A radical shift

Tags

career, france, life, meaning, Paris, philosophy, psychology, purpose, taking back your power

For the past more than 10 years, a lot of my life force energy and mental activity was devoted to thinking about how I could stay in France and live the life I wanted. And I was willing to make sacrifices especially in terms of career to do it. Now, as my greater sense of purpose and also self-worth is getting clearer, not to mention deeper forms of love in my life, it just feels like one part of me among many, and a story that may well be over for a while. I felt very much adrift with that, and I do have a clear sense of where I want to go from here geographically as well that feels right- Greater Middle East. And that the educational credentials should probably come from the US. Allowing myself to start over from scratch feels right, and yet I’ll always be the Frenchy ish girl that I am. It is really important to me, and in very real ways, even if I’ve deprioritized getting the nationality, it is my home. It feels like this shift has brought so much power back into me, into my body- I had done some akashic record (records of other lives) cord cutting (removing the energetic attachment to someone or something) around my attachment to France, which was feeling anxious and unhealthy, and revealed soul stories linked to here that have been influencing me a lot.

I feel like I’ve become Princess M in Paris, rather than Paris in Princess M. It’s a big shift.

While I definitely feel still want to make money from my work and have a certain lifestyle, both in terms of flexibility and economic abundance, I feel more and more that I can be mission centric, and still want those things, and it feels much easier to start from X internal center and make choices within that deeper sense of purpose to get the lifestyle rather than making the lifestyle the purpose. Now, for sure when it cam eto living in Paris, I was willing to let a lot of things go because that was my purpose although clearly not all of it, but I didn’t think I could have everything, and maybe I couldn’t have- but I didn’t give myself the right to try , thinking I needed to resign everything else but to live in Paris and I couldnt’ allow myself to want more than that. For a long time I think that was helpful in a way but it also closed me off- I had made Paris into an idol blocking me from seeing my own light and stepping into my power. I think this was clear to those around me but not to me. And the idea of leaving Paris after all I had sacrificed and put into being ehre just didn’t feel good. I think that’s the biggest release.

And beyond that, while I really do want to have a biological child one day, I am truly surrendered to following my unique path and I don’t feel any desire to force that. I do believe it will happen when it’s meant to happen with the perosn it’s meant to happen with– or not. And the space that has come with that inner revelation is truly inspiring. It definitely takes a lot of pressure off the next few years of my life, and I think that it doesnt make me any less likely to have things happen for me the way I want. Probably more so since I feel so joyful and expansive. I just keep coming more and more into my power, rather than trying to force life to look the way I want it to, and that’s freeing and empowering. It’s not about not moving in a direction, but rather using and giving into the flow, merging with the flow, being the flow, and perhaps also directing the flow which can only come from a place of surrender, as confusing as that may sound. Because you can control your own flow only once you stop trying to control and resist other things. So where I am flowing? Can I flow towards baby, home, husband? I flow towards love and allow that to reveal itself to me. It’s a much broader target and I can’t miss because I’m already there.

The day I realized I wanted to be a social worker

Tags

transformation, career, MBA, purpose, mission, therapy, transition, coaching, lcsw, social work, career change

So I basically started this blog in the throes of insecurity and indecision of what my life would be like when I started my international MBA. During that time, I felt deeply unsettled about the MBA itself and it didnt really jive with how I saw the world or the person I wanted to be in it, but I did like the travel involved in my international business specialization and it seemed like a good way to make a living and have some financial security particularly after having a government degree that didn’t get me too far although in retrospect there were probably more opportunities for pivots I just didn’t like them. I felt like I needed an advanced degree to get anywhere and more of the same didn’t seem to make much sense. My former mentor, who I no longer look up to, suggested I do an MBA. I remember when I told my mother about the idea and she said something like, “that’s the first sensible idea you’ve had yet.” And so it was that I pivoted from my original idea of being a college professor, which was a long and hard and risky path with pretty scant financial rewards or security at the end (besides I struggle with the focus required for specialized research) , to applying for business schools. I had hardcore imposter syndrome due in part to my lack of corproate experience adn also the feeling I was too soft to be there and stood out too much, that I wasn’t a real MBA. I experienced significant mental health issues during my time and put on an f ton of weight in a short time, and basically in different ways I’ve dealt with some degree of the same since I started down that path.

