yoga and unable to enter the studio and going to McDonald’s for an icecream cone, I went to Starbucks to read for a little while. I ordered a large iced herbal tea (passiontea) with no sweetner. And then, considering the little “wants more” and the fact I saw a chocolate chip cookie in the dessert case and had wanted one before, I at first went for the dark chocolate graham cracker but then switched at the last second to the chocolate chip cookie.  Needless to say, I felt a little confusion and shame and hoped that this chocolate chip cookie would be my last, or rather, the last “enjoyed” under such circumstances.

So I seat down and took a large swallow of tea. Delicious and refreshing, to my under hydrated body that drinks too much soda.  Then I had some of the cookie, and it wasn’t as good as I’d thought it would be. In vain I realized that consuming something now just because I wanted it earlier wasn’t going to make me feel particularly fulfilled, especailly as I’ve been trying to curb my sweet intake, and do healthy things like go to yoga.

No, the cookie really wasn’t that good. It wasn’t like those cookies in Fracne that I remember with a gleam in my eye, from the days I felt lonely and went to walk by the river in my little town and give myself a pick me up of an American sweet sweeter than any French confection that reminded me of home and yet was better than any chcocolate chip cookie tasted on American soil, ever, I’d say. I remember going out of my way to look for said chocolate chip cookies in Paris, then being slightly disappointed when they were less moist and chewy than I would have liked, and I felt more judgement from myself than usual for eating then.

At the time I was actually eating the chocolate chip cookie though, I was thinking of all my feelings, god and bad and confused, about how the dude I was dating in Paris finally called me, “very soon” about a weekish after emailing that he’d call. I don’t really no what’s giong on in his life, but I am well acquainted with my own frustration , hurt, and genuinely less than positive attitude towards it at this point.

So maybe that’s why I ate the chocolate chip cookie, every last crumb, but didn’t enjoy it.

I’ve noticed that I tend to weigh less when happier, which makes sense, but the key to both weighing less (typically accompanied through diets, which seem draconian and would tax the little bit of willpower I have left over from pushing myself through schoolwork) and getting happy (always a good goal) might be mindfulness. I can only change my circumstances so much, I can only vent and talk to friends and try to relax in the evenings so much, but maybe the key is not taking my thoughts too seriously.

The last two times I feel for someone deeply, I can remember the wisdom of my body. More than just a “Darn, he’s cute.” sort of thing. More like, wow, look at me smiling at him for no reason. I like him. I feel good around him.  Yeah, let’s hang around him more. I remember finding that loving feeling, not trying to diagnose it or wondering if the dude would enable me to check off all the boxes on the list. In fact, the reason I didn’t think I felt passionate love or wasn’t sure about it with the guy in Paris was that I did a bit of a “Whoa, Nelly,” and started wondering about the check box kind of stuff and if he really liked me, etc. And I would say pretty much all of our relationship difficulties can be linked back to “monkey mind,” of all your thoughts rushing around and acting out stupidly and not knowing what you want and desire is the root of suffering*ish (because I’m Western and not Buddhist but I recognize some ancient wisdom when I see it or so I’d like to think). Even with this blog, I delve into my monkey mind, I try to give voice to my fears and hope that helps them go away (it does help, sometimes), it doesn’t always clue me in to my feelings because I’m so distracted by the endless chattering and listen far too much to my insecurities. And maybe not enough to the voices of “reason” and compassion.

I’ve also been fairly unhappy and anxious in my MBA program and over the whole job and wanting to be abroad thing. I can’t change my circumstances quickly enough to find solace to cope with my challenges. I can change my attitude, but I don’t want to miss the messages of what my emotions are trying to send me and of course, I want to live authentically. I don’t want to be in denial and find myself in line for more of the same.

What I actually like to do is just kind of learn, and write, and ponder, and speak French. And travel. And do yoga. I would like to do these things, but they aren’t a core part of my studies and I will have to put in some extra time to keep them going, I do believe.

If I’m not going to get passion from what I’m doing to hopefully earn a living, I’m going to need to find it somewhere else. Much as I LOVE to just write and do stuff on the fly, I don’t think that’s really a viable strategy to put the time I need into things that I want to do and aren’t prescribed by my program. But I’m going to do them anyway! Just need to pencil it all in and not avoid doing work so much.

Because I have to find the freedom to do those things I can’t not do. Now that I’ve found them. I can’t stop myself from doing the things that actually bring me joy if not necessarily directly linked to getting a paycheck or finishing school- although tht estress relief is enormous.

