So I’ve come to realize that most of my “problems” are in my head. [Perhaps not the biggest of revelations. Though I do have challenges and dreams to fulfill and everyday difficulties to contend with, it’s really what goes on in my head that pushes me to the brink. That is to say, to the bottom of the jar of some sweet deliciousness, to looking for anything and everything to fill my endless capacity for distraction, to buying that meal or massage or book or whatever it is that might just make me feel better, to finding that friend who will know exactly what it is I need to hear, to poring through books and newsarticles and any thing I can hoping I can find an answer.]
Well, I started reading the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu, and I recently read Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, and I’ve been reading The Soul is Here for Its Own Joy anthology of world sacred poetry compiled by Robert Bly and The Purity of Desire translation of Rumi’s poems by Daniel Ladinsky. highly recommend each one of those titles. And maybe even some occassionally uncrappy thought leadership stuff on LinkedIn. And a book on Jesuit spirituality for the everyday people. Haven’t had as much class this week as usual, so I got to do some real learning.
It seems that I need o do a bit of looking inward, admitting my feelings, naming my desires, and oh, just letting things be. As in, not looking for he magic solution or the final answer. As in, not numbing all those uncomfortable things that popup when I am not keeping my mind busy. As in, finding out what my soul is trying to tell me, and learning to listen.
And perhaps most important, shutting off my thoughts once in a while. Like really not using something to distract me, but actually being there and just facing whatever it is head on. And not getting lost in a web of rationaliztions. That would be really hard to do.
Sure, I would like to have a more organized life, eat healthier and exercise more, STOP PROCRASTINATING, and just get more shit done. But I think that everything would come if I could just stop constantly being on the run from all these feelings. Like, if I could actually just accept the situation as it was, and love myself as I am, and start from where I am, I could get to wherever I needed to be. Because I’m already there.
So yeah, I can’t go on this way. I am driving myself crazy. I do want to be happy, and being miserable is not keeping me safe from disappointment. I am so often disappointed about things that haven’t even happened yet, and so afraid of things that I have no reason to fear. I can’t go through life fearing my still small voice. Jiminy Cricket is chirping, not necessarily to tell me my sins but just to tell me I can’t go on like this.
There will be some change in my outer life, my relationships with people, my goals and plans. But what needs to happen now is a bit of change within. A bit of learning ot be comfortable with the uncomfortable, with realizing it’s ok to not have the answer, and take care of myself.