Now I am also an astrologer and while the stars dnot explain causality they do tell a story of the directions your soul decided it wanted to move when it chose to incarnate. And mine does point towards higher learning, philosophy, long distance travel, cross cultural relations (9th house) and spirituality, compassion, healing, surrendering the ego, so getting another graduate degree and in this field particularly and for this purpose seem to make sense.

I’ve gotten a coaching degree (which was as expensive as some grad degreees though nowadays not sure) and it has not been easy to turn it into a living- I feel like I’ve been blocked from both internal and external factors, and also to be honest, having lots of deep ethical concerns about the field itself. Despite my own education and supposed discernment I’ve run into snake oil salespeople and I think there’s a lot of people in the field who are out of their depth and sometimes actively harmful due to lack of training, self awareness or critical thinking. The same can certainly be said for therapists as well but at least clients have a review board they can go to and there’s a charter of ethics. I think the other thing is that as I’ve coached people I’ve noticed deeper and deeper things to work on and it feels like doing window dressing to be a coach.

I was actually interrupted in writing this post by a call from someone I love, and in the time since I’ve left off a ton of things happened confirming my original speculations and putting me on a path. I had some reservations about counseling/therapy being close enough to 9th house, as I had always thought I would be a teacher of some kind and I met an LCSW who got into the field due to his love of teaching adult education, when he realized, “Wow, I could teach people what I know about healing their childhood wounds which has been the most valuable thing in my life, and how good would that feel?” so that seemed like a clear confirmation. And there’s just been a lot of synchronicity and clarity emerging.

Coming home to myself

I feel like i’m coming home to myself after a long long time. I’m in my near to Paris apartment of which I am the proud owner with my kitty, a very sweet girl cat, and I feel the possibility waiting to burst through the mists of interbeing.

I’ve spent the past few months travelling and wondering if Paris was still my place- it is for now, unless love brings me someplace else, but I do want to stay in France with all my soul, and have ready access to Paris. That is my wish.

Instead of 25 like when a lot of this blog was written I’m 35. I spent a few hours reading old entries and yes, I’m really the same person, jus tmore things are fleshed out and concrete about me. More of my intenstions have come into material form.

The husband and child(ren) have not yet, and I am awaiting them with rather bated breath but a lot of faith. Doing my part and letting God do the rest.

I am also waiting in stillness for my next job. I did leave the big steady stable corporate job for the unknown, when the corporate job literally was killin gme with a thousand different cuts, hard to say which one would have been the most likely to be fatal. But I left.

I left and I thought I had the material stability part figured out anyway but oops, I did not read some dotted lines and it would be truly helpful for me to bring money in. After a decade of learning independence to a fault, I’m now learning interdependence and to lean on people when I need it. And not to hate myself for it.

I am not with the man I loved so much, I don’t think too much of that love was illusion but a lot of the promise of our relationship was never fulfilled. In my story, he left me alone, cold, and naked feeling, totally bereft. Reconstructing myself after that loss, even if it wasn’t really a loss in terms of what the relaitonship actually was at that time, has been a big, big work.

I think this is probably one of the biggest lessons I’ve come to life on earth to learn. It feels like one of the biggest challenges of a lifetime.

And I tried to do my coaching business, but by try I mean mostly focus on general self recovery and travel and take clients as they came. It was my highest capacity at the time, and I deserved and needed some indolence. I really hate not having a stable income, so I’m not sure that the coaching business is for me right now. And I miss having colleagues, who better to potentially fall in love with.

I miss my old life in some ways, yet I don’t want to go back to exactly that. I have been practicing the pause, studying the actions and courses available to me, and learning to trust the inner voice and my sacred NO, and as always, let go and let God.

Just today I feel myself, especially reading and writing these blogs but not only, fully at home in who I am and who I’ll be. That there is no other place I am supposed to be, let alone would rather me. I am deeply, deeply content with my lot, including its seeming challenges. Which I have turned over to God.

So I guess they are not really challenges anymore.

I see how the red thread of my life has been very true and very constant. I’m still writing about the same things and I just got a literal degree in them an dhow to help people find their way.

Not that there is any one way to find, but to help them choose the path that’s their own. Maybe that would be a good name for a coaching business.

I’m happy with myself, despite or because of it all. Every pound, every penny. Every cell, every story.

I am exactly where I’m meant to be. This is my deep knowing.

The only thing that has changed through the years is how much access I have to that. Oh how I am not afraid of growing not old, but wise.