It’s also easy to get lost in monkey mind chatter over what I “should” do, think, act like, be like, etc. and all the reaosns I’ll never “get there.”

honestly I think that finding a job is something that comes to you as much as you come to it. Like finding love, it’s about being in the right place at the right time, and being true enough to yourself that you are in the right place. Showing up is always half the bottle or 80% of success some Hollywood actor said. Just gotta keep on showing up.

The truth is, come hell or high water I will find a way to do the things I’ve just gotta do. Now I’ve got to just do all those things that I have chosen to do as part of my largre goal, and learn all I can from them too.

I’ll figure it out. I have something to offer the world.

And I’ll even lose some weight too- but not through strongarming. Or through mantras, writing stuff down after the fact, or figuring out the optimal diet for my body.

I’m going to learn the hard, and old-fashioned way. Through direct observation of my lfie and my feelings.  Thisis how I am going to figure stuff out through what is, not what I wish was there or predict. By living in the present, I am going to notice and hopefully correct, and understand why I’m doing what I’m doing. I’m going to let my own present reveal its solution, rather than being up in my head which is so far from the ground.

I’m figuring it out.

Peace and love to you all,

MJ

Where does happiness come from?

Tags

chance, happiness, inspiration, love, philosophy, positivity, relationships

So I heard from my dude today. I was in class, as before, so I couldn’t answer. I’m kind of annoyed that he didn’t realize that and didn’t call me on the weekend instead. I don’t really know what his current situation is though so I can’t make any guesses. So yeah, I’m still a bit mad and hurt and feel like he doesn’t care. Who knows. Maybe he consciously thought things needed time to cool off and for me to settle in. I know he didn’t want to influence my decision whether to stay in France or not when I was thinking of switching schools.

Well, he called. But he did not call back at a more appropriate time. We’ll see how things go.

In the past few weeks, I’ve gotten closer to an old friend that I thought was my ideal guy. I had never felt like that before, and it was over without ever having begun. The perfect opportunity for romantic, obsessive love. And he’s really not a bad guy at all, and imperfect enough to be a good target for that kind of thing, because you wonder if you’re the one that has the problem (and sometimes, I did). So now we are kindred spirits dishing the dirt on our love lives and exchanging book suggestions and mostly I’ve been helping him get over his quarter life crisis (as though I was over mine). So yeah I would say he’s a friend I can pick up where things left off with but I don’t love him anymore. I do think I did really love him a bit beyond the obsession. And I know he doesn’t think he’s crazy and he admires me and when it comes down to it, he just didn’t feel the same way and I think he’s just not open and courageous enough in some matters for me. And now we’re friends. So, point being, the guy I would have picked out from the man store and have known now for almost two years and really know well is not really the object of my affections.  I know about his childhood, we discuss politics, religion, and mostly dating and career stuff.

Then one day this guy and I kind of stumbled across each other’s paths, shared a drink, and I’m still not quite sure what happened after that. It wasn’t quite true love forever and always, but it was definitely something. Besides all kinds of cultural differences that could potentially make life as a couple a bit complicated, I wouldn’t say this is exactly the guy I dreamed about, and I don’t know that much about him. We were togetherish for about three months, I’d say 2 months as kind of a thing. Guess which guy I miss the most, and who I would say I still have feelings for. Not unequivocally dreamy romantic positive- the dude can learn to pick up the phone once in a while, among other things- but certainly there.

In truth, I stumbled across both of them. I’ve often kind of wondered about the symbolism of where and how we met, and what deep message the universe was trying to convey, or at least my subconscious in opening me up to a romantic entangelment at that place and time with that person.  There is a lot of potential for speculation.

But what I will tell you is that random guy is better than the guy I would have picked out of a catalogue. If you asked me to list his positive qualities, I could probably give it a go, and if you aske dme what I thought was so special about him, it would be tough to say. I couldn’t write a whole book about why we were perfect together like the case of the first guy- serious. But somehow, he’s the one who was really there, and who I managed to be in a relationship ish with for the first time in many years. And, he calls me, whereas no surprise I often feel like more of the initiator in the other situation, but their personalities and cirucmstances are definitely not the same. So we’that might be irrelevant.

Point being- maybe I don’t need to have a goal in order to succeed whatever the heck that means. Maybe the proof will be in the pudding and I just need to hang on, enjoy the ride, and be a little bit smart about it, but not totally rely on my smartness to get me there.

After all, it takes faith and trust, and a little pixie dust, to fly. Why should a life be any different. After all, don’t we all want to fly?

The Art of Letting Go

Tags

dating, forgiveness, letting go, life, long distance, love, philosophy, relationship, romance

There are a few things I need to let go of, starting today.

