Tags
divine-feminine, divine-masculine, faith, law of attraction, love, manifestation, mysticism, self awareness, sensuality, witchcraft
Let this be an incantation, an enchantment for the Beloved, my beloved, to find his way to me.
I stand ready to receive divine love like none I’ve ever had before, knowing that it will challenge me, annoy me, disgust me at times, and probably frustrate me a lot.
It will not likely look like I expect it to look exactly- this life has taught me that home is not about language or creed or even a type (although I’ve got my preferences!). I’m willing to be amazed.
I stand as prepared as one can be for awe.
I’m coming this time from a deeper level of wholeness, knowing that at once you will be mine and you won’t, yet setting the standard that you must belong wholely to me, ready to receive my love as well.
I thought that my wholeness would come from career succcess, dreams fulfilled, a full bank account, an amazing community of friends, a clear vocation in this world- and I do have those boxes in the process of being checked no doubt.
But I am finding, in this moment where a younger me would have raged against not having a partner to share the storm and take it away, that my true wholeness is my willingness to meet the storm, knowing that the presence of God and his good angels in all their forms go before me, beside me, and guard my back.
I know that I am whole, even if all the materials elements do not seem to be fully in place.
I know I am ready, even if there are dreams yet in the process of dreaming and I’ve left behind the illusion of self perfectibility, not even close to satisfied by my rigorous standards and bountiful wishes for all I want to do and be in this life.
And yet, this time, I am satisfied.
I am proud of all I am, of what I do and clear sighted on who I want to be. I feel this deep sovereignty, this knowing of me, mine, and not you, not yours. I have this deep ownership of myself, knowing that no matter how much I give of my heart to you, no matter how much my life and body intermingle with mine, I will always be my own.
This time, I won’t try to lose myself in you, to leave behind a self I don’t really like or accept in flights of ecstasy.
This time, I won’t think that you are the magic that I need to unlock the door to all my mysteries and potentials.
I will not put you on a towering pedestal pretending you are a superhuman father God who should be an answer to my problems.
And I won’t put you beneath me as some hairy damsel that needs to be saved to assume their superhero status either.
Instead we will walk beside each other hand in hand. You can wear the pants but I’ll keep your balls in a jar.
I do expect a lot from you, but no more than I expect from myself. I know your sweat might be stinky, that you’ll just be human at the end of the day, and sometimes I will probably want too much from you.
But at least I’ll know it this time and I won’t make you suffer.
This time I have faith in God that is so so much bigger than any love I will share with you, no matter how beautiful of a reflection of our mutual love of God it will be. I will see God in you and you’ll see God in me, but I will love you as a man though.
As a sweaty, possibly sometimes stinky, incorrigible, flawed and even sometimes helpless creature. This time I will let you struggle, I won’t try to share burdens that don’t belong to me.
This time, I will ask for more presence from you, which will also mean asking for more presence from myself. I will show up as my whole self, and I will ask no less than you. If you hide from me, I’ll know you aren’t the one.
I know you have more to you than I can yet imagine, and that being with you will change me. I will become a soft and semi solid mess of pulpy heart and other organs, just heaps of loving, tender flesh.
I promise to give you all that mushy moist and tender stuff if you have the capacity to hold me.
I promise to show up and let myself be transformed. I know you will not just alter my DNA, but will change everything about the way I see the world. I won’t be the same after you.
And in this wholeness, there will be a heart that was exchanged to have yours beating in its place, and I won’t be so “virgin” and sovereign anymore. I will have really and truly let another penetrate my flesh.
I will surrender, I will follow. I will go with you.
I will leave my comfortable life behind to give up this huge chunk of my heart and being, and make space for you in what was me and mine.
I will give up all that I am – well maybe not all- bu tI will let go so much, and turn to jelly, not to be moulded by you alone but by the union created by the very hands of God.
I know there is more for me in this world with you at my side than there is for me alone. I know together, we will be bigger, more, plenty.
Maybe someday it will be more than just the two of us, God willing, but also, no matter how many more are along for the ride, your parents, my parents, our family, and all the causes you and I care for, it will always just be us.
At an altar, surrounded and protected by a din of well-wishers, it will just be us.
And we will be part of that greater whole.
And there I will be wholly myself, whole in my trust in God, knowing no matter my bank account or job status or where I live or who I live with, God is, and I am one with him, never to be harmed. And I will set clear boundaries for you, and only allow you to add to the bounty of my life.
But I know you will make me more. you are worth merging for. You are worth leaving a little of that individuality behind and you are part of merging into the greater cosmos, part of that big journey anyway. No mater how many elements get added to ou rwholeness, it will just be us.
Sneaking loks at each other in a crowded room. Laughing at an inside joke.
You’ll be my lover and a great friend, my best friend even, and before anything else, it will be the two of us on the couch, ensnarled, entangled, begininning to intermingle with each other.
I feel myself, like a fruit ripe for the plucking. A juicy, round ripe peach. I can feel how you will bite and the juices will flow down your mouth into your beard all down your neck.
You my lover, you my friend.
We have met many times before, and we will re meet each other , anew, many times in this lifetime. I am not alone. I am with you, above all, and before all else but God, with you. You are holding my hand on the seashore and the waves are lapping at our feet.
And it’s us, only us smiling to each other on a perfect day. Ready, expectant, like a peach waiting to be plucked off the branch…