Being 35 is actually awesome. There was a lot of trepidation around age and fertilty and will men still find me attrative and bla blah, but honestly I am looking quite fine, even with a couple of extra pounds, I feel gorgeous. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more beautiful in all my life. I really do like myself.

I’m happy.

Well, content if not always joyous.

I am finding my voice again.

I am my voice.

It feels so good to be me and I feel a strange kind of comfort reading these blogs and thinking, yes, I am still the same sort of person! This is me! I was so wise. I am exactly the same as I am now.

As much as I have sometimes beat myself up for my choices, my core values are strong and consistent. I am remarkably consistent for someone sometimes pegged as will o the wisp. Honestly I’m anything but.

And this makes me realize that though job and life’s work don’t have to be the same thing, I’ve been doing the same kind of work all my life, thinking about the same big questions, and coming up with similar answers everytime. Especially when I listen to what my past self said about listening to my body, trusting my intuition, wanting to live in France, and motherhood is not the be-all, end-all. As much as I very much want to be a mother, and I want to do it from a healthy place of something that enhances my already full life, not something that gives meaning to it. I don’t want to put that on my kid’s shoulders. I have already lived a beautiful, marvelous and meaningful life. Almost 60 countries visited. An MBA, a flat near Paris, and a lot of deep passionate life and love. My life is juicy beyond beleif.

Thank God I didn’t try to put myself in a box of what I thought I was supposed to be. How stale those crumbs would have been in my mouth, that might have been a feast for someone else.

Incantation

Tags

divine-feminine, divine-masculine, faith, law of attraction, love, manifestation, mysticism, self awareness, sensuality, witchcraft

Let this be an incantation, an enchantment for the Beloved, my beloved, to find his way to me.

I stand ready to receive divine love like none I’ve ever had before, knowing that it will challenge me, annoy me, disgust me at times, and probably frustrate me a lot.

It will not likely look like I expect it to look exactly- this life has taught me that home is not about language or creed or even a type (although I’ve got my preferences!). I’m willing to be amazed.

I stand as prepared as one can be for awe.

I’m coming this time from a deeper level of wholeness, knowing that at once you will be mine and you won’t, yet setting the standard that you must belong wholely to me, ready to receive my love as well.

I thought that my wholeness would come from career succcess, dreams fulfilled, a full bank account, an amazing community of friends, a clear vocation in this world- and I do have those boxes in the process of being checked no doubt.

But I am finding, in this moment where a younger me would have raged against not having a partner to share the storm and take it away, that my true wholeness is my willingness to meet the storm, knowing that the presence of God and his good angels in all their forms go before me, beside me, and guard my back.

I know that I am whole, even if all the materials elements do not seem to be fully in place.

I know I am ready, even if there are dreams yet in the process of dreaming and I’ve left behind the illusion of self perfectibility, not even close to satisfied by my rigorous standards and bountiful wishes for all I want to do and be in this life.

And yet, this time, I am satisfied.

I am proud of all I am, of what I do and clear sighted on who I want to be. I feel this deep sovereignty, this knowing of me, mine, and not you, not yours. I have this deep ownership of myself, knowing that no matter how much I give of my heart to you, no matter how much my life and body intermingle with mine, I will always be my own.

This time, I won’t try to lose myself in you, to leave behind a self I don’t really like or accept in flights of ecstasy.

This time, I won’t think that you are the magic that I need to unlock the door to all my mysteries and potentials.

I will not put you on a towering pedestal pretending you are a superhuman father God who should be an answer to my problems.

And I won’t put you beneath me as some hairy damsel that needs to be saved to assume their superhero status either.

Instead we will walk beside each other hand in hand. You can wear the pants but I’ll keep your balls in a jar.

I do expect a lot from you, but no more than I expect from myself. I know your sweat might be stinky, that you’ll just be human at the end of the day, and sometimes I will probably want too much from you.

But at least I’ll know it this time and I won’t make you suffer.

This time I have faith in God that is so so much bigger than any love I will share with you, no matter how beautiful of a reflection of our mutual love of God it will be. I will see God in you and you’ll see God in me, but I will love you as a man though.

As a sweaty, possibly sometimes stinky, incorrigible, flawed and even sometimes helpless creature. This time I will let you struggle, I won’t try to share burdens that don’t belong to me.