One is my  belief that I have to have everything in place in order to be happy. That is simply not true. I WILL NEVER HAVE EVERYTHING IN PLACE- hopefully I will always be growing, living organism responsive to my changing environment. I won’t ever have it all figured out.  There is no destination.

Secondly, I need to stop trying to be the person I thought I should be. I need to stop seeking other people’s definitions of happiness and security. I need to follow my own wisdom, and make my own mistakes.  And mostly, listen to my heart.

My heart has been hurting recently. It’s been about the time I knew Y, my dude in paris, as the the time since I’ve seen him. ANd the last time I saw him, while good, wasn’t particularly close or intimate feeling partially cause we were with my family and in America. I’ve been in contact with him since then but he said he’d call me very soon last Monday and I still haven’t heard from him. Supposedly he called me the Friday before that, when my phone was actually having trouble so I don’t doubt him. I don’t really understand why he wouldn’t want to talk to me before now though, and my anglo-saxon feeling about that kidn of stuff is where there’s a will there’s a way despite the time difference.

I realize now that no one can heal the hurt inside you and no one can fulfill your life. When you seek for someone desperately, sometimes you just want something to anesthetize the pain from other areas of your life. When you seek fulfillment in another person, you are withdrawing from your own life and not taking responsibility for your own happiness.

And putting a burden on someone that they just can’t bear. And probably won’t, and will shy away from.

If I’ve loved more, it’s not because I’m more sensitive, or more attached, or more trusting- it’s because I’m more daring. Love takes courage, especially in difficult circumstances. In love, as in many other things, I have gained the willingness to fail- because I have accepted past failures. Sometimes I obsess too much thinking nothing could ever top the magnitude of my first love, and in doing so I am blocking out all future loves.

Does this hurt worse though? More keenly, maybe, because I’m in touch with my feelings and hwo I am in a way I wasn’t then. More honestly, more cleanly, more simply.  More truly, maybe.

And also its just more confusing, because what does “talk to you soon” mean when you’re an ocean away and the earliest you might see the person is september? And you might just be reluctatnt to hurt yourself or the other person? And you are someone who hides your “negative” feelings? And you’re life has gone on as before you met me? And you think I loved you too much for such a short period of time, that I am naiive, and spoiled, and silly?

Maybe you never said anything like that, and maybe it was me who thought that, not you.

I don’t know.

But good bye, until we speak again.

I tried.

I gave it my all.

I have no regrets.

I’m pretty sure this is my final limit.

And look I’m not chasing you.

And sometimes, I just want to hang up on you. I’m not sure if that’s the right thing to do. Sometimes I just want to make an excuse and be passive aggressive and see if you call back. Sometimes I want to try to play games with you to see if you’ll play.

Sometimes I’d rather do anything than be honest with you agian, because you weren’t honest with me.

Maybe we will meet again, maybe we won’t.

No thanks to you for being stoic about it.  I’m going to not be bitter though.

Good bye.  Be well. Take care.

I love you, I loved you, I don’t know how much. But I was brave enough to do so.  And now I’m brave enough to say good bye, unless you say hello again.

 

 

 

Sweet Mysteries of Life: Love/Risk, Randomness, and Letting Go

Tags

authentic life, dating, dreams, happiness, love, relationships, risk, travel

Love and risk are obviously a pair, since they imply you have skin in the game and something to win or lose. You care.

Randomness- call it destiny, fate, the Hand of God.

Letting go is rather self explanatory I suppose.

My yoga teacher told the story of a (physical?) therapist. She gave a lecture and asked the students to consider a glass of water that was half-full/half empty. She asked the students how much it weighed.  They guessed.

Then she asked them to consider what impact it would have on the body if held for one minute, an hour, or 6 hours.

Though the weight of the water didn’t change, the same weight could be crippling if held too long.

So it is with all our worries and cares- they need to be put down sometimes, or better yet let go.

~

It can be hard to let go of the worries we have come to identify with. Sometimes the things we worry about are the only things we really feel to be our own. We forget about our distinct laughter, smile, sense of humor, and all you can really see is “your” problems.  You feel like you’d be giving up an essential part of you if you stopped obsessing over that guy, stopped worrying about finding a job, actually adopted a healthy lifestyle instead of beating yourself up about not having done it yet. Who would I be, if I took a run a few times a week, stopped drinking diet soda, and had only the occasional chocolate chip cookie (and probably had the figure to prove it)? Who would I be if I stopped wondering about him? What kind of person would I be if I really did just chill out and have faith in myself and believed things really would work out all right in the end? WHo would I be? What would be left without all my existential dillemmas, quotidien worries and cares, and the insecurities I can’t imagine living without? What if I actually accomplished the little things I could and stopped beating myself up over mountains not yet climbed and losing faith in myself?