This time, I will ask for more presence from you, which will also mean asking for more presence from myself. I will show up as my whole self, and I will ask no less than you. If you hide from me, I’ll know you aren’t the one.

I know you have more to you than I can yet imagine, and that being with you will change me. I will become a soft and semi solid mess of pulpy heart and other organs, just heaps of loving, tender flesh.

I promise to give you all that mushy moist and tender stuff if you have the capacity to hold me.

I promise to show up and let myself be transformed. I know you will not just alter my DNA, but will change everything about the way I see the world. I won’t be the same after you.

And in this wholeness, there will be a heart that was exchanged to have yours beating in its place, and I won’t be so “virgin” and sovereign anymore. I will have really and truly let another penetrate my flesh.

I will surrender, I will follow. I will go with you.

I will leave my comfortable life behind to give up this huge chunk of my heart and being, and make space for you in what was me and mine.

I will give up all that I am – well maybe not all- bu tI will let go so much, and turn to jelly, not to be moulded by you alone but by the union created by the very hands of God.

I know there is more for me in this world with you at my side than there is for me alone. I know together, we will be bigger, more, plenty.

Maybe someday it will be more than just the two of us, God willing, but also, no matter how many more are along for the ride, your parents, my parents, our family, and all the causes you and I care for, it will always just be us.

At an altar, surrounded and protected by a din of well-wishers, it will just be us.

And we will be part of that greater whole.

And there I will be wholly myself, whole in my trust in God, knowing no matter my bank account or job status or where I live or who I live with, God is, and I am one with him, never to be harmed. And I will set clear boundaries for you, and only allow you to add to the bounty of my life.

But I know you will make me more. you are worth merging for. You are worth leaving a little of that individuality behind and you are part of merging into the greater cosmos, part of that big journey anyway. No mater how many elements get added to ou rwholeness, it will just be us.

Sneaking loks at each other in a crowded room. Laughing at an inside joke.

You’ll be my lover and a great friend, my best friend even, and before anything else, it will be the two of us on the couch, ensnarled, entangled, begininning to intermingle with each other.

I feel myself, like a fruit ripe for the plucking. A juicy, round ripe peach. I can feel how you will bite and the juices will flow down your mouth into your beard all down your neck.

You my lover, you my friend.

We have met many times before, and we will re meet each other , anew, many times in this lifetime. I am not alone. I am with you, above all, and before all else but God, with you. You are holding my hand on the seashore and the waves are lapping at our feet.

And it’s us, only us smiling to each other on a perfect day. Ready, expectant, like a peach waiting to be plucked off the branch…

It’s been a while

Hello there,

Thanks if you take the time to check out this post. I don’t think I’ve been back on this blog for at least a year.

A lot has happened- I’m now a professionally certified coach and independent consulting. So grateful for this. I’ve been able to hit a long pause on my stable job, for which I am extremely grateful.

The future seems wide open.

At this time last year, I was trying to erase nearly all aspects of myself as I had been before some kind of “enlightenment” and literally threw all my clothes, and a lot of relationships that were dear to me, into the bin.

This year, most of that has come back in a healthier way. And I am still learning.

I figured out a lot more about what love and trust mean to me, and I’m valuing myself more. And I have a ton more gratitude.

I am thinking about starting a podcast.

There’s a lot I have learned from as well.

I have suffered from burnout this year. I currently have COVID-19, though thankfully it seems to be fairly mild.

My life has more clear direction and meaning. I am so much happier. I am beginning to really let go of things I don’t want to choose.

happy new year!

I’m still here :)

Tags

expat, france, growing up, happiness, homeownership, hope, life, love, motherhood, thirties

Living a heart based life has not been easy, and my ego has fought me tooth and nail at every step.

I live just outside of Paris, in a flat i purchased a little more than a year ago.

I still have my corporate job which my MBA helped me get, and I find ongoing creative possibility in it.

We’re emerging from about two months of confinement, and they haven’t been easy ones.

But the most important news, the ones that should be shouted on the rooftops, is that I love someone more than I ever thought possible.

And after years of capitulation over whether I wanted to be a mother or not, the answer is yes, I desire it with all my soul. I want to be the mother of his child.

We are just at the beginning of our adventure together.

I had given up on love for years and had thought the best I could hope for was to get a high percentage of my desired checklist met in someone who thought the same about me. And then I found someone who made me look up from my ledger of accounts, and push the beaded abacus to the floor.

And with time I realized, he was everything I ever asked for and even more. We don’t live together at this time, but there’s nothing I wish for more than to wake up to him snoring next to me.

And as for baby, he is only a thought as yet, a dream, a yearning. But soon, I hope.

So this is what I have come to, the death of all my wandering, my running, my here-or-there.

This, I say.

NOW! my soul roars.

 

I love you, madly.

gros bisous

femmefrancofun

I am enough: losing my ambition part II

Crazy that it has been exactly one year since I posted on this site, one year to the day, and the themes keep getting more similar.

so in this time, I bought a flat! in the suburbs of Paris, I’ve stopped travelling for the most part, I cook confit de canard instead of eating fast food all the time, and I’m just generally more like the girl who left for Paris and found herself there all these years ago, and so much less in pain and confused

So here is today’s

In the past few months since I bought my flat, and in the events leading up to that decision , I have felt a curious lack of what I would have previously referred to as ambition.
I decided to grow roots because I realized I am finally happy where I am.
I thought I would either become a digital nomad so i could travel more, take an expat role elsewhere in a cosmopolitan urban center like Hong Kong or Dubai, or completely reinvent myself professionally to do something more fun, sexy, creative, mission -oriented etc for example go back and become a French teacher.
Then I went on a long trip and realized how much I missed my life. Not because it’s perfect or because I am afraid to get out of my comfort zone, but because it’s a good fit for me. With my strengths and weaknesses and personal preferences and sense of purpose. I want to do good for others while doing well for myself and work in a healthy environment that helps me grow both personally and professionally. I am not in line to be the next CEO, but to be honest that’s a bit of a relief.

I am so happy and blessed and so satisfied with the countries I’ve seen and the diverse cultures I have had a chance to witness, but I don’t need to go everywhere right away anymore. A trip on its own is not going to change my life and make sense of everything and magically fix everything I feel is wrong. I followed my heart around the world as long as I felt pulled to, and now my pull is towards my new hearth and home. I’m not saying I will never travel again and it’s not important to me and hasn’t been the best investment I could have made in myself at the time, I am just saying that my path looks a bit different now.

I want to be healthier, but this weight is my happy weight. I dont need to lose any amount of weight to be beautiful or deserving of love and kindness and I am so grateful for my health, and I do genuinely want to make the s everyday changes that really matter in the long run, continue moving my body in ways I enjoy, and prepare nutritious and tasty meals for myself with love. But the fact I weigh more than I once did does not mean I am less happy or less of a person than I once was. Dieting and trying to force my body to take a certain form is violent and stressful, and I don’t feel the need or desire to do that anymore.

As for my personal life, I do aspire to lifelong romantic partnership. I want to be with the person who makes me feel like Johnny Cash said of his wife and paradise, “this morning, with her, having coffee.” But the most important thing to do to get there is to enjoy every moment with myself and be a great friend to myself and others, and have enough belief in my own worthiness and courage to face my own vulnerability that I stay open. God works in mysterious ways and I don’t have to reverse engineer the perfect match. I am pursuing my own happiness and letting things happen in the perfect time.

So here I am, without any big plans or schemes, not striving for anything but well being. Yes I want to write a book but I don’t want to force that either. The point is not to write something, the point is to write a book that wants to be written and just create the conditions in my life and my soul for the words to flow.

I officially give up, I surrender to the ground of being, I am ok with being exactly where and who and what and how I am, and why I am the way I am and everything that has brought me here. I have faith in the future and what will be will be.

I don’t feel passive at all, there is so much to do just living a full and rich daily life. I don’t need to strive beyond that. The best Megan is the happiest Megan, is this Megan right here, right now today.

And you are enough too, and I hope you are gentle with yourself and life is full of ease for you.

Embracing my genius

Tags

depression, happiness, joy, life, paradigm, philosophy, soul

It’s everything that doesn’t quite fit in the box, whether it seems good or bad. I have thought that business school and the depression that took root at that point broke me, when actually it is what opened me up to life and made me real. The masks I’ve worn consciously have exposed those that I didn’t even know were there, so that a lie told on purpose revealed a greater truth.

I don’t want to go back to my pre-Fall self, when I was a holy angel who didn’t make big mistakes. I learned things in moments of darkness I could never have walking in the light, suffused with my own smugness and self satisfaction.