Like many posts of mine, this is secretly all about love and dating. What else is there to talk about? I’m a girl in my mid twenties, har har.

If I take a second and really think about it, being with the right guy right now wouldn’t complete me. I’m feeling extremely incomplete right now, and that’s exciting. I don’t think I ever really want to be complete, though I would like a guy. But that wouldn’t make me happy in and of itself forever. There would always be another mountain left to climb. And there would be some major potential drawbacks to meeting someone. There would be a lot of wonderful things too, and I still hope it happens.  But if it did, it wouldn’t solve all my problems that I’m supposed to stop identifying with. Nothing will ever complete me but me.

They talk about (yall know they is conventional wisdom and well meaning people, friends and relatives, and Cosmo) how once you’re ready, you’ll meet the right guy. It’s kind of implied you have to be your “best” self first, and have to be kind of settled down (aka tied down with a full time job, debt, and other things to keep you in one place and standing in line).  People who think they have all it all figured out, or at least want you to think they do, want you to feel that being a “mature adult” is the key to all your issues- loneliness, the search for meaning, etc. To a certain extent, being a real mature adult probably is. But I can be responsible and mature without having a mortgage or an apartment in my name. Heck, I think I can even dare to make a few mistakes and still call myself responsible and WORTHY. So yeah, if I wait for my own perfection to wait for Prince Charming to come, I’m going to be waiting a long time, which is to say, forever.  And isn’t he supposed to love me for me, anyway? Pretty sure Beyonce would say so.

And then we get to the question: Is Prince Charming what I want? Or what I want now? How will I know him when I see him? Will he ever come? What if he’s not as wonderful as I think? What if I’m looking in all the wrong places or for the wrong person? What if I’ve missed him somewhere, or doing whatever that made me a little “different” from the pack will condemn me to spinsterdom? How could any one ever love me when I still have so much to fix? Could I fix it all and have my career and keep all my other balls up in the air if somebody really loved me even if I’m not perfect all the time? How would I keep on going if I did meet somebody special who accepted me the way I wish I accepted myself? What would happen if somebody encouraged me to follow my dreams like the Irish cop in Bridesmaids? Do I have to go through a Kristin Wiig style crsis to get there? Is being a damsel in distress the key to getting the guy? Has feminism or fairy tales ruined me more?

What do I really want for my life?

Well, I think, for a change, I actually have some answers. To the big, underlying questions not the real one.

A good part of life is random. The good news is, you don’t have control over it. There are certain things you just can’t mess up.

So when you find yourself seated next to a handsome stranger on the subway, find the balz to strike up a conversation, and the guy is nice enough you don’t hate yourself for liking him and wanting him to like you, maybe that’s the time. Maybe when you meet him it will seem predestined, like it’s happened before upon a dream. And maybe it did.  However, the fact is, randomness is going to put him in the seat next to you, so you can’t miss him.

You’ll probably miss him if you have your litany of concerns drowning out all reason in your head. You’ll probably miss him if you just care about other things so much you don’t even notice he’s cute. You’ll probably miss him if you just don’t happen to catch that train, today, for whatever reason.

But when you do want to meet someone like him, maybe a part of you will be slightly more aware of her surroundings.  Maybe some part of you will be soft and chewy and delicious and ready to love. Maybe you will actually ened up liking someone who’s good tfor you, for a change, and you’ll figure that out as you get to know each other and a few months later it’s not just the fact that he reminds you of your teenage crush or corresponds to the items on your list “we ALLL have one), maybe you’ll just be ready for it. And it’s not the thing you can rush being ready for. Or maybe it will be the worst day of your life, and he will love you at first mascara dripping sight, or maybe even in ugly sweatpants and no makeup at all. Hard to believe, but maybe you just have to try loving “me” then if you want to find somebody to help you- maybe then you’ll know what to look for.

And maybe you’ll be brave enough, finally, to give somebody a chance. And you are ready to let it blow away from you like the current and be the person you are and give him a chance to know you. Maybe it will work out, or it won’t. See How I Met Your Mother for an implied argument that everything leads up to that big moment.

~

Here’s a really exciting thought: What if finding love is just about taking risks- to hold on and to let go? What if life is just teaching you those listens you need to know in order to hold him and put in the honest effort towards being a healthy loving couple or to fold and just walk away. Both are good- it depends on the circumstances, and you will learn what you are in those right circumstances, more likely through your intuition than analytical logic but mostly because you have put yourself into situations where you could learn and observe over and over and over again. Maybe you’ll never have it figured out, but you will know enough about yourself and what kind of ocuple you want to be that it will be easier. Not easy, just less hard. And worth it (just as that hand to face deep sigh “why did I date him” guy somehow lead you to this point you are at today)

But the randomness fo the universe can’t work for you if you are always trying to control things that can’t be controlled and tech you to move along. Don’t worry, be happy.

I think similar arguments form this essay could be made about professions as diverse as doctor lawyer engineer enterpreneur homemaker. And maybe it is all about figuring yourself out, even though it’s going to change on you the esecond you give it an honest look.

So chillax, let it be, and be ready for randomness, or rather, just chill out.

Besides, as rumi says:

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

And no amoun of pressure or stom can take down those walls until they are ready. There’s a lot of prep work involved at every step known as “living an authentic life,” which seems to always entail personal riskIn other news, it’s been a week since the dude in paris responded to my email that he would call very soon and missed me. I am somewhat confused by this, but maybe that’s just the way he is. And I actually abam pretty happy in my little Philadelphia night now. recently I’ve been less anxious and more peaceful. I have a little more fiath that one day with God’s help I will figure enough of this out, and I’ll be ready to survive when school ends.

And I will, whatever I’m doing, plant a little sunflower in my soul and figure out what makes sally’s garden grow.

So a bientot mes cheries.

MJ

Wings

Tags

commitment, courage, daring, life, love, philosophy, risk, wings

I once wrote a post about Wings vs Roots before going to France this fall. I was deciding about how and when to choose a career and, more importantly, a location. I was worried I would never have the close relationships I wanted if I stayed abroad too long and became too different. I was worried about the loneliness of freedom.

The truth is, I choose wings.

I already am rooted in things much deeper than the soil of my native land. The love of my family, of my true friends, and the values that haven’t changed with exposure to the elements nad the four corners of he world.

I’ll never find myself, but now I accept responsibility for creating myself. And finding myself under all the layers of illusion and bs of the person I thought I was supposed to be was just the first time. But I will never find a steady, unchanging self- except for that which is made out of pure love.

I wanted to find a role to fill, instead of being my own person.

I wanted to see the limitations, so I could predict the future and live according to my past. Now, I just want to discover the present, and let the “rules” of what’s limiting me dissolve away.

I don’t really want to know what happens next.

I think I actually prefer figuring it out as I go along.

I might be more attracted to risky ventures than stable ones. I might just have a little bit of explorer and adventurer in me. But most of all, I want to advance- in the direction of my heart.

Which seems, for the moment, to be in France. But I won’t know probably until I’ve gone to Asia.  Or am willing to make a commitment to something.

It’s time to go into free fall, and see where I land. Or rather, fly!

Namaste,

MJ

 

 

Cages

Tags

commitment, fear, hope, inspiration, life, limitations, longing, love, relationships

Constraints are liberating.- My design professor

Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom- Soren Kierkegaard

Like waves crashing into the shore, my life sometimes seems like a combination between seeking solidity and rushing away from it. When I hit land, and commitment, I beat at the bars of my cage like a crazed bird, but when I am off to sea or flying proudly in the dome above I want nothing more than commitment. All I want are walls, boundaries, borders, commitments when in the sky/sea and feeling alone, and once I’m there, I just rail against structure, order, predictability, conformity, and question the choice I made to keep a part of me locked up. And when I begin to recognize the urge to flee before the key is turned to secure the lock, I guilt myself into it and believe there’s something wrong with wanting to be free. But freedom feels so lonely, especailly since most of mankind wants nothing to do with casting off their self imposed chains, and what’s more, you wonder if any ties can last if people are truly, absolutely, utterly free.

I tend to favor freedom though.

I tend not to like any sort of restriction, and I’ve been told I’m afraid of commitment.

When it comes down to it, the limitless possibilities of life should be a source of wonder, not fear.

There is no need for cages in order to find safety if you have faith. You don’t need to predict the future if you are comfortable with being fully present.

Everyone likes to tell themselves all kinds of lies about how X must lead to Y. But the truth is that there’s any number of paths, to happiness or unhappiness.  And there’s more than one way to get to the same place.

We put ourselves into many cages, things we know won’t work, in order to limit our options, frustrate our potential to make the future more predictable.

But one day you will break this cage as you have many others.

And one day all of us will be freed from even our mortal bonds.

So, in the time that you have, life well. Don’t go searching for a cage when you really want to feel commitment. Don’t do anything because you don’t think you have an alternative.

Sure, life is important, and sometiems you need to compromise.

But don’t go looking for a compromise, before you have seen with your bird’s eyes all that lies within and ahead of you.

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.

Henry David Thoreau

Good luck!

MJ