This self feels much more vulnerable and more deeply lovable and loving. The cracks, the scars, are rivers of compassion and mercy.  I feel real, like the Velveteen Rabbit that went from an idealized plush to a truly breathing living thing. I am loved, even if my eye has fallen off and some stuffing is sticking out,and the stitching shows signs of wear. I feel aged and yet more childlike than I did as a child.  I feel that by fucking up royally, I finally gave myself some permission to color outside the lines, and that’s a grand thing.

But the biggest thing I have learned is the smallest- that there is no revolution, no epiphany, no fabulous journey, no eat pray love moment, no paradigm shift, that saves you. Redemption, or rather, reinvention, is a choice made in small moments rather than tremendous choices. It is daily boring nurture rather than a grand adventure, and it leaves you vulnerable to the power of what’s already surrounding you, rather than waiting for tomorrow or to find some mystic land beyond the western sun.

And that’s a very scary thing, to think that’s it’s all here and now and has always been waiting for you, whether you were ready or not. It’s a little sad to think you’ve been passing by all kinds of wonders, and also that it was not one tragic choice, but a series of everyday decisions, that have brought you and kept you where you are. And yet, there is something so wonderful about being able to spend the day without getting dressed watching Netflix till five pm.

Sometimes, it’s when you are meant to be getting ready for a party, and you’ve thrown in a load of wash finally, and you feel ready to attack the kitchen and the bathroom and all that jazz, that of a sudden, your soul starts calling, saying, listen I’ve been here all along…

That moment when…

You’re lonely

You wish your search was over but it’s not

You feel that happy sweet ache f missing a beloved friend

You go to the movies to avoid dealing with all your shit

You realize you spend all your free alone time either in moveies or traveling

Or sometimes walking.

 

The moemnt you realize, you aren’t the person you thought you would be, and if you let yourself, you can be a million times better.

Fillefrancofun is not just a phase Part II

Tags

happiness, liberty, life, love, philosophy, self-help, single, twenty something

I don’t know if I will ever leave Paris, she says again to herself. I am happy here. Maybe I could be happy somewhere else.

But when I’m not happy here, I’m happy to be far far away. Paris is where I learned of my love of travel. Paris is where I figured out that my home is in the adventure. Paris is when my life stopped being about waiting for love and normalcy and realizing it’s all about me, here, this, now, and some conflicts will either fade or force the creation of a new self.

I had thought my desire to own a piece of Paris had faded, and then shifted to the suburbs, and then now I odn’t know.

And then I realized maybe I could go live in Dubai or something and then get paid $$$$$.

 

And then I realized maybe I can find a way to make the whole travel writer/adventure tourism thing work, maybe?

And then maybe the point is just to find happiness within.

 

Which might include madmitting you will never be normal and you do have ADD and it’s a real thing and a lot of grown up things are going to be hard, even if you are motivated and not depressed. And you will always feela bit extra and do more to try and cover it up and get depressed that you aren’t perfect or normal and life will be a glorious adventure or nothing at all.

Bu tyeah, I’ll be nearly 30 it’s hard to imagine taking care of a small person and all the routine that would go into it, I know I could do it, but I don’t know if I am willing to sacrifice everything for another person be it mqan or baby, so I”m not sven sure I want or deserve those things.

Although I’m pretty sure men don’t ask themselves that question.

 

I’ve caleldmyself a feminist my whole life, but I’ve only truly been one recently. I always thought finding the ONe would be a crowning achievement, and if I as on the right track he would find me, or if I was on the wrong track he would save me , or more than likely, he would be on the wrong track and I owuld save him. Bu tyeah, that’s not my current situation.

I am afraid of myself, of my explorer, of my rebel, of my ridiculously sle fassured impulsve charismatic crazy chick. Who can’t bear to live a lie and would nevertheless prefer it to a sterile truth.

The truth is , I am Lara Croft Tomb Raider. I am Diana princess of the Amazons and daughter of Hippoltya. and all of this has been an elaborate ruse by my soub and sometiems not ttso sub comnscious to be something I elt more confortable with and that others owuld find themselves mroe comfortable with.

Maybe I will be that journalist or that whatever who rolls around the world sometimes in iffy place going to share a truth with the world, not worrying if she meets Mr Right in time or has a kid.

Or maybe she does care btutr trusts the universe.

It’s hard, to trust theniverse.

But